"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

It sounds good on paper. However if one of you meets someone new ,or just wants some space for seeing friends or a boyfriend what then . If you can stay friends then all well and good .maybe just talk through the issues first together

@nopenotplaying

So the fathers financially contribute to their children? This may be impacted if you are cohabiting with someone?

No, neither is very much involved financially, both paying under £50/month, so not a big amount overall. And I thought child maintenance does not depend on the receiving parent's situation?

Sounds wonderful if it will work for you why not. Do be prepared that historically these arrangements were actually lesbian relationships but they obviously couldn’t be that open about it! Doesn’t mean you can’t live however you wish now though but just be prepared some people may presume that is your situation. Good luck!!

It’s interesting that a lot of the concerns and questions that are being raised wouldn’t be asked of a couple moving in together after 20 years - e.g. what happens if you fall out/one of you meets someone else, etc.
Well, I think that's fair enough - there would be more that would hold a couple together (even sexual attraction).

I like the idea in principle, but you need an exit strategy, and regular review points. Situations change!

@LiterallyKnowsBest

This does sound amazing.

Will you be happy to bring up her children if she dies?

And will you be happy for her to bring up your children if you die?

Or will you have other family arrangements in place for either eventuality?

Yes, we are beneficiaries on each other's life insurance exactly for that reason. I would not say exactly "happy" as it is a strange way to describe jt, but I would consider it my responsibility, yes. I mean, of course, unless the father comes out of the woodwork.

@JustLyra

I know it was super long, but do have a look at the post I made earlier.

I did this when my girls were younger and all the big things we sat and worked out, but the little things made it a disaster.

Christmas presents and ketchup were the two things that caused the final rows - I'm not even kidding. As ridiculous as they sound they were the proverbial straws.

It's the small shit that's likely to cause rows and resentment.

Yes, I know about the small shit, I've been married before I just hope that we can be above that.

I think this sounds like an absolutely marvellous idea. It is no different from a blended family really, without romantic complications! As long as you're both on the same page in terms of what happens if a significant relationship with an man was to arise, I can't see any real problems that aren't insurmountable. Tbh, what you've described sounds so ideal, and you seem to know each other and get on so well, that I'd imagine even a new relationship may not be better than this set up, and and can continue to be conducted outside the home. Plenty of long term partners do live apart as it works best for them. If you're in it for the long hall, in that you decide now to only live apart again when the kids are grown and independent (as otherwise it could be a bit like a family separation), then I think it sounds perfect.

The vast majority of humans likely lived communally in the past, helping care for everyone in the community together, including each others' kids. In some remote places they still do that. It's mutually beneficial. I always thought it would be really nice to live like that instead of all separated like modern society says we must be.

@nolongersurprised

People do become very defensive when their parenting is criticised, or even when there is perceived criticism. Sleepovers and weekends away aren’t really comparable because everyone is in fun mode.

I would suggest having a conversation with your friend in a relaxed environment and bringing up 3 things that you know you differ about with regard to parenting your children.

It might be stuff like : I won’t have TV on until 5pm on the weekends and I know you are more relaxed, or, I don’t care if my children don’t eat any tea, they can still have dessert but I know your rules are different. Or even, our favourite take away is McDs on Friday and yours is pizza on a Saturday, shall one of us change nights or are all our meals going to be similar.

It’ll work if the children are content and secure and most children do like a consistent routine

Oh yes, this is consistently raised on this thread and I think it is a good idea to sit down and establish ground rules visibly to everyone. Maybe even a timetable for the first month or two of when we do what.

My concern would be the effect on the children if for some reason the arrangement didn’t work out. However that happens with couples in a sexual relationship so I’d say go for it BUT now you’ve thought of the idea, don’t rush into it. Take your time both really thinking and talking about it all through, so when it does happen it hasn’t been rushed.

Am inspired - am going to dump DH and find myself a Boston Wife.

Sounds like a lovely life, honestly.

If you're in it for the long hall, in that you decide now to only live apart again when the kids are grown and independent (as otherwise it could be a bit like a family separation), then I think it sounds perfect.
Yes, the idea is a long-term commitment.

@LiterallyKnowsBest

Though I agree with the comment above regarding terminology. I’ve always understood ‘Boston marriage’ to indicate a closeted lesbian relationship. So it might be a needlessly complicated way to refer to yourselves in contemporary culture.

I’d imagine your children will find themselves having to explain their respective parents’ relationship status every single day - but it’s a small price to pay for what sounds like a beautifully well considered plan.

I thought the term comes from the times when married women could not be academics so they had to "marry" their female colleagues? As in, the absolute majority of female professors were in such arrangements. I don't remember where I read it, just stuck with me.

If you're in it for the long hall

If OP's only in it for the size of the rooms in this woman's house, I don't think it's gonna work out.

^Is suggest it’s worth renting somewhere new together rather than one family move in with the other

That would be not very rational financially, as both of us are higher rate taxpayers (so any rent will be taxed at 40%).^

@abostonfiancee no, rental income is treated differently. Any PROFIT is taxed at 40% (no matter what you earn) but there are various allowable expenses you can deduct.

Agree it may not make sense long term but I would do it for the first year to see if it can work.

My now DH and i did this (rather than one of us moving into the others flat) we then sold and bought somewhere new together two years later.

Anyway if your friend moves in with you she’ll become your Tennant (unless what she contributes is less than the rent a room scheme) and you’ll be taxed on that. And she’ll be renting her place out and taxed on that already so it may not make much difference.

I think this is a fabulous idea and wish I could do this too but I don't have many single friends with children the same age (I am an older mum)
Repeating what others have said
Trial for a month where you still pay the bills on her house before she rents it out.
Write an exit plan, how much notice do you give each other how will things disentangle etc.
Agree and write parenting rules for the house.write down all the scenarios and agree how you will deal with them including one child bullying another to more normal stuff of bedtimes and when they can have sweets and screen time.
Schedule I'm a formal once a month meeting where you can get everything out on the table and make amendments.
Agree finances including what oercentages go into the joint account, what happens with bonuses etc.
Make sure you take your children out to do things without them sometimes.
Make sure you have enough devices of similar quality for the children so there is no sharing or resentment
Agree emergency plans if both of you are in London and the trains go down.
Most importantly enjoy the company and someone to bounce ideas and problems off of.

no, rental income is treated differently. Any PROFIT is taxed at 40% (no matter what you earn) but there are various allowable expenses you can deduct.
I think the deductions are immaterial in this case, so it will be 40% straight. I also did not plan to charge her anything towards my mortgage - it is not like I suddenly will be paying more.

No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Yes providing that remains the case, it sounds a fabulous idea. If only more women would do this as an antidote to loneliness instead of saddling their poor children with a revolving door of unsuitable stepfathers then it would be a happier world.

Would you be buying, or renting together?

Potential pitfalls are that one of you does meet someone they want to move in with, sooner than panned in theory. (quite likely I imagine.)

Your children do not get along, or one of you thinks the other picks on your child while thinking their own is perfect.

But those are very real risks in any blended family.

All in all, I'd say go for it, but draw up a contract of expectations and rules to avoid any moving of goalposts later.

planned not panned

@RandomMess

As time goes on I think irritation will set in.

It's worth trying but could be very well wearing.

I can't see it being any more irritating than living with a partner.

The OP is giving this a lot more thought than a lot of couples do when they decide 5o move in together.

Is there a decent second principal bedroom for your friend?

That's a problem, Boston

You will fall out over money - if she is living rent free and paying her mortgage with tenants and they damage her property; or her kids damage yours...that's where squabbles begin.

I'd assume you are going to fall out over money, territory and parenting style - and chat through worst scene scenarios. MN has plenty of examples of each of those.

Sounds brilliant. Go for it!!

@KosherDill

Sounds great and I think if more single mums teamed up, everyone would benefit. Economies of scale and shared responsibility. Good luck!

I agree with this!

Plus I loved Kate & Allie!

Good luck Op.

If I divorce my DH can I move in too please!