AIBU to not understand how people don't learn?

[EdenFlower]

A few weeks ago DH offered to make the mash to go with the dinner I was making. He made it in a non-stick pan using a metal masher- ruined the pan and the mash was grey and full of bits of the non- stick and we had to start again.

This weekend we have been talking about buying some new non-stick pans because at least one of them is now ruined.

Tonight, DH offers to peel the potatoes for the mash. I go into the kitchen and he's put the potatoes into the non-stick pan he ruined a few weeks ago. I say- "errr, don't you remember what happened last time?"
He says, "but I chose that because it's the biggest pan" (it's not)-
I say "but you can't mash in that pan"
He says "yes, but I'll put them in another pan to mash them"

Is there no learning? And where is the logic in that?
He's sulking now because I said "but that's pointless- why not just choose a pan you can cook them in and then mash in afterwards?"

How am I supposed to have patience with this shit? I feel Like I spend my life trunk to teach people stuff which they can't retain- DD is exactly the same- it takes years to learn a simple fact and apply it logically.

Well I suppose if you marry a stupid man, you have to put up with him actually being stupid. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t see why the OP should have to buy special mashers

“Special mashers” 😆

Standard plastic masher, 3 quid from b&m, that anyone with non stick pans should have.

I don't understand the 'keep letting him make the same mistake and then he'll learn'. I mean, I get it in theory but, what do you do about your dinner in the meantime while he has to start from scratch making a new batch on mashed potato? Again.

I mean, I get it in theory but, what do you do about your dinner in the meantime while he has to start from scratch making a new batch on mashed potato? Again.

That wasn’t going to happen. He had a plan. It just wasn’t good enough for his proxy mother the OP

My 40 year old, lived on his own in a very tidy, organised house until he was 35, DP, asked me how to get the washing from the machine out to the line a few months ago.

The same week, he asked me how he should get his repeat prescription. He’s been on it for 20 years, lived on his own as mentioned above, and I’ve only put it in for him in the last year.

It’s absolutely a conscious decision on many men’s part, to be ridiculous.

He wasn't going to mash the potatoes in the pan though was he. He said he was boiling them in the pan and then mashing them in another one. So whilst this may not necessarily be the most logical way he had learned and was not making the same mistake again

No way had he been planning to mash them in a different pan why would he?! As OP says he had clearly been about to produce another serving of grey-flecked non-stick-filled mash, he said that to save face when she picked him up on it. I wouldn’t be just leaving him to it either, that’s absolutely gross! And from what OP days, like most people they can’t afford to just replace pans willy nilly when he fucks up. I’ve had my moments of doing things like this when cooking so I have sympathy for him doing it the first time, but I don’t make the same mistakes twice and I’d very much hope my husband would stop me if he saw me doing something that he knew was going to ruin either our tea or our pan!

I .. I just... Non-stick pans. Metal. Come on, man.

Ruined food plus expensive pans they need replacing? I'd be pissed. YANBU.

@Clymene

And women on here - particularly on AIBU - think any man is better than no man.

It's pitiful how low they set the bar.

Jesus! .

@Luredbyapomegranate

Just let him make the mistake a few times then. He'll pick it up. Is this the first couple times he's cooked mash if your marriage - if so, why? if not, what happened before?

What's I notice is you're talking about your 16 year old daughter in the same way, which is OTT.

I made this same point in a post a bit further back.

It would seem the OP's husband has only just decided to start cooking or the OP has spent years and years having crap mash.

The fact that the OP described her Daughter as pretty useless too strongly suggests that the OP has been playing the martyr all these years and probably never let anyone do anything as she's the only one who can do it properly.

Now, she's creating because it's all being done wrong, and still exerting control by insisting it's all done her way.

She can't have it all ways, she's played her part in this situation. No point moaning now.

My husband is the same OP. If I don't point out the obvious (like cleaning the tumble dryer filter so the house doesn't burn down) he doesn't do it, and if I do point out the obvious he says "I know that!" I feel your pain.

I agree with the poster who said some people find it very hard to learn. I've seen this with my children,rather than my husband. Two of them learn from the first time you teach them something or correct them, the third, I've been trying to teach her the same simple things for well over ten years and she just doesn't absorb it at all. It's incredibly, incredibly frustrating.

But he said he was going to mash them in a different pan, so he had learnt. Do you mean you don’t believe that?

I’m presuming this isn’t the only thing he’s done that you feel makes him incompetent. Why are you with him then? If he’s useless, which I would have no time for, then get rid of him.

You sound hard work tbh...... And the fault lies with the person who bought a metal masher in the first place.

This reminds me of the time I sent DH out for birthday bunting. He returned with muffin cases because that's all he could find... thought I'd said "birthday bun tins
^

Omfg dying

I do agree OP that it's frustrating to have to do all the thinking, all the time.
Sometimes I do, 'just pretend I'm invisible for a few hours' or spend a very long time in the bathroom, but, without leaving him with orders, nothing happens.

This is not normal.

He must be really stupid.

^^ tell it like it is

But...but...surely it should have been obvious in the FIRST place that you dont use metal utensils in a non stick pan?

Did no solution to the non stick pan/metal masher problem occur to him? Use a mixing bowl to mash? It's really not that difficult!

I'm with you on this one op

Dear God!! Millions have died in the pandemic and you are fussing about mash? Get a grip! On a plastic masher and a new pan and do it yourself in future

@Clymene

This is deliberate incompetence OP. It's something that men do so that you won't ask them to do it again. It's why they can't operate washing machines

I don't blame you for being furious. Bet he wouldn't do it at work.

Agree. They do it because they don't believe they should have to do these awful menial jobs.

Sorry op but if I had sent my husband for red jelly for an accompaniment for meat and he brought back a kids strawberry jelly pudding pot I just would have wet myself laughing I couldn't be angry because its so daft. Honestly

@AlohaMolly

My 40 year old, lived on his own in a very tidy, organised house until he was 35, DP, asked me how to get the washing from the machine out to the line a few months ago.

The same week, he asked me how he should get his repeat prescription. He’s been on it for 20 years, lived on his own as mentioned above, and I’ve only put it in for him in the last year.

It’s absolutely a conscious decision on many men’s part, to be ridiculous.

This is so unsexy.

It's so very very unattractive.

I feel for you, OP. I have one of my own and we will be separating. I don’t think other people understand that this is just one small example in days filled with this kind of crap. It’s utterly exhausting to have to be ‘on’ all the time, and it’s very easy for others to say let him make the mistakes or forget things etc.when they aren’t the ones who are constantly missing out/being neglected/having to rectify the wrongs that result from this behaviour. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

Because I am intelligent enough to remember said pan made grey mashe so assume other adult family members- especially the one who made the grey mash, would be also similarly intelligent enough to not make same mistake twice! Said pan is sevicible enough for a bit of reheating something or boilings stuff until we can afford to replace it for now

OK... but he was only going to boil the potatoes in that pan and then put them in another one to mash?

It's not the way you would do it but would work fine.

I think you are being overly controlling and critical.

I think you need to leave him to it and don't say anything until the finished result, which probably would have been absolutely fine. If it was grey again then fair enough - just throw the bloody pan out.

But just because he does it in a different way to you does not mean it's wrong.

From the description he had a plan, which was to use a different pot to mash them in. OP may not have thought that was the best option, but that's how he planned to do it. He had learned from his mistake, and had a ready answer and a plan on how to avoid it. It's incredibly controlling to suggest it must only be done a certain way, even if that is the more obvious option.
Exactly. As long as he is then going to do the washing up of the unnecessary extra pan I don't get this issue