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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is in a sulk AIBU

121 replies

jumblesail · 20/11/2021 16:26

We are in the supermarket with both DCs, grabbing something for tea on the way back from an outing. DC1 starts squirming and fidgeting, they need the loo. They're autistic and start trying to pull their trousers down. So I take them to the loo. While I'm in the loo DH can't get the shopping himself with our other DC because he doesn't know what to buy. He can't remember lots of things in one go, so I can't tell him what to buy. I text him what to get from the loo. He's forgotten his phone. I get out of loo with DC and just whizz around grabbing what we need. Just one more thing to get, DC1 still hopping and fidgeting. So I ask DH to get the item with DC2 while I take DC1 back to car and calm them down.

I get DC1 into car and we are calm. DH comes out, insists I get out of the car again and help him get the other child into the car and put the shopping away. I mention I frequently take kids to shops alone and manage to get them and the shopping in the car by myself. He is very annoyed with me for not wanting to help. I did help. But he didn't like me mentioning that I frequently do it unaided.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 20/11/2021 16:28

I can see he might feel a bit miffed, because he knows you're right and is defensive about it. But a sulk should always be ignored.

LoveComesQuickly · 20/11/2021 16:28

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable here. He's being unreasonable to insist you get out and help. But why weren't you helping? Did DC1 really need you to stay in the car with them? It would seem natural to me for you to jump out and help?

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/11/2021 16:29

Your DH sounds pretty useless. Would it not be easier to leave him at home with the DC next time and you shop alone, or is he not capable of looking after them without you also being present?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 20/11/2021 16:29

It upsets people when they finally realise how incompetent they are.

He’ll probably need a long rest to get over the shock.

canyon2000 · 20/11/2021 16:29

He's annoyed with you??!! Yadnbu!!

Original poster
jumblesail · 20/11/2021 16:30

@LoveComesQuickly

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable here. He's being unreasonable to insist you get out and help. But why weren't you helping? Did DC1 really need you to stay in the car with them? It would seem natural to me for you to jump out and help?
DC1 is autistic. Did you see that? They are very easily made anxious and upset.
OP posts:
LoveComesQuickly · 20/11/2021 16:31

Yes I did see that. That's why I asked if they needed you to stay in the car with them?

Original poster
jumblesail · 20/11/2021 16:31

@LoveComesQuickly

Yes I did see that. That's why I asked if they needed you to stay in the car with them?
Yes, ideally I would. Because me getting out again would confuse them. Did confuse them.
OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 20/11/2021 16:35

No need to sulk, of course. But practical tasks that one does frequently do become a lot easier and quicker, so I can well imagine that for your DH it all seemed more complicated than it would for you.

Plus some people (like my DH) just don't really think ahead, so find task planning difficult. (He's great at DIY but painstakingly slow and can't be rushed, for instance)

Original poster
jumblesail · 20/11/2021 16:37

@Onelifeonly

No need to sulk, of course. But practical tasks that one does frequently do become a lot easier and quicker, so I can well imagine that for your DH it all seemed more complicated than it would for you.

Plus some people (like my DH) just don't really think ahead, so find task planning difficult. (He's great at DIY but painstakingly slow and can't be rushed, for instance)

Yeah, and as a new mum I found this shit really hard too, but I had a baby and an autistic toddler and we needed to eat, so I learned pretty quick.
OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2021 16:41

What did he do before he met you? Did the shopping fairy decide what he was going to eat each week and fill the trolley as he wandered around? Did he starve?

I’m sure my post isn’t very helpful but I really wonder how in earth you can bring yourself to feel attraction for a grown man who claims he can’t remember lots of things at once and doesn’t know how to go shopping for groceries. Because he can remember and he knows perfectly well, it just suits him to pretend to be stupid and incompetent so you —do it all— help him.

tallduckandhandsome · 20/11/2021 16:44

YANBU, is it possible he resented doing it alone because he sees it as your job?

I think the answer is to send him shopping with DC alone so he can get the hang of it.

TotallySuper · 20/11/2021 16:46

Omg he sounds hopeless. You have 3 children. In future 3 of you stay in the car and one goes shopping. Make it him for being such a useless twat.

RogueV · 20/11/2021 16:47

YANBU

Looks like you have 3 children not 2

girlmom21 · 20/11/2021 16:47

I knew you weren't unreasonable when I saw your subject title.

He's annoying and sulking is so unnecessary.

Why couldn't he have taken DC1 to the toilet?

Or a more obvious solution - next time he stays home with the kids and you do the shopping, or he goes with a handwritten list?

Tal45 · 20/11/2021 16:47

But just because you can manage something and have had lots of experience/practice doesn't mean he can. Why would you point out that you can do it alone except to make him feel bad that he can't? You say he can't remember lots of things in one go and I immediately thought he probably has ASD too, not being able to remember several instructions is typical - does he have ASD? It could explain why he was overwhelmed by the situation.

I also don't understand why you took DS1 off to the car if it's so easy for you to take both of them shopping normally? DH helped you by getting the item and finishing off the shopping so you could take DS1 back to the car but then you wouldn't help him because 'you frequently do it all on your own'.

So yes YABVU, you seem to enjoy lording your parenting skills over your DH, but if he is sulking rather than talking the issue through then he is BU too.

TotallySuper · 20/11/2021 16:48

@Tal45

But just because you can manage something and have had lots of experience/practice doesn't mean he can. Why would you point out that you can do it alone except to make him feel bad that he can't? You say he can't remember lots of things in one go and I immediately thought he probably has ASD too, not being able to remember several instructions is typical - does he have ASD? It could explain why he was overwhelmed by the situation.

I also don't understand why you took DS1 off to the car if it's so easy for you to take both of them shopping normally? DH helped you by getting the item and finishing off the shopping so you could take DS1 back to the car but then you wouldn't help him because 'you frequently do it all on your own'.

So yes YABVU, you seem to enjoy lording your parenting skills over your DH, but if he is sulking rather than talking the issue through then he is BU too.

But why does he need help to upload a small bit of shopping and put 1 NT child in a car? YABU
BornIn78 · 20/11/2021 16:48

YANBU

How can you be in any way attracted to someone so fucking useless? And a sulker aswell, ugh.

He can’t remember lots things in one go, he can’t independently grab a few things that he could rustle up into a meal, he can’t cope with putting a child and some shopping into a car.

How does he actually manage to function in day to day life? You can’t ever leave him, he’d die of starvation the poor love Hmm

whitehorsesdonotlie · 20/11/2021 16:49

DH can't remember lots of things in one go, so I can't tell him what to buy

Bloody hell. You have 3 dc.

Comtesse · 20/11/2021 16:50

Ahhh the poor lamb with his hurt feelings….. yanbu, he is being feeble.

ikeepseeingit · 20/11/2021 16:51

I think the main problem is that he didn't ask politely. He just assumed that you 'should be doing that, and I think you took that as meaning that you thought he meant you 'should' because you're the mum. Is it possible that he thought you should help him because that's the nice thing to do? If it were the other way around would he be likely to offer his help?

It sounds like you have deeper resentment on your part that he finds it difficult, which makes everything more hard work for you because you do it all. I imagine the sulking is because he knows deep down that you're right, but he's wrestling with himself the shame of having to admit that. Or, at least, that's the optimistic view.

Tee20x · 20/11/2021 16:51

Does he not live in the house too - doesn't he know what things you normally buy & what you've run out of. Shopping shouldn't need this much of a handhold.

Agree with the PP who mentioned possibility of ASD himself?

Bobsyer · 20/11/2021 16:53

How many of you on this thread have completely pathetic partners that can’t deal with getting the shopping and a child into the car?

Fucking hell.

muldersspeedos · 20/11/2021 16:53

Goodness, I often wonder how some men manage to hold down a job if they can't shop for dinner with one child. Even if it was a weekly shop ffs what an incompetent nitwit.

billy1966 · 20/11/2021 16:54

@RogueV

YANBU

Looks like you have 3 children not 2

This.

Sounds like you have your hands full.

He clearly needs more practice.🙄