DH is in a sulk AIBU

[jumblesail]

We are in the supermarket with both DCs, grabbing something for tea on the way back from an outing. DC1 starts squirming and fidgeting, they need the loo. They're autistic and start trying to pull their trousers down. So I take them to the loo. While I'm in the loo DH can't get the shopping himself with our other DC because he doesn't know what to buy. He can't remember lots of things in one go, so I can't tell him what to buy. I text him what to get from the loo. He's forgotten his phone. I get out of loo with DC and just whizz around grabbing what we need. Just one more thing to get, DC1 still hopping and fidgeting. So I ask DH to get the item with DC2 while I take DC1 back to car and calm them down.

I get DC1 into car and we are calm. DH comes out, insists I get out of the car again and help him get the other child into the car and put the shopping away. I mention I frequently take kids to shops alone and manage to get them and the shopping in the car by myself. He is very annoyed with me for not wanting to help. I did help. But he didn't like me mentioning that I frequently do it unaided.

AIBU?

@jumblesail

FWIW I get the shopping alone 95% of the time. I have to take beta blockers to get around the shop because I have severe anxiety as a result of my ASD and supermarkets are hellscapes for a lot of autistic people. But I fucking do it because we need milk, bread, chicken breasts etc. Usually twice a week after I have dropped DC1 at school and as and when for top ups. I have to do it anyway because DH can't drive and works whereas I am the unpaid carer/child wrangler.

We were literally passing the shop and needed a few bits.

Ok I fucked up. On one of the 200 or so occasions I have been to the supermarket this year I didn't adequately provision for the weekend. So shoot me.

Would it make your life easier to have it delivered?

He sounds a bit useless doesn't he? Can't cope with putting shopping in a car, can't even drive a bloody car and spent his child's early years boozing himself up. Ugh. Any redeeming features?

@WonderfulYou

WHY SHOULD OP GO IN AND GET THE SHOPPING ALONE?

Because the shopping doesn’t take 2 adults and 2 DCs (or in this case 3 DCs).
It would be easier if one parent did the shopping and the other one looked after the DCs.

OP a relationship is meant to be a partnership where things are shared equally between both adults.
It sounds like he is your third child.
What does your DH actually do?

My point is if someone has to go alone, why does everyone assume and suggest it has to be OP?

Nice cherry picking.

Wouldn't it be less stressful for everyone if he looked after them in the car while you shopped? Why make life harder than it needs to be? Split difficult stuff down into more manageable 'bits' & share the load .

He is a total dick and a useless one at that. I would have left him in the car with the dc though while i got the shopping in peace, as it all sounds very stressful.

Your DH sounds like my BIL. Can’t remember a list of things and can’t keep phone on, hard to manage kids on own etc he got diagnosed as mild/medium autistic as an adult only a few years back. Not sure the age of your DC but the condition was quite easily missed 30+ years ago. As it runs in families it may be something to look into. He presents as what might otherwise be described as ‘just being a bit of a useless bloke’ if you’ll excuse the sexism but really that is part of the condition. Also, needs to know all about something but quickly loses interest then can’t remember much of the detail.

Sounds like he needs lots more practice at looking after the DCs by himself. Time to take up a nice hobby I say.

How old is your DH? By 12 or 13 he’ll hopefully be able to be a bit more independent and develop some critical thinking.

@jumblesail AIBU is full of useless twat apologists, this would be better in relationships where posters are more likely to offer advice rather than criticism

"He’s probably “sulking” because he asked for your help and you retorted that you usually do it without any help - lots of meaning/accusation in a comment like that for instance (1) he’s not capable like you (2) he’s not supportive that you’re being left to do it alone (3) you’re blaming him somehow (4) he’s asked for help and you’re saying all of the above instead of just being helpful.

It’s not about who is in the right but I can see how he would be quiet after that and I can see that some relationship repair is required to move forward - rather than being on AIBU I would open up and chat to him and try to see exactly what bothered him - you never know you might learn something new about him or how he is feeling."

Good advice. Not sure why you posted anyway. This is hardly an earth-shattering event and it just brings out all those posters eager to tell you your DH is useless. Guess they would have contacted a solicitor by now if it was a weekday.

Just read your other comment where you say you are also ASD so sorry if that came across patronising.

@jumblesail

FWIW I get the shopping alone 95% of the time. I have to take beta blockers to get around the shop because I have severe anxiety as a result of my ASD and supermarkets are hellscapes for a lot of autistic people. But I fucking do it because we need milk, bread, chicken breasts etc. Usually twice a week after I have dropped DC1 at school and as and when for top ups. I have to do it anyway because DH can't drive and works whereas I am the unpaid carer/child wrangler.

We were literally passing the shop and needed a few bits.

Ok I fucked up. On one of the 200 or so occasions I have been to the supermarket this year I didn't adequately provision for the weekend. So shoot me.

Like all others have said, he's been an arse.

It's also very hard to understand why you are taking medication to go to the shops 2 times a week and often more. It can be a little more expensive, but if you're in the shops twice a week you're almost guaranteed to net off a saving if you can swap to a meal plan and a once a week shop. And the value to your sanity and your whole family's sense of calm from avoiding major stressor and also knowing the weekly plan is huge also.

If planning is an executive function challenge, there are lots of good plans online. You could also come.to MN or similar.and post your family's tolerated meals and I'm sure that some organised souls would be thrilled to help pull it together.

My point is if someone has to go alone, why does everyone assume and suggest it has to be OP?

Nice cherry picking.

I actually said in my first post they should take in turns going/staying with the DCs.

Other posters are probably saying for her to go as not only does it sound like she could use a break away from her DCs and him parent them but she said her DH forgets things so she’d end up either going without or having to do it herself probably.

I actually can’t remember what I need to get when I go shopping either but that’s why I write it down and take the list with me either on paper or on my phone - like probably 80% of the population does.

I'm very on top of our family shopping @OverTheRubicon but I have been unwell this week and, because all the mental load of planning and executing meals falls to me, things slid a bit.

I do have to go to the shop more than once, because bananas, for example, go brown within 3-4 days in our house. Or DS needs new plimsolls for school because his heels has split. Or we drink more milk than usual.

I didn't appreciate the patronising tone of your post. I am aware that online shopping exists. I am aware that some people get by only having one weekly shop. I just find that, in practical terms, this utopia simply doesn't exist for my family.

And don't suggest online shopping because every week I have 5-6 subs and they're usually safe foods that my kid can't be without. So then I have to go to the shop anyway.

Very harsh words directed at a man because he simply innocently asked his wife for a little bit of help while he had his hands full.

Pathetic, incompetent, manchild, fucking useless, an arse, a total dick, horrible.

I suppose if it makes you feel better about yourselves....

Strategic incompetence. Dislikes having to do the ‘wife work’. I’d put money on him not behaving like this at work.

Is your husband maybe also autistic himself? His behaviour sounds like that could be a possibility.

@Snoozer11

Very harsh words directed at a man because he simply innocently asked his wife for a little bit of help while he had his hands full.

Pathetic, incompetent, manchild, fucking useless, an arse, a total dick, horrible.

I suppose if it makes you feel better about yourselves....

Poor bloke, unable to look after one child, unable to remember one thing about what his family/he normally would like to eat for dinner/unable to strap a child into a car seat without his wife's help/unable to load groceries into a car without his wife's help/unable to remember anything regarding family life.

Does he hold down a job OP?

Perhaps OP should wipe his arse for him too, sounds like he probably has trouble remembering where his backside is as well.

Regardless of how useless your husband is or isn't, perhaps he's just waiting for you to calm down. People are trying to offer you practical suggestions and they are just being met with sarcasm.