"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

I'd be perfectly happy to share a house on a long-term basis with a female friend - I'd have thought there was lots going for it (especially if it's a friend I'd lived with successfully before).

However, I would only consider it once my children have fully left home. There's no way I'd do it with children of any age. It's just step-parenting by another name, and as PP have said, you only need to look at the step-parent boards on here to see what a minefield that is.

I also think that there is built-in inequality in the situation you are suggesting: your house, your higher income, etc. It's obviously more difficult for you to move as you already have a child at school, but I'd think of renting both your houses out and sharing somewhere else. Though that, too, is disruptive to the children when they are already facing one colossal change (namely having to live with other children to whom they are not related).

@abostonfiancee

I would look v closely at why both of your marriages / relationships failed at such an early part of parenting. Both of our husbands have left for much younger colleagues once the children were born and it all became not as fun as before. In that respect our lives are almost a carbon copy of each other, we even joke about it.

Why is that funny?

It must be v recent if you both have pre-schoolers - it must have hurt you and your DCs deeply.

How and why are they both not involved and don’t contribute financially - but are able to move to other relationships?

@closedown snigger.

I think cohabiting in a Family of choice is a wonderful idea. We’ve actively discussed it with single friends. My bestie stayed with us for a few months Both when ds was newborn and in one lockdown and it was wonderful fun for all of us with no conflicts ( we have lived together as singles several times over the years) and she gets on v well with DH and ds ( and is an amazing cooks And expert laundry folder- the creases!!)

What I like is pooling responsibility, skills and tasks, dividing laundry, cooking, house admin, pick ups by three worked so much better than by two and I have a very active DH who holds 60% of weekday childcare and pulls His weight at home, so I know I’m already v lucky.

It must be v recent if you both have pre-schoolers - it must have hurt you and your DCs deeply.
In both cases they left before the youngest child was born. Hers moved half way around the globe to be with the new woman, mine entered a midlife crisis and is soul searching for the last couple of years, not in paid employment and not really involved. From the DCs perspective, it is not like there has been a recent family breakdown and now I am introducing someone completely new to them

I think with good communication this could work so well and well done for normalising this! If I didn't have my dh I would consider this with a friend of mine. But I also like being on my own so not sure if I could do it. But I think this could work for a lot of people!

@Maskless

Just wanted to add that this kind of arrangement was extremely common during the Victorian-Edwardian era.

It would be two friends, sisters, cousins, or two women of different generations such as mother-daughter or aunt and niece. It seems to have worked out most of the time without people sitting down with reams of paperwork and negotiations!

I was going to post the same. A pretty common arrangement until relatively recently, as it used to be less common for people to live alone. I would absolutely have been up for this in your situation. Having another person to talk to, being able to help each other, so many advantages. People have evolved living in groups, and the pressures on women alone with small children are huge. For children too, having other adults around who care about them is a very good thing. No different really to sisters sharing a house. Of course sometimes the children might quarrel as they get older, but that is normal in any family set up, including blended families. If they get on well now then they are likely to be close as they get older.

OP,

I think a chat about how ye would deal with conflict resolution would be important.

It often is the small irritations that will cause the most problems.

Your house is going to is going to take on significant extra wear and tear and you will not charge her rent.

She will be living rent free whilst getting income from her house?

It would be fair to charge a nominal house repairs fund of several hundred a month, that is used for your houses upkeep and maintenance.

I think agreeing to have a bi annual discussion as to how things are going would be wise.

I think this is a brilliant idea, op. Just because society says it's "normal " doesn't mean it is optimal, frankly. It sounds like you've worked out a lot of the major possible hiccups, and you have a firm and longstanding friendship in place already that will mean any difficulties that arise will be dealt with fr a place of understanding and trust. It sounds fab.

Fwiw, I'm in a same sex relationship and my partner is moving in soon. Apart from the romantic element, the practical reasons for living together weigh heavily in our favour. Combining resources, especially as the economy becomes more and more rocky post brexit and the covid fallout, just makes sense. (Provided you choose your companion wisely, which it appears you have, so go for it!)

Was this a TV show in the 90s? Kate and Ally?

Sounds like a great plan. And because it’s not the ‘usual’ situation of meeting a romantic partner and moving in together it sounds like you’re considering the pros/cons/logistics even more carefully.

I’d like an update on this thread when you decide please!

Sounds like a wonderful idea. Go for it.

I've never heard the term 'Boston marriage', but your situation immediately made me think of a 1980s sitcom, 'Kate and Allie' which was exactly this. I remember thinking it looked like a good practical way to live.

@wizzywig

Was this a TV show in the 90s? Kate and Ally?

1980s into 1990s I think. Two single mothers and their teenage daughters all living together.

This was not uncommon for women of my DGM's generation. War widows or single by choice or having lost a fiance found living with a friend was a practical solution to financial and social constraints.

If you both have children and anticipate future relationships then trying it out for a year makes sense but talk through the common friction points first as you might with a potential step parent.

Yes, we are beneficiaries on each other's life insurance exactly for that reason. I would not say exactly "happy" as it is a strange way to describe jt, but I would consider it my responsibility, yes. I mean, of course, unless the father comes out of the woodwork.

Surely both fathers have a say in who looks after their DC if their mother dies? Why would you leave your money to someone who is likely not to be looking after your DCs?

Sounds like a great idea - there was an american sitcom with this premise in the 80s called Kate and Allie. As long as you have a clear agreement about how it may end, how things will be divided or run, and how you will resolve any disagreements, I think it is an amazing idea. Good luck with it, such a great idea.

This was the exact premise of a US TV series In the 1980s. It was called Kate and Allie. Jane Curtin played one of the women.

Surely both fathers have a say in who looks after their DC if their mother dies? Why would you leave your money to someone who is likely not to be looking after your DCs?
Not leaving money, but the payout on life insurance, to ensure that e.g. school and university fees continue to be paid for.
Both fathers are not involved much. In my case it is very very unlikely that he would have decided to spend the windfall money on the children anyway.

This sounds like such a good plan but only could work if both of you agree on certain things and hold values of a similar nature in integrity.
My two half siblings came together as similar aged dc aged 6-8 boy and girl and lived together until they left home well into their 20's. They are each other's best friends and nothing will ever break that relationship, they're approaching their 50's now so I think that's safe to say! So I think that part depends on how you manage it.

The bit I'd be most concerned about is the legal aspect. Especially surrounding finances. Lots of scenarios could entail one of you deciding you no longer wish to live this way. Perhaps it might be more fair for both parties if you both let your houses out and rent a neutral place.

Don't know why everyone is saying brilliant, great, ideal, perfect- can't think of anything worse myself and I say that as a single parent who also feels lonely at times.

It seems to me to have the disadvantages of a second marriage (day to day irritations, trying to blend families, different parenting styles) with no sex.

I don't think it's wrong to try- people move in with highly unsuitable men all the time and try to make it work (most second/third marriages fail) and your 'partner' seems like a great person but...if I had an amazing friendship, went on holidays, could do big events together (like Christmas) I'd keep that valuable thing and not try to change it into a living arrangement.

It is not similar to most of the communities/communes that I know of- in those people have their own living quarters usually and then shared space/shared food, so the community aspect is not shoved in their faces. Decisions are made democratically by the community. Even then it is stressful for some.

Living with one good female friend once the kids have flown the nest is not really the same at all. Most marriages would probably be ok if you didn't have the exhaustion of kids/parenting/stress/pulling apart- and many of the rocky one's I've known have gone on to improve once the child-rearing is over (or they just split up).

To me, two families with a mum heading each is too intense, or it would be for me anyway, but I do like to do things my own way as do most people these days. As a shorter term thing, it could be ok for a few year, but by teenage years I wouldn't think the teens would be into it much at all. As someone else said, if you think children like living with other non-related children, visit the step-parent board. It's bad enough with their own siblings...

I don't think it's wrong to try though, and no worse than what a lot of people do when they try again- it's just it'll be like a second marriage without the sex. Being with a woman isn't going to make everything easier IMO because the issue isn't whether you two get on, it's how do you combine two households, lifestyles, life needs, changes in circumstance and so on

I know many people who have lived in communities/communes and think people are idealising these situations as they are sick of heteronormative marriage, more than because actually, they'd really like to live with lots of other people day in day out!

Maybe the ideal would be two houses adjacent to each other à la Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter?

Given that neither of you has been a single parent for very long, I wouldn't make big decisions at this stage.

FFS.
Women move in with men all the time - often when they've only known them a few months.

Why is it suddenly "a big decision" simply because a man isn't involved? Do you think 2 adult, high powered women aren't able to make sensible decisions without some dick being on offer?

@ChargingBuck

Given that neither of you has been a single parent for very long, I wouldn't make big decisions at this stage.

FFS.
Women move in with men all the time - often when they've only known them a few months.

Why is it suddenly "a big decision" simply because a man isn't involved? Do you think 2 adult, high powered women aren't able to make sensible decisions without some dick being on offer?

The fact that some women make poor choices to rush things (and get derided on here for it) doesn’t make it less of a big decision because there’s no dick involved.

@erinaceus

Maybe the ideal would be two houses adjacent to each other à la Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter?

But doesn't solve the housing and childcare costs are crippling problem mentioned in the OP.

But doesn't solve the housing and childcare costs are crippling problem mentioned in the OP.

It would solve the childcare costs in the same way living together will.

And since the OP isn’t planning to ask a contribution to her mortgage it’ll not make a negative difference.