DH is in a sulk AIBU

[jumblesail]

We are in the supermarket with both DCs, grabbing something for tea on the way back from an outing. DC1 starts squirming and fidgeting, they need the loo. They're autistic and start trying to pull their trousers down. So I take them to the loo. While I'm in the loo DH can't get the shopping himself with our other DC because he doesn't know what to buy. He can't remember lots of things in one go, so I can't tell him what to buy. I text him what to get from the loo. He's forgotten his phone. I get out of loo with DC and just whizz around grabbing what we need. Just one more thing to get, DC1 still hopping and fidgeting. So I ask DH to get the item with DC2 while I take DC1 back to car and calm them down.

I get DC1 into car and we are calm. DH comes out, insists I get out of the car again and help him get the other child into the car and put the shopping away. I mention I frequently take kids to shops alone and manage to get them and the shopping in the car by myself. He is very annoyed with me for not wanting to help. I did help. But he didn't like me mentioning that I frequently do it unaided.

AIBU?

Unless your DH has diagnosed ADHD then he’s being and idiot

Of course an NT adult can remember lists of things, and put the shopping in the car with a child alongside

He’s just being as helpless as possible

And as a pp says, can he never remember more than one thing at work?

@Tee20x

Does he not live in the house too - doesn't he know what things you normally buy & what you've run out of. Shopping shouldn't need this much of a handhold.

Agree with the PP who mentioned possibility of ASD himself?

He's a grown man with two children and a wife. Would ASD really excuse his stropping?

@Onelifeonly

No need to sulk, of course. But practical tasks that one does frequently do become a lot easier and quicker, so I can well imagine that for your DH it all seemed more complicated than it would for you.

Plus some people (like my DH) just don't really think ahead, so find task planning difficult. (He's great at DIY but painstakingly slow and can't be rushed, for instance)

Well clearly the h in question needs more practice, a lot more practice of shopping on his own then.

I can’t get over how utterly pathetic so many husbands appear to be on here.

If he was on his own would he starve to death because he has no idea what to get for dinner?

You could have helped him get the shopping in but he’s being ridiculous.

Honestly in future just go separately.
He can stay home with the DCs whilst you go stress-free shopping and then next time we can do the shopping and take a shopping list whilst you stay home.

How do mums with ASD cope with shopping and 2+ children? Oh yes, we just get on with it.

YWBU not to have married a grown up with a brain.

The comments that OP should not point out she regularly shops with two DC in tow and manages, because of hurt her husbands feelings.

Are ridiculous.

I would point it out every bloody time.

I bet OP can’t go shopping without the DC because poor husband can’t cope with two kids on his own.

He needs to take over the shopping from now on. I mean how embarrassed is he that he not only has no idea what his family eats, but he can't get it from a trolley into a car on his own?

And don't write him a list. Let him write it.

Why did you not just go into the shop alone and grab things whilst they waited in the car, all that hassle over nothing.

DH can't remember lots of things in one go, so I can't tell him what to buy

How does he cope at work?

Yup, you have 3 children, not 2. An actual adult would be embarrassed to ask for help under those circumstances, your husband sulks because mummy doesn't do everything. Why are you putting up with this useless twat?

Yanbu. My dh does this all the time when he is completing a task. Everything is a drama. When cooking a meal for example there is lots of ‘can you just….?’. I usually bite my tongue but it does infuriate me, particularly given I cook the vast majority of our meals and can make a weeks worth at once plus extra to freeze when batch cooking, or throw something quick together when I’m getting ready for work in the morning so they don’t starve if I’m due back late.

That being said, dh could manage to find his way around a shop to grab something quick for dinner. It’s not like you were expecting a weekly shop. Plus you had already done more than your share. He seems resentful that he was expected to actually pull his weight, and the sulking would be the last straw for me.

He sounds like my twat exH. I would work all day, then do a big shop in the evening. We lived on the third floor flat with no lift. I used to text him to come down and help me with the heavy bags. 90% id the time he said no.

Well, obviously the way you've framed it here, your husband is being unreasonable and you aren't. However I do wonder about this bit:

"I mention I frequently take kids to shops alone and manage to get them and the shopping in the car by myself."

You make it sound like you just neutrally say this in passing, but having been involved in plenty of these kinds of marital disputes myself, I'd guess you didn't just 'mention' that you usually do all this stuff yourself with no problems whatsoever, and it sounds like the mood was already pretty tense, so I can see why he was defensive and is now 'in a sulk'.

Does he have ASD himself?

Also - my kids are older now, but in my family we learned quite early on that when we're on the way back from an outing, with everyone slightly tired and frazzled, if we need to stop at a supermarket, one parent would go in to grab stuff for tea and the other would sit in the car with the kids. If we all went in, we'd end up nearly getting divorced every single time.

Sounds like online shopping, if available, would be a good idea.

Oh dear OP shouldn’t mention in whatever tone of voice she regularly does the shop with two kids and manages it and load everyone and everything in the car.

Why wouldn’t the OP mention it? The H has been useless. What did he do whilst OP was taking DC to the toilet? Why didn’t he take DC to the toilet if he’s too dumb to remember what food they normally eat?

Why didn’t the H take the kids back to the car and tell OP he would wait in the car whilst she finished the shop?

Why was OP expected to do everything?

If you were only getting ingredients for one meal he didn't even have to remember "lots of things in one go" he just had to know the basic ingredients of ONE meal! Do you really have to stand there going - so we are making lasagne so need Mince, tomatoes, cheese and pasta sheets (or whatever)? Fuck me that's pathetic.

@girlmom21 not the stropping per say, but may give more context as to why he's finding it so difficult to do the shop.

Is he just a useless man child who is incapable of doing basic tasks - or does he genuinely have difficulties with these types of tasks resulting in him becoming overwhelmed.

I'm no expert in relation to ASD but I gather that it can be genetic? So if they have a child with ASD, perhaps he may be undiagnosed and be on the spectrum himself.

Next time, leave him in the car with the two children while you nip round and do the shopping.

Assume it’s your husband’s genetics that have passed down the ASD, and plan all activities accordingly. He does his full share to his abilities. Sulking not tolerated whatever one’s shortcomings, strengths or weaknesses.

He sounds like a bit of a waste of space and has just realised this himself, which is what he’s actually upset about. Plus you pointed it out to him (entirely justifiably, IMO), so he’ll be sulky about you realising it too. Next time (if there is one) would it make sense for him to take DC 1 to the toilet and turn out to the car, leaving you to whizz round the shop with DC2?

@muldersspeedos

How do mums with ASD cope with shopping and 2+ children? Oh yes, we just get on with it.

Yep, that's me. The ASD and the shopping.