AIBU to not understand how people don't learn?

[EdenFlower]

A few weeks ago DH offered to make the mash to go with the dinner I was making. He made it in a non-stick pan using a metal masher- ruined the pan and the mash was grey and full of bits of the non- stick and we had to start again.

This weekend we have been talking about buying some new non-stick pans because at least one of them is now ruined.

Tonight, DH offers to peel the potatoes for the mash. I go into the kitchen and he's put the potatoes into the non-stick pan he ruined a few weeks ago. I say- "errr, don't you remember what happened last time?"
He says, "but I chose that because it's the biggest pan" (it's not)-
I say "but you can't mash in that pan"
He says "yes, but I'll put them in another pan to mash them"

Is there no learning? And where is the logic in that?
He's sulking now because I said "but that's pointless- why not just choose a pan you can cook them in and then mash in afterwards?"

How am I supposed to have patience with this shit? I feel Like I spend my life trunk to teach people stuff which they can't retain- DD is exactly the same- it takes years to learn a simple fact and apply it logically.

I can’t understand why the damaged pan wasn’t thrown away - it’s not safe to use it if ‘bits’ are coming away. I only use a non stick pan for scrambled eggs.
Can’t help with your DH issue though. How would he have managed on his own??

@EdenFlower

See, you are all making excuses and solutions to help him in his inability to learn- why? Why should i buy plastic utensils or use a potato ricer instead- why is he not expected to be able to learn from the mistake and not do it again- I don't get it- why are men treated and act like children? I can choose a pan suitable for cooking and mashing in, why can't he be expected to ?

Whoaaaa!!! You met this guy, you dated him, married him, and chose to reproduce with him 🤣

He's not just become this way overnight!

If him doing his mash fills you with such stroppy rages and accusations of making excuses for him. What have you been doing all these years?

I'll be honest if you were like this around me, I'd be telling to mash your own spuds! 😁

No OP, you were in the wrong here. Once youd pointed out that he was using a pan he couldn't use the metal masher with, at that point you should have shut up and let him decide how he wanted to make the mash. Be it use a different pan completely, transfer to a bowl for mashing, or another pan. By insisting he had to use the solution you would to this problem, you were being a bit controlling and in the wrong here.

But also, why did you buy new non-stick pans, but at the same time not pick up utensils you can use with those pans? If you want nonstick pans, why haven't you got plastic utensils? That feels like you are setting him up to fail.

Tell him that any pans he destroys he has to replace.

Repeat. "Oh did you burn that pan? Best Buy a new one today."

Any meals he fucks up, say "oh dear, best put it right then eh?" Then don't help him.

He'll learn!

I am in complete agreement with you OP and can't believe the number of women telling you to just leave him to it

LTB.

I'm with you op, I'd be infuriated as well.

I dont understand why so many posters are saying he needs to make mistakes to learn. He is a grown ass adult, he made a mistake he should have learnt already. He doesn't need to do it a million times to learn.

Also why would the op stand back and watch him make the same mistake again, and then have no dinner because of it. That makes no sense.

And why would the op throw out the pan, if it is possibly still fit for use for cooking items that are suitable to go in it.

Mn needs to chill, the op is allowed to be annoyed with her dp over trivial things. But I'm sure none of you complanning she is micro managing or saying she is wrong have ever moaned at your dp over anything.

@MargosKaftan

No OP, you were in the wrong here. Once youd pointed out that he was using a pan he couldn't use the metal masher with, at that point you should have shut up and let him decide how he wanted to make the mash. Be it use a different pan completely, transfer to a bowl for mashing, or another pan. By insisting he had to use the solution you would to this problem, you were being a bit controlling and in the wrong here.

But also, why did you buy new non-stick pans, but at the same time not pick up utensils you can use with those pans? If you want nonstick pans, why haven't you got plastic utensils? That feels like you are setting him up to fail.

🤣🤣 he is a grown ass adult. How the hell is op setting him up to fail because she didn't buy a plastic masher. He is not a child. He should know the basics of cooking. And why couldn't he buy himself a plastic masher if he struggles so much. Why is this ops responsibility?

and then have no dinner because of it. That makes no sense.

Well it wasn’t no dinner, was it? It was just the mash. (Presumably because that’s all he’s allowed to attempt ) so if he ruined it Op would still have her dinner, just no mash, at which point she could make a point of complaining how there was no mash with dinner and letting him know how disappointing it was. He would also be without mash. So perhaps would be keen to sort his mash issues out for the next time.

@Spacerader

I'm with you op, I'd be infuriated as well.

I dont understand why so many posters are saying he needs to make mistakes to learn. He is a grown ass adult, he made a mistake he should have learnt already. He doesn't need to do it a million times to learn.

Also why would the op stand back and watch him make the same mistake again, and then have no dinner because of it. That makes no sense.

And why would the op throw out the pan, if it is possibly still fit for use for cooking items that are suitable to go in it.

Mn needs to chill, the op is allowed to be annoyed with her dp over trivial things. But I'm sure none of you complanning she is micro managing or saying she is wrong have ever moaned at your dp over anything.

Maybe many of us women on here wouldn't have waited until our kids were 16 for 16 odd years before our husbands/ partners/ bf learnt to mash a spud!

Yes how many times would the posters telling you to stop micro managing etc let him fuck up the dinner!

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

and then have no dinner because of it. That makes no sense.

Well it wasn’t no dinner, was it? It was just the mash. (Presumably because that’s all he’s allowed to attempt ) so if he ruined it Op would still have her dinner, just no mash, at which point she could make a point of complaining how there was no mash with dinner and letting him know how disappointing it was. He would also be without mash. So perhaps would be keen to sort his mash issues out for the next time.

Or rather than having no mash, she could have stepped it to make sure it didn't go wrong.

This is really not a life changing learning moment that a person needs to fail at to become a better person.

If I'm looking forward to a sausage and mash tea I'd be well pissed off with just sausages. Like fuck am I taking the high road, I'd be the first to remind my dp of his previous mistake to make sure it didn't happen again.

"Maybe many of us women on here wouldn't have waited until our kids were 16 for 16 odd years before our husbands/ partners/ bf learnt to mash a spud!"

I'm struggling to understand what this even means or you are trying to suggest.

We’re all different. I’d have let him carry on and then said “we’ll this is a bit shit, isn’t it?” When served my plate of sausages. next meal I might have said “are you risking the flakey pan again?”

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

We’re all different. I’d have let him carry on and then said “we’ll this is a bit shit, isn’t it?” When served my plate of sausages. next meal I might have said “are you risking the flakey pan again?”

But this is what op done. He fucked up once, then she reminded him the 2nd time.

I think she did a bit more than that tbh. She says he is sulking but she is sulking too at “having” to “teach” him again.

Out of interest OP, what happened in the end?

This is not normal.

He must be really stupid.

How exhausting for you.

I couldn't respect a person that was so dim, much less be married to them.

You have my sympathy.

I totally understand frustration with inept men, but I don't see that at all here.

From the description he had a plan, which was to use a different pot to mash them in. OP may not have thought that was the best option, but that's how he planned to do it. He had learned from his mistake, and had a ready answer and a plan on how to avoid it. It's incredibly controlling to suggest it must only be done a certain way, even if that is the more obvious option.

I'm actually the person who does the cooking in our house, and I'm a very decent cook. But I sometimes lack common sense in practicalities (autism and ADHD) and I often have my own way of doing things. If I had a perfectly viable plan and someone was standing over me crossly and posting about my ineptitude on forums just because I didn't do things the way they deemed was right, they could peel, cook and mash their own bloody potatoes in the future.

I boil them in a pan, and then put them in a glass bowl to mash 🤷‍♀️

Just let him make the mistake a few times then. He'll pick it up. Is this the first couple times he's cooked mash if your marriage - if so, why? if not, what happened before?

What's I notice is you're talking about your 16 year old daughter in the same way, which is OTT.

On any given day my DW does something of this nature. Often multiple times. She's not even able to remember who's clothes are who's and put them away correctly so I have to spend ages having to find my clean things. But she's also late diagnosed Autistic and has executive functioning issues. One of these is an inability to learn from task to task and apply the logic. The other is to understand and follow instructions with more than one step. I should have more sympathy but its not funny anymore after 20 years. I'm essentially a 'foreman' in my own home. We are separating. Not the only reason but certainly a major contributer. Its completely a passion killer to have to instruct the person you are married too. If I don't then she gets cross I haven't helped or advised so I can't win. She can't cook and she never notices when we run out of things. Its exhausting and joyless. You have my complete sympathy. It seems funny and quirky but can totally grind you down. I can never just not worry about something. If I didn't nothing would ever get done. The children would suffer.

But if he didn't act like a child- would I need to supervise the mash making- how may times do you think he should be allowed to make the same mistake before learning? I can accept once!

He is an adult. It isn’t your job to teach him things. My husband is allowed to make as many mistakes as he likes because he is a grown up and I married him to be my partner, not my subordinate.

From the description he had a plan, which was to use a different pot to mash them in. OP may not have thought that was the best option, but that's how he planned to do it. He had learned from his mistake, and had a ready answer and a plan on how to avoid it. It's incredibly controlling to suggest it must only be done a certain way, even if that is the more obvious option.

Yep. “It’s my way or the Highway” is a ridiculously controlling attitude.

I'm actually the person who does the cooking in our house, and I'm a very decent cook. But I sometimes lack common sense in practicalities

My husband is the same. He can use every single pan to make beans on toast. The kitchen is a bomb site as he doesn’t clean as he goes. He often does things in a way that seems strange to me. But when he’s done, I have a meal I didn’t have to cook, pretty much every day of the week. Sticking a few extra pans in the dishwasher or spending some extra time cleaning (instead of sitting on my butt watching telly) is fine by me. I can’t imagine getting upset about it and trying to teach him to do it my way. Especially when the bloody obvious solution to the OPs perceived problem is to buy a plastic masher.

When I buy food, it would be really difficult to watch someone ruin it and not say anything. Particularly if they were doing it more than once.
I don’t see why the OP should have to buy special mashers or go without an element of her dinner because her husband is stupid.

Well, I understand your frustration OP.
My DH appears to the outside world like a fairly smart chap, I expect. He is in a professional job and well regarded. Knows a lot of stuff about certain things.
But bloody hell some of the simple things at home he is just useless at, no common sense sometimes. The example you've given could be something my DH has done / would do. In fact we have just had a small row because he has washed poorly DC's sickroom bedding on a 30degree short cycle with no disinfectant. Who is now going to have to put it all back in and wash it properly.. me, I expect.