"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

Twelve years into just such an arrangement

We didn’t have any formal arrangements in place at all
We were both determined that this was a new start and that we would support each other
We have weathered some very traumatic times, including long term illness and then death of two parents; operations and ongoing mental health issues
We firmly believe it is much better than living with a man!

Sounds perfect. I often think that when Dh dies I'd like to live with women on a commune, but this sounds better.

The key thing is, do you have a similar parenting skills, rules and expectations for all the children?

That’s normally what makes or break a family merge. It is heaven when you do but if you want to see how it is when it doesn’t head to the step-parenting topic.

I think this is a brilliant idea, I've thought about this kind of arrangement.

However, it's important to think about how either if you could exit the arrangement if you wanted to. Perhaps agree a set time period when you review it and see what you both think?

"I also did not plan to charge her anything towards my mortgage - it is not like I suddenly will be paying more."

No, you won't be paying more, but you will be in some sense getting less, in as much as you will be sharing your home. It seems somehow off if she is not paying housing costs at all and all the while benefiting from capital appreciation plus rental income from her own home.

Not saying you shouldn't go ahead, but that doesn't seem really right? She could pay in some other way, but just because you are keen on the idea and even if she has no mal intent, there's something about skin in the game I guess.

I did this years ago when my son was about 6, and my friends kids were similar ages. We rented a big house with plenty of room for everyone to have their own space, and were very compatible in terms of how we dealt with our kids. The kids got on really well, other than the inevitable punch ups and arguments over silly things, and my friend and I enjoyed each others company, and shared all the housework equally, so it was a really nice way to live.

I also did not plan to charge her anything towards my mortgage - it is not like I suddenly will be paying more.

How are you going to deal with repairs like a new boiler etc?

What about decorating, new carpets and the likes?

There could potentially be a big difference in that - with good tenants she could be making a profit and having her mortgage paid, yet you’ll still be paying yours yourself. Will that cause an income disparity?
What about the fact that the wear and tear on your house will be more with double people?

I think it sounds a lovely idea. Yes, there's some stuff to sort to do with children/discipline/bills etc that needs sorting(maybe some in a contract of some kind) but it sounds a great idea. 6 months as a trial run is a good idea even. Certainly don't think it means neither of you could ever date/meet anyone again, if anything it would make it easier as you can watch each other's kids.

I know two women who did this years ago. Just be prepared for everyone to assume you are a gay couple, but I would definitely go for this. I think it I would be a brilliant idea for older women too, a couple of widows perhaps, to stave off loneliness.

Sounds imbalanced.

She moves into YOUR existing home.
She moves a big distance into YOUR area.
YOU already have school commitments.
YOU earn significantly more than her.

Would you do this the other way round?
Are YOU open to selling up, leaving your home, moving DCs schools and moving to another area?

What specifically are the differences in parenting? What have the issues been?

It seems the logistics and finances suit you very well - minimal disruption / risk for your finances and logistics with many potential benefits. She on the other hand has major disruption and risk to her finances and logistics.

Would you having an au pair give you most of what you need?

What will be the emotional impact on the children of sharing their home, changing the rules etc. Maybe have a look at the step-parenting thread to get an idea of what things come up - because is that not what you will become? Was that what you wanted to raise another persons children.

I would look v closely at why both of your marriages / relationships failed at such an early part of parenting.

I would put in the diary that you have a meeting to discuss if you are all happy carrying on with this arrangement every 6 months and if one of you isn’t then there is a time line of say 6 months for you to go your separate ways.
One of you might meet someone and I think having a similar timeline in mind if that person wants to move on also would help in giving you some certainty.

No matter how much planning you do there will be teething problems between more than likely the children.

I know you are both struggling financially atm but are you both on the same page regarding finances because no matter how much you get on if one of you is leaving lights on or boiling full kettles for one cup of water it will immediately get on the others nerves.
Also I would put into a contract how many times per week the other will baby sit, who does the washing up, ironing etc

I think it is a brilliant idea and more people should try it if they have a friend or family member you get on with.

Just have a very good contract overnight every sticking point and penalties of you don’t stick to it.

I like the sound of this. I used to love watching Kate and Allie as a child!

@erinaceus

"I also did not plan to charge her anything towards my mortgage - it is not like I suddenly will be paying more."

No, you won't be paying more, but you will be in some sense getting less, in as much as you will be sharing your home. It seems somehow off if she is not paying housing costs at all and all the while benefiting from capital appreciation plus rental income from her own home.

Not saying you shouldn't go ahead, but that doesn't seem really right? She could pay in some other way, but just because you are keen on the idea and even if she has no mal intent, there's something about skin in the game I guess.

I thought the same at first but then I remembered that the best way to avoid your live in partner having a claim to your house is not allowing him to contribute to the mortgage.

Having said that, if they are merging finances, it might be worth it to draw a legar agreement saying that neither of them would have claim to the other’s property as I expect both will need to contribute to the upkeep and maintenance costs of the building due to wear and tear or when a child decides to write all over the walls (or similar)

I would look v closely at why both of your marriages / relationships failed at such an early part of parenting.
Both of our husbands have left for much younger colleagues once the children were born and it all became not as fun as before. In that respect our lives are almost a carbon copy of each other, we even joke about it.

Also can she afford to be a landlord?

Properly. Many people underestimate how much it costs, especially now the tax and deductions situation is different to a few years ago. It’s nowhere near as profitable.

Wonderful idea!

Much better than living with a man.

I think with young children it's possibly quite feasible but as they get older children throw up more and more parenting challenges potentially, and the world outside the home affects them far more than it does pre school children. The potential for conflict/ different approaches will increase. It's one thing to compromise with the child's father, but why would you want to do that for a friend who has no relation to your child?

Similarly, young children tend to muck in and play together quite well, unless one has particular needs. By around 10 they will have preferences and have developed their own personalities. How easy will it be to negotiate times / spaces when they need to be together in the house.

I also wouldn't want to be the one living in a house that wasn't my own. You'll always have the "power" in that regard. If you meet a romantic partner, does she have to move 90 minutes away and take her children out of school. Or give notice to tenants, sell her place and wait to buy in your area? That's a huge disadvantage potentially.

What if you get on each other's nerves? Living together isn't like a nice day out or a holiday. It is easy to get along in those circumstances. Also potentially easier for two childfree women who house share, have their own space and are free to come and go as they wish. What you seem to be talking about is co-parenting. You'll be dependent on the good will of each other to agree on you each having time off for nights out, hobbies etc. Again more readily negotiated (though not always that easy either) by partners who share parental responsibility. What if you (or her) meet a man and want to start seeing them regularly, but the other doesn't?

Financially, I'm not sure how it would work. Should she contribute to house repairs in your house? Share the purchase of new appliances you both use? How easy will it be to divide up the outgoings fairly? Maybe she likes the heating on more than you, or uses more water etc. These things cause conflict in many flat/ house shares as it is.

As someone who lodged with several other women in my 20s (several different places), I would never go back to living in someone else's house again. It wasn't all bad, but the day I bought my own place was a very special one!

I would also prefer to keep my best friend just as that. We have been good friends since 16 and shared all aspects of our lives, been on holidays together etc. But I can see we don't 100% have the same views on everything (of course not) and sharing parenting would never have worked (not that it could have been an option as hers are quite a bit older).

Just to counter balance the majority positive view on here!

There was a tv show in the 80's with this set up en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kate_%26_Allie

I’ve discussed the possibility of something like this with an old school friend, but we’re both in our 60s, she has no kids and mine are grown up, we have a lot of shared history, get on OK and neither are interested in any long term relationships at this stage. Between us we could afford a big house with plenty of space. My main concern is that I drive and she doesn’t, I don’t want to be a taxi!

I can't remember the TV show, but you people do know they didn't really live together, don't you? And they had a scipt to follow ar a times!

I've a friend who has lived with her best pal for years and years. They have holidays together etc. No romantic relationship between them but a fully functional household 'partnership'. They are very happy and I rather envy them!

@middleager

I like the sound of this. I used to love watching Kate and Allie as a child!

You beat me to it!

I loved that show too.

I think this sounds brilliant. Best of luck to you all and keep us updated!

I think it would be wise to each rent out your own properties and rent a neutral property together. That way, there would be no potential for ill-feelings about maintenance costs / feeling like a guest or host (for you and the children) and so on.

I have no advice but just wanted to say that this sounds lovely and wish you luck with your plan!