AIBU to not understand how people don't learn?

[EdenFlower]

A few weeks ago DH offered to make the mash to go with the dinner I was making. He made it in a non-stick pan using a metal masher- ruined the pan and the mash was grey and full of bits of the non- stick and we had to start again.

This weekend we have been talking about buying some new non-stick pans because at least one of them is now ruined.

Tonight, DH offers to peel the potatoes for the mash. I go into the kitchen and he's put the potatoes into the non-stick pan he ruined a few weeks ago. I say- "errr, don't you remember what happened last time?"
He says, "but I chose that because it's the biggest pan" (it's not)-
I say "but you can't mash in that pan"
He says "yes, but I'll put them in another pan to mash them"

Is there no learning? And where is the logic in that?
He's sulking now because I said "but that's pointless- why not just choose a pan you can cook them in and then mash in afterwards?"

How am I supposed to have patience with this shit? I feel Like I spend my life trunk to teach people stuff which they can't retain- DD is exactly the same- it takes years to learn a simple fact and apply it logically.

@spacerader - because the OP insists on non-stick pans, if you want not very good pans that need specific utensils, and have already had one ruined because the utensils you have dont work with them, then at the same time you pick a non-stick pan, you need to get the utensils.

But the bigger issue is that the OP felt it wasn't enough that her dh didn't ruin the new pan, he also had to cook entirely her way. She wouldn't use that pan for boiling potatoes so he was in the wrong. His solution was fine. I cant stand the sort of person who thinks there are only 2 ways to do things their way and the wrong way.

This is deliberate incompetence OP. It's something that men do so that you won't ask them to do it again.

Except he offered to do it in the first place. Or are you also suggesting men will offer to do something they haven’t been asked to do, just so they can do it badly in case you might ask them to do it again in the future? In which case, it seems you have had some very bad experiences wit men.

@BrilliantBetty

Well, I understand your frustration OP. My DH appears to the outside world like a fairly smart chap, I expect. He is in a professional job and well regarded. Knows a lot of stuff about certain things. But bloody hell some of the simple things at home he is just useless at, no common sense sometimes. The example you've given could be something my DH has done / would do. In fact we have just had a small row because he has washed poorly DC's sickroom bedding on a 30degree short cycle with no disinfectant. Who is now going to have to put it all back in and wash it properly.. me, I expect.

That's the sort of thing my DH would do. He also does a "big job". It's so frustrating. I have to try to second guess all the random things he might do and make sure I've told him not to do them before he starts. And remind him every time he does that job. He's also massively inconsistent so sometimes will do things perfectly, and then suddenly does something completely random.

I mean, you could flip it around OP, after the bit-filled mash, why didn't you learn that non-stick pans are generally an inferior product? Why did you insist on buying exactly the same rubbish pans that dont work with your utensils after you'd seen how rubbish they are and easily broken?

Margot really doesn't like non stick pans!

@madmomma

been trying to teach her the same simple things for well over ten years and she just doesn't absorb it at all.

In the absence of special needs, I'd suspect there was some learned incompetence going on here.

Are they all equally motivated?

I used to ignore anything my mother tried to teach me. I knew if I was sufficiently incompetent I would eventually be chucked out of the kitchen and sent to do homework. I much preferred homework to what I thought of as kitchen slavery.

The first time my mother visited me in my own flat, she was totally gobsmacked to discover I could cook and had actually taken in what interested me of what she tried to teach me.

Ring any bells?

If yiu had thrown away the pan after the coating came off last time, this wouldn’t have happened. If I saw someone reheating something in a pan where the coating was coming off, I would have a similar reaction to the one you did when you DH chose the pan (as in WTF?).

If you want to use metal utensils you really need stainless steel pans. If you insist on non stick pans, get some plastic ones. Problem solved.

I don't know why you'd keep the damaged pan tbh

finally I did think that for years, but she's 23 now, and still cuts corners all over the show. I think she just doesn't focus on what she's doing. Maybe you're absolutely right and she's having me on, but it seems genuine. Perhaps she's subconsciously sloppy because she's s not invested in the household tasks. I really don't know. She doesn't have serious special needs, but she's not the sharpest tool in the box, bless her.

I don't insist on non-stick pans- that's the problem- we have 2 sets of pans- one set of plain stainless steel and one set of non-stick.

The pan thing is a moot point anyway- it's not about the pans, it's about not learning from your mistakes!

Why do I need to adapt the kitchen for him? I don't need a plastic masher because I know to choose a stainless steel pan for mash! He ruined the pan last time- why do I need to throw it away- why doesn't he?

The OP's attitude has me humming the song, Oh Lord it's hard to humble when you're perfect in every way.

Any chance he has dyspraxia?

@EdenFlower

I don't insist on non-stick pans- that's the problem- we have 2 sets of pans- one set of plain stainless steel and one set of non-stick.

The pan thing is a moot point anyway- it's not about the pans, it's about not learning from your mistakes!

Why do I need to adapt the kitchen for him? I don't need a plastic masher because I know to choose a stainless steel pan for mash! He ruined the pan last time- why do I need to throw it away- why doesn't he?

He did learn from his mistake though - he was using the pan that you yourself said is good enough for boiling stuff in to boil potatoes, then he was going to use a different one to mash in.

That's learning. Just not in the way you liked.

Why should i buy plastic utensils or use a potato ricer instead

Why should the kitchen only be equipped in the way you like? And surely as a couple who've been married for so long it should be "Why should we buy..." rather than sounding like you alone kit out the place?

If DH wanted a plastic masher he could buy one! The kitchen not equipped especially for either of our states- it's just equipped the way we have acquired things over the years.

Bloody hell- no wonder men act like children. If as a woman I have to make sure the kitchen is 'man proof' with plastic utensils, and pans that can't be damaged by metal, and remove objects from it to prevent them making mistakes then it's a sorry state of affairs.

Was he bollocks going to use a different pan.

It’s all very well letting the twat learn his own lessons in life, but OP has to eat his shite mash potato and has every right to point out his potential mash potato cock up.

@PuppyMonkey

Was he bollocks going to use a different pan.

It’s all very well letting the twat learn his own lessons in life, but OP has to eat his shite mash potato and has every right to point out his potential mash potato cock up.

Yep, now way was he- that was just his get when caught in the act of repeating a stupid mistake!

I cant get my head round buying both stainless steel pans and non-stick pans (you need to marie kondo your kitchen), but only buying metal utensils. At the point you buy those non-stick pans, why keep utensils that will ruin them? Surely they go together, you buy non-stick pans, you buy plastic utensils as well? It does read like no one in your household is logical/ able to think things through - and you can only see your dh's flaws.

I can't believe the mash-apologism going down on this thread.

YANBU, OP, was he eff as like going to use another pan for mashing.

Well I don't know why you didn't just jam the pan on his head then give it a few smacks with the spud masher while shouting ' were you born stupid or do you have to work at it!!'
That'll learn him.

@PuppyMonkey

Was he bollocks going to use a different pan.

It’s all very well letting the twat learn his own lessons in life, but OP has to eat his shite mash potato and has every right to point out his potential mash potato cock up.

This.

Like fuck would I be not having a portion of my dinner because someone can't engage their brain enough to use the right pan.

I have stainless steel pans and non stick ones too OP, it's not complicated to use the right one.

I’m agog at the posters suggesting you buy a plastic masher or hide the utensils! This is a grown man. Raise your standards in a partner!

OP YANBU.

I wonder this about people that don’t press the button at lights or the lift. How do they imagine it works? How do they think it knows they are there? How long have they stood there and indeed how long will they continue to stand there in future because that haven’t grasped that it’s not motion sensored or black magic.

@EdenFlower

If DH wanted a plastic masher he could buy one! The kitchen not equipped especially for either of our states- it's just equipped the way we have acquired things over the years.

Bloody hell- no wonder men act like children. If as a woman I have to make sure the kitchen is 'man proof' with plastic utensils, and pans that can't be damaged by metal, and remove objects from it to prevent them making mistakes then it's a sorry state of affairs.

This is a man you met, dated, married and chose to reproduce with.

If he's that much of a useless imbecile, you've left it a bit late in noticing.

Maybe you should look to yourself as to why you've ended up with such am idiot.
Your bar must have been incredibly low.

*an

I do stuff like this and I am a woman. Drives DP mad. Turns out I have adhd. I forget stuff and get carried away in a moment.