"Boston marriage" - any experience?

[abostonfiancee]

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

Sounds like a great idea.. I think you really need to trial it first though.

Could your friend air bnb her house for 6 months to get some income from it but also can go straight back home if it doesn't work out to save an awkward notice period.

It sounds a brilliant idea, OP. If the worst comes to the worst and either of you wants to leave, what have you lost? And if it works as it should you have all gained a much more enjoyable life.

I’d love DH and me to do this with close friends when we are older and partners are dying off, so when one of us dies the other will be still surrounded by love.

Haven't read all the comments. Sounds totally awesome. I'm on my own with 6yo, there is no father (bring it on Aibu bitches, say what you want because I won't be checking back). The one commitment I would want from anyone I did this with was that they would honour my child's relationship with their child, whatever happened. Eg, me and the friend fall out, our kids still get to be mates if they want....one mum meets the partner of their dreams, the kids still get to have the relationship they need, even tho this may mean an adjustment. Also what's your plan b if it goes tits up, financially, housing wise? Do not buy property with someone without having a Compromise Agreement drawn up before you buy, otherwise you cannot sell without their permission.

You will both me step parents, a quick glance at the step parenting board will tell you how rarely that works out.

@nancybotwinbloom

Normalise this. It sounds amazing. I just need to work out what to do with my DH

🤣🤣

Sounds perfect.go for it.I always think,reading the many threads here,how useless and also very unpleasant men are(not all,but it is def not a rarety).Your set up could be the norm and the world would look more peaceful with happier children.I wish you two all the very best.

No matter what you decide, I wouldn't make a final decision before at least one month trial run.

Sounds amazing! I've thought about this before as well! In the end my friend and I didn't need to, but it was a possibly for a while! So I'm all for it! Some friends genuinely just do get along well together. It's not for everyone. So not everyone would think it's a good idea. But only you truly know the friendship you have.

I say go for it! Good financial decision.

I think it sounds brilliant. I'd give it a 6 month trial and if by then you both decide it's not for you, then your friend could find a house nearby so as to still share some of the benefits of cohabiting, such as a nanny, without disrupting schooling.

I think it would only work with very clear boundaries around who disciplines, makes decisions etc for both sets of children. Otherwise it enters into “blended families” territory and that does become difficult.

I agree with the PP that all of the children need to have “chilling with mum” time and space.

“Let’s all hang out together” is great for a holiday but less so every single day

It looks as though you’ve looked into it from an income tax perspective. Interest rates are likely to rise and her mortgage rate may change as she has to get permission to rent the house out. There are a lot of on costs with being a ll. Rules, regs including needing to file a tax return. Will she bear those costs alone? Will she use an agent?

What happens if the tenant doesn’t pay? Or she has to take them to court? She needs to get insurance in this event. It does happen. I’m a ll and some tenants really know how to work the system and force you to the bailiff stage. As in tenant with good income and credit rating moves in then doesn’t pay a bean. It happens.

The tenant could also trash the place. Then as someone mentioned, there is the implication of CGT. As she has only this property, can she continue to claim this as her PPR even if she doesn’t live there? It does apply in certain cases. We were allowed to do it when living abroad and renting out our former home. This was several years ago and CGT rules have changed and continue to change. She needs to get proper legal advice on that too.

Then there’s her security as a number of people have mentioned. She needs a fixed term tenancy to protect her. She’s taking more risk than you as she will only be a permitted occupier and getting her tenants out can be a long and costly process.

Sounds like a perfect arrangement to me. If further down the line it is still working, I would consider a civil partnership to sort out the finances. No one even needs to know about it.

This does sound amazing.

Will you be happy to bring up her children if she dies?

And will you be happy for her to bring up your children if you die?

Or will you have other family arrangements in place for either eventuality?

So the fathers financially contribute to their children? This may be impacted if you are cohabiting with someone?

People do become very defensive when their parenting is criticised, or even when there is perceived criticism. Sleepovers and weekends away aren’t really comparable because everyone is in fun mode.

I would suggest having a conversation with your friend in a relaxed environment and bringing up 3 things that you know you differ about with regard to parenting your children.

It might be stuff like : I won’t have TV on until 5pm on the weekends and I know you are more relaxed, or, I don’t care if my children don’t eat any tea, they can still have dessert but I know your rules are different. Or even, our favourite take away is McDs on Friday and yours is pizza on a Saturday, shall one of us change nights or are all our meals going to be similar.

It’ll work if the children are content and secure and most children do like a consistent routine

This sounds amazing really. Hope it goes well op.

i just think one of you will meet a man,
and the whole housing situation goes to pot

who gets the master bedroom?

you will need a lot of bedrooms?
will all children have their own rooms?

Love this plan! More women should do this.
Good thinking op and I wish you all the best.

people often fall out with job shares
and a house share i would imagine the same thing would happen
shame if your friendship was ruined
but seems a good plan

This is absolutely bloody amazing!
When I was younger, with small children and unhappy in my marriage, I used to think this would be a dream situation. Entirely non-sexual partnership with a best friend, sharing costs and families etc. I'd never heard of anyone considering it and had never heard the term 'Boston marriage' so assumed it was never an option. Wish I'd had a really good friend to do this with, as I'd have gone for it like a shot (and probably been so much happier).
Good luck to you!

I think it's one if these ideas that sounds nice, but could easily go wrong

If you do go ahead, I wouldn't mix finances. She should pay you a fair / going market rent, and you should have no involvement in renting out her house

Though I agree with the comment above regarding terminology. I’ve always understood ‘Boston marriage’ to indicate a closeted lesbian relationship. So it might be a needlessly complicated way to refer to yourselves in contemporary culture.

I’d imagine your children will find themselves having to explain their respective parents’ relationship status every single day - but it’s a small price to pay for what sounds like a beautifully well considered plan.

Sounds perfect. I say go for it!

@nancybotwinbloom

Normalise this. It sounds amazing. I just need to work out what to do with my DH

This.

It’s interesting that a lot of the concerns and questions that are being raised wouldn’t be asked of a couple moving in together after 20 years - e.g. what happens if you fall out/one of you meets someone else, etc.

You sound very sensible and open minded so I’m sure any problems that come up, you and your friend will deal with. Go for it! (And PLEASE, keep us updated).