DH is in a sulk AIBU

[jumblesail]

We are in the supermarket with both DCs, grabbing something for tea on the way back from an outing. DC1 starts squirming and fidgeting, they need the loo. They're autistic and start trying to pull their trousers down. So I take them to the loo. While I'm in the loo DH can't get the shopping himself with our other DC because he doesn't know what to buy. He can't remember lots of things in one go, so I can't tell him what to buy. I text him what to get from the loo. He's forgotten his phone. I get out of loo with DC and just whizz around grabbing what we need. Just one more thing to get, DC1 still hopping and fidgeting. So I ask DH to get the item with DC2 while I take DC1 back to car and calm them down.

I get DC1 into car and we are calm. DH comes out, insists I get out of the car again and help him get the other child into the car and put the shopping away. I mention I frequently take kids to shops alone and manage to get them and the shopping in the car by myself. He is very annoyed with me for not wanting to help. I did help. But he didn't like me mentioning that I frequently do it unaided.

AIBU?

Dh asks you to get out of the car, not sure why you wouldn't 🤷‍♀️

So he had two things to do:

1. put the shopping away,
2. Get DC2 into the car.

You were sat in the passenger seat doing nothing. Your other child was calm.

He asks for your help with one of the tasks. You berate him and tell him you often do both when you're alone.

And now you're wondering why he isn't happy?

Surely it would have been easier you just give him a hand?

I have no time for this crap

It’s incredibly hard dealing with ASD in little ways that you just don’t realise until you’re dealing with it

My son was scared of lights beeping sounds people, strange food and I used to have no choice but to take him anyway because my husband was always away.

He also still has really bad separation anxiety and he’s 9. As a toddler it was way worse. I couldn’t have got out of the car either.

This manchild does live with you and will know all this. Family shopping trips should be banned and he should look after them himself

@jumblesail me too. I'm a single parent and e writhing is up to me to do ASD or not. ASD is often seen on here as an excuse for men to be nasty bastards or useless bastards and it makes me angry that their behaviour is excused while women with ASD just crack on with everything.

@HPmagic

Why did you not just go into the shop alone and grab things whilst they waited in the car, all that hassle over nothing.

This is what i do, not sure what it is about supermarkets but going in together always makes me and DH tetchy… he wanders off looking for one thing with the trolley and I spend 5 minutes searching all round the shop with arms full of shopping. Much more peaceful doing it alone

@AuntEater

Next time, leave him in the car with the two children while you nip round and do the shopping.

This.

I mean, regardless of the rights and wrongs of today's situation, why didn't one of you go in alone? That's what most people had to do in lockdown and it's actually a far more efficient way of shopping. Families traipsing round supermarkets together just adds unnecessary "clutter" to the aisles.

Leaving the phone at home would have pissed me off let alone the rest.
Why can’t he remember more then one thing at a time?
Why can’t he put the bags in the car and manage a child by himself?

And now he’s sulking?
Nah, fuck that. YANBU.

@AuntEater

Next time, leave him in the car with the two children while you nip round and do the shopping.

Or leave them at home... safer and more comfortable for everyone

Manchild

If you know DH struggles with remembering things, would it not have made sense for you to do the shopping while DH took DC1 to the toilet and then out to the car at the end?

Of course he should be able to manage a food shop alone but sometimes it makes more sense to play to people's strengths than it does to get someone to do something they struggle with just to prove a point.

WHY SHOULD OP GO IN AND GET THE SHOPPING ALONE?

I’ve seen a few “one of you should” and “you should” but not “he should”.

Why is everything here OP’s responsibility to anticipate and resolve in advance?

If her husband might be autistic why isn’t it his responsibility to recognise that and do something about it? If he struggles with remembering non-written lists, why isn’t it his responsibility to say “I’ll take child to the loo, you do the shopping?” If just one adult going and the rest staying in the car would be better, why isn’t it his responsibility to see that and suggest it?

The amount of apologising for the crapness of useless husbands on here is astonishing,

Why didn’t he take tour child to the toilet while you finished the shopping.
He sounds utterly incompetent!

@phishy

He sounds like my twat exH. I would work all day, then do a big shop in the evening. We lived on the third floor flat with no lift. I used to text him to come down and help me with the heavy bags. 90% id the time he said no.

But in this situation, the husband was the one who asked for a hand and the OP was the one who said no.

@Airyfairymarybeary

Why didn’t he take tour child to the toilet while you finished the shopping. He sounds utterly incompetent!

Perhaps the child is female?

WHY SHOULD OP GO IN AND GET THE SHOPPING ALONE?

She shouldn't HAVE to, but sometimes it makes more sense to play to your strengths than it does to cause stress to the whole family while trying to prove a point.

In the long term, OP should absolutely look at her DH's uselessness, but short-term the aim was to get food and get home ASAP. Why make that task any harder than it has to be when you're all tired and hungry after a day out?

Maybe he could try a shopping list ? You know like everyone else ?

He can't remember lots of things in one go, so I can't tell him what to buy

He could not manage to 'grab something for dinner'? It's really not rocket science, unless you had told him that you definitely want to cook this one dish and he could not possibly know what goes in it. How did he manage his food shop before you took over?

Why does food shopping have to be a family affair when you have two fully functioning adults? Either leave them in the car and whizz round solo (much quicker) or leave them at home!

@Bobsyer

How many of you on this thread have completely pathetic partners that can’t deal with getting the shopping and a child into the car?

Fucking hell.

Just quoting this because you took the words out of my mouth. I read these threads about completely useless/pathetic partners and wonder how these women put up with it. Why is an adult sulking? I would be so turned off if my husband sulked like a child instead of using his adult words to talk to me.

OP, your husband is something else. What would he do if something happened to you? He needs to be able to manage his children while doing other tasks, just like any other parent does. He's not "helping" or doing you any "favors" by food shopping. He's doing his job as a parent. Tell him to see a doctor for his bad memory and learn how to be an adult and a parent. Also tell him to stop the sulking.

@Airyfairymarybeary

Why didn’t he take tour child to the toilet while you finished the shopping. He sounds utterly incompetent!

DC1 is attached to me, has severe separation anxiety. Mostly because when they were a baby/toddler DH spent more time drinking than with them. DC2 is fine with either of us because he quit the booze soon after they were born. DC2 is also not severely autistic.

@blueluce85

Why does food shopping have to be a family affair when you have two fully functioning adults? Either leave them in the car and whizz round solo (much quicker) or leave them at home!

We were passing on our way home.

Why does food shopping have to be a family affair when you have two fully functioning adults?

But can a person who can't figure out food shopping and needs the wife to tell him what to buy actually be described as a fully functioning adult?

So he cant take DC1 to the toilet, he doesnt know what you need from the shop, he doesnt realise that DC1 will get upset if you leave the car, and he cant put shopping and DC2 in the car alone.

How on earth does he cope with life/driving/holding down a job? Seems ruddy useless

FWIW I get the shopping alone 95% of the time. I have to take beta blockers to get around the shop because I have severe anxiety as a result of my ASD and supermarkets are hellscapes for a lot of autistic people. But I fucking do it because we need milk, bread, chicken breasts etc. Usually twice a week after I have dropped DC1 at school and as and when for top ups. I have to do it anyway because DH can't drive and works whereas I am the unpaid carer/child wrangler.

We were literally passing the shop and needed a few bits.

Ok I fucked up. On one of the 200 or so occasions I have been to the supermarket this year I didn't adequately provision for the weekend. So shoot me.

Do you think he may have autistic traits also? my ex was like this he got overwhelmed and also stroppy. (he also used to drink although he doesn’t now). both our children are neurodiverse and actually i now realise he is too….