DH is in a sulk AIBU

[jumblesail]

We are in the supermarket with both DCs, grabbing something for tea on the way back from an outing. DC1 starts squirming and fidgeting, they need the loo. They're autistic and start trying to pull their trousers down. So I take them to the loo. While I'm in the loo DH can't get the shopping himself with our other DC because he doesn't know what to buy. He can't remember lots of things in one go, so I can't tell him what to buy. I text him what to get from the loo. He's forgotten his phone. I get out of loo with DC and just whizz around grabbing what we need. Just one more thing to get, DC1 still hopping and fidgeting. So I ask DH to get the item with DC2 while I take DC1 back to car and calm them down.

I get DC1 into car and we are calm. DH comes out, insists I get out of the car again and help him get the other child into the car and put the shopping away. I mention I frequently take kids to shops alone and manage to get them and the shopping in the car by myself. He is very annoyed with me for not wanting to help. I did help. But he didn't like me mentioning that I frequently do it unaided.

AIBU?

You’re making him sound even worse now with the drinking.
The audacity of him.

If he wasn't so useless he wouldn't feel bad. This is his fault not yours.

@jumblesail

FWIW I get the shopping alone 95% of the time. I have to take beta blockers to get around the shop because I have severe anxiety as a result of my ASD and supermarkets are hellscapes for a lot of autistic people. But I fucking do it because we need milk, bread, chicken breasts etc. Usually twice a week after I have dropped DC1 at school and as and when for top ups. I have to do it anyway because DH can't drive and works whereas I am the unpaid carer/child wrangler.

We were literally passing the shop and needed a few bits.

Ok I fucked up. On one of the 200 or so occasions I have been to the supermarket this year I didn't adequately provision for the weekend. So shoot me.

So him making you get out of the car the rare time it’s both of you are shopping is even more shit.

Does he any positive traits? He sounds horrible.

There are lots of tasks that people manage alone, but when there are two people it is nicer to help together to get things done quicker. So I do think YABU.

@Landof

There are lots of tasks that people manage alone, but when there are two people it is nicer to help together to get things done quicker. So I do think YABU.

So when does OP get help? Or is she just expected to cope?

Wow.

You are not selling him here.

I read these threads and know I could never be with someone like that. I honestly think it’s why I’m single - which when I read this stuff I remember isn’t actually a bad thing despite societal expectations.

There was someone the other day who heard the alarm go off to pick up the kid from school but chose not to even though she was unwell upstairs. He just left his child there because his wife didn’t tell him to collect him after he heard the pick up reminder.

And she was still with him.

Well DH should have gone into the shop alone whilst you stayed in the car with the DC. He sounds hopeless.

Also, given that you find shopping so difficult due to anxiety, why don't you have it delivered?

You didn’t fuck up.

He did.

Forgets his phone
Has no idea how to do a family shop
Incapable of helping his Autistic DC
Incapable of loading shopping into the car with his NT DC

He’s sulking due to the realisation that he is actually fucking useless!

WHY SHOULD OP GO IN AND GET THE SHOPPING ALONE?

Because the shopping doesn’t take 2 adults and 2 DCs (or in this case 3 DCs).
It would be easier if one parent did the shopping and the other one looked after the DCs.

OP a relationship is meant to be a partnership where things are shared equally between both adults.
It sounds like he is your third child.
What does your DH actually do?

OP, there's no point in anyone telling you that you should or shouldn't have done X, Y or Z. That's not the point. The point is that sulking is a complete pain in the arse, and sulkers need to be completely ignored, whatever their reason for their sulk.

If something is the matter, say so and get it out in the open. Once it's said and dealt with, move on.

XH was a sulker. He was also a twat in myriad other way.

@Hankunamatata

Dh asks you to get out of the car, not sure why you wouldn't 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps because he's also an adult and a parent and has to learn to cope and deal with stuff by himself (i.e. adulting).

@Fleetheart I wondered that too. I cannot cope with supermarkets. Even if I go with a list the lights, noise and people impede any rational thought. We online shop and in the rare times we do need to go to the physical supermarket, my husband is happy to go.

There's a difference beteween doing something you've planned and thought through and trying to remember other people's instructions. If you left him to get on with it he'd be perfectly capable. Men aren't idiots. They run businesses, hold down jobs, set up homes, raise kids. It;s only when women have a plan in their heads about exactly what should happen and give men limited instructions along with sneering "you're incompetant" remarks that they do badly.

And sulking is such a childish word. He's pissed off - as are you - because the day ended with a spat in the car park. You're on MN telling us about it, he's dealing with it his way.

He’s probably “sulking” because he asked for your help and you retorted that you usually do it without any help - lots of meaning/accusation in a comment like that for instance (1) he’s not capable like you (2) he’s not supportive that you’re being left to do it alone (3) you’re blaming him somehow (4) he’s asked for help and you’re saying all of the above instead of just being helpful.

It’s not about who is in the right but I can see how he would be quiet after that and I can see that some relationship repair is required to move forward - rather than being on AIBU I would open up and chat to him and try to see exactly what bothered him - you never know you might learn something new about him or how he is feeling.

Start with “hey I’m sorry if you felt like I snapped at you earlier, I wasn’t thinking straight after all the rush”

You are not being unreasonable.

It amazes me that men who have children seem to not be able to manage simple tasks with their children. It’s unacceptable.

It’s always women who take on everything and the father gets off easy not having to do anything. He’s easily overwhelmed because he doesn’t ever have to go out and do the shopping with his children.

Whenever fathers do the basic bare minimum he’s “an amazing father”. Give me a break .

This is totally unacceptable that a man can’t manage his children and manage to do the food shopping at the same time. Women do it all the time, but somehow we are supposed to sympathize with him. And the children are autistic but somehow OP manages.

Also, please just get your shopping delivered, or have one of you go out to get it with a written list - that sounds really stressful!

@Fleetheart

Do you think he may have autistic traits also? my ex was like this he got overwhelmed and also stroppy. (he also used to drink although he doesn’t now). both our children are neurodiverse and actually i now realise he is too….

Second this - was the case with my ex too.

Why take children shopping?

Why is everyone beating up the OP? She isn't the one who is too pathetic to manage his own children or understand how to use a supermarket! Somehow I suspect the OP is the only adult in 5he household, and runs everything while her sad sack of a DH plays with his man-toys and "cant manage difficult things".

OP, in future get a takeaway delivered in situationslike this. Don't drag your DH and kids round the supermarket after a full day out - it just makes everything ten times harder for you.

I was going to say, send DH to the supermarket with a list, but then saw he doesn't drive of course he doesnt so you'd have to take him. Can you just get online delivery set up?

I was going to suggest that he might be autistic seeing as there is some genetic tendency...

but I see you are too.

my ex is like this too. bloody annoying.

I bet your husband can remember what he needs to do and get for work. Just not from the shops. Because that's a woman's job. Nice husband you've got

How does he manage at work OP ?

I suppose, you have to get to the point where you come to terms with what you can not do as a family. (three of us are autistic, ex probably is too but does not have a diagnosis except autistic tendencies from an evaluation that was not specifically for autism so not a proper diagnosis. )

A balance between not attempting things and knowing when stuff is too much. 15 years on and we still do not always get it right.