Feeling judged for cosleeping

[Blueberry12345]

11 months in with breastfed baby and we bed share, DH is in the spare room.

I've stopped mentioning this to anyone because I feel utterly judged by this by other mums.

I'm a FTM and have to admit that I never thought I would be the type to bedshare but here we are. I can understand those without kids judging maybe but other mums?!

It feels as though if my baby sleeps well, it doesn't 'count' because DC is not in own bed.

AIBU to think that there is a real stigma attached to this? It feels totally natural to me to have baby close and we all get more sleep. I love cuddling up at night and don't feel like I'm ruining DC by doing this!

We are considering getting a bigger bed so DH could maybe come back in with us 🤣 also any tips for bed sharing when a baby crawls?

I never co slept because I'd hate it, I don't even like my husband to touch me when I'm sleeping. But it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as it works for you. I never thought I'd ever let my child have a dummy, but here we are 3 years later and I still can't get the bloody thing off her! I know I get judgement for it but other people haven't had to deal with her without it. The dummy's been a god send on many an occasion. I'm sure dd will give it up when she's ready, just as your child will transition to their own bed when they're ready.

Your comment about needing a bigger bed reminded me of this (excellent) children's book https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0006646816/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabcAWF128V2JV18EX4QFZBC

I think other mums (wrongly) think it's dangerous and that's why they judge. Even the NHS (midwives, HVs, Dr's) are funny about it so there's no wonder there's a stigma attached. Before I had a baby I, too, thought it was dangerous. I cosleep with my baby now and I love it. I either ignore people or point them in the direction of real facts! Such a shame it's not accepted more in this country.

Oh and yes to bigger bed. We have a super king, although I still seem to end up teetering on the edge with DD cuddling me in the mornings She and the cat take up an unreasonable amount of space!

You sound absolutely fine & able to defend your decisions if needed OP. Crack on.

Do what's right for you 😊

Do you know what happens to you when people judge you OP?

Literally nothing. You can just carry on exactly as you have been. Their judgement only affects them. They get themselves all irritated and wound up by things that are none of their business and that they have no control over. Imagine being that stupid?

Co slept with both mine. I let them decide when to stop, both around 10. Nobody else's beeswax. Kids are both fully functioning teens now so no harm done. Still come into bed for a chat now and then

Thanks everyone!

It's mostly close friends and family looking quite horrified when I say DC is in with me still.

I know some people say to lie but I feel that's almost not defending what we are doing and I don't feel I should be ashamed of it! I wish people were less judgey.

All of your advice and positivity has reminded me not to care what others think so thank you!

You can do whatever you want. I’ve nothing against co sleeping, although I don’t enjoy it myself as I toss and turn and my eleven month old kicks.

However it is a bit misleading to present sleeping in separate beds as some bizarre western quirk. People tend to confuse whether those in less developed counties sleep with their babies because they want to, or because they have to.

Like I say, I’ve absolutely no issue in people doing whatever works and I ‘ co slept’ with DS in a sidebar crib for the first six months and have had him in my bed before, I have nothing against people doing whatever works for them, but babies in their own bed isn’t some bizarre British oddity either!

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Do you know what happens to you when people judge you OP?

Literally nothing. You can just carry on exactly as you have been. Their judgement only affects them. They get themselves all irritated and wound up by things that are none of their business and that they have no control over. Imagine being that stupid?

Great post!

I'd be more concerned at nearly a year on why your partner is still in the spare room. I never co slept with any of mine, I like my own space and when I was with my then ex being intimate etc.

We cosleep here. I suspect we are much better rested than my friends who are forever faffing about trying to make their kids go back to bed. I always felt it was really weird and unnatural to make a small child sleep alone.

Get a bigger bed
Don't tell nosy judgmental fuckers

Doesn't it affect the romantic and sexual relationship between you and dh?

It's mostly close friends and family looking quite horrified when I say DC is in with me still.

Options are

A) look blankly at them and then change the subject

B) say “goodness! That seems to really bother you, doesn’t it?” They’ll be on the backfoot then and stumble about trying to defend themselves. Which means you are no longer feeling that you have to defend yourself.

Personally speaking, we have other beds and surfaces in the house we can have sex in! In fact, it's probably made things better on there front as neither of us are tired. We managed to conceive another DC so can't be doing too badly

With older babies and toddlers, you generally put them to sleep in your bed and then get back up and then get back in with them when you go to bed later. DD goes to bed at 7, I cuddle her to sleep, then get back up and spend my evening however I want, and then get back into bed at 11 or whenever I go.

@MintyGreenDream hmm I am still recovering from a very very traumatic birth so we've not quite regained our stride on that side of things yet. I'm sure it'll come in time. We are still very affectionate and he does come in for a cuddle in the morning!

My sil sleeps with her 11yr old. He sleeps well, she doesn’t. He kicks off if they don’t share a bed and he wakes her up all night long if she sleeps in her own bed. She has to go to bed at the same time as him otherwise he won’t settle.
For her it was laziness as it’s easier to cosleep than get your child to sleep in their own bed.
This one isn’t going to change easily

I guess it because it’s still not seen as the done thing. When I was younger, everyone I went to school with slept in their own rooms. I also don’t know anyone IRL who does it. It’s only reading on here that I’ve heard of lots of people doing it. My friends haven’t done it with their DC, my SIL hasn’t done it with either of hers.

Is ‘buy a bigger bed’ the new ‘do more hours’? I’ve lived in houses/flats with small rooms where you can just about squeeze a double bed and some drawers!

Ignore the judgemental morons.

Dd loved her cot as a baby. Got to 9 months and she learned to walk (and climb) and that was it, refuses to sleep alone. We coslept for the majority if the time til she was 6. She still sleeps with me now aged 8 when she is upset/ill/ anxious about anything.

She is a nightmare, she fidgets, farts, smacks her lips, grinds her teeth and talks in her sleep but I love that she feels comfortable in bed with me and I am not about to discourage her. If she needs the reassurance of laying in bed with me then so be it.

Being a mum means you are judged for one thing or the other. I couldn't understand the co-sleep and long-term breastfeeding a friend did but equally she couldn't understand me going back to work, putting DD into a nursery and craving time without having a child attached to me constantly.

We just agreed to not discuss parenting choices and still are good friends 14 years later.

Choose friends wisely, ignore comments of people you are not close to and set boundaries what you want to discuss.

Mine are 2 and 3 and I co sleep with either / both of the regularly. Just do whatever gets you the most sleep. Being physically close to your babies / toddlers is nothing to be ashamed of! People are so nosey and silly. Of course with tiny babies we have to be careful to do things safely and be aware of the risks.

@pinkstripeycat

My sil sleeps with her 11yr old. He sleeps well, she doesn’t. He kicks off if they don’t share a bed and he wakes her up all night long if she sleeps in her own bed. She has to go to bed at the same time as him otherwise he won’t settle. For her it was laziness as it’s easier to cosleep than get your child to sleep in their own bed. This one isn’t going to change easily

But this is a whole different thing. Co-sleeping with an 11 year old is crackers and bad for them.

Co sleeping is marvelous and things will naturally transition when you and your baby feel ready. Don't worry about anyone else, what you are doing clearly works for you and your family. Dh has just carried a fast asleep 9 year old from our bed so that dh could get in. Dh then remarked that one day we will stop hearing that satisfied sigh the 9 year old makes when he snuggles into dh's arms to be carried. Anyway, one day you will sleep your last night together one day you will put your child down and never pick them up again. Enjoy those snuggles.