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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday disparity...

108 replies

thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 22:27

Been together with someone for 10 months. Oct is my birthday - I wasn't expecting much as I know he doesn't really do birthdays. So tiny bit disappointed with the generic present and card but wasn't really expecting more.

Fast forward to his birthday and I bought some gifts which were mostly personal to him/his hobbies, made his favourite cake and paid for a night out with a meal and cocktails. Did it entirely because I wanted to celebrate.

It all got a very lukewarm reception, I really don't think he was bothered by what I'd done at all. I think he probably said thank you for the presents but didn't comment on the night out at all, though we both enjoyed it.

So AIBU to be upset, or is it something I should just put up with because it was my choice to push the boat out for him?

OP posts:
Santaischeckinglists · 19/11/2021 22:29

Do you know why he doesn't really do birthdays? One of my dc hates his birthday.
One year exh took him on holiday over his birthday and he wouldn't let me speak to him. It really affected ds..
Don't assume it's a great day for everyone!

A8mint · 19/11/2021 22:30

"he doesn't really do birthdays"

so why are you trying to change him?

Lolalovesroses · 19/11/2021 22:32

Regardless, whether he does birthdays or not he should have thanked you for the night out, that's just common courtesy.

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 22:34

A8mint I'm not. I said I did it entirely because I wanted to. I'm not changing me either - if I want to buy someone a personal present rather than a 4 pack of Stella I will.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 22:37

Lolalovesroses this is what I'm thinking Hmm

OP posts:
Notbornwithit · 19/11/2021 22:37

I never bought boyfriends much in the way of presents. Mug or scarf if it was Christmas. You just don’t need to be trying this hard when he’s only on boyfriend status. Puts them off. It’s sounds like you’re more emotionally invested than him and the gifts are symbolic of this. He knows this which is why he’s uncomfortable. I mean you baked? You’re not his mother. Save the gift giving and baking for marriage

Sirzy · 19/11/2021 22:39

You know he doesn’t do birthdays so you can’t expect him to get excited by his own

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 22:44

@Notbornwithit

I never bought boyfriends much in the way of presents. Mug or scarf if it was Christmas. You just don’t need to be trying this hard when he’s only on boyfriend status. Puts them off. It’s sounds like you’re more emotionally invested than him and the gifts are symbolic of this. He knows this which is why he’s uncomfortable. I mean you baked? You’re not his mother. Save the gift giving and baking for marriage
I didn't think it came across like this, but I guess you could be right. I thought I was just being thoughtful, you may have a point about how it seemed though...
OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 22:44

@Sirzy

You know he doesn’t do birthdays so you can’t expect him to get excited by his own
Good point, I thought he might have said thanks for me paying for a night out though.
OP posts:
Notbornwithit · 19/11/2021 22:49

Being too ‘thoughtful’ doesn’t really work in dating unfortunately. Men react better when they think they need to do a bit more work to get into your thoughts.

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 22:58

@Notbornwithit

Being too ‘thoughtful’ doesn’t really work in dating unfortunately. Men react better when they think they need to do a bit more work to get into your thoughts.
Thanks - will bear this in mind and get him FA for Christmas as he doesn't really do that either Grin
OP posts:
madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 23:03

How rude. Whatever his feeling about annual events, saying thank you is free, it's quick, it pleases others at no cost yourself and takes very little effort. And it's just good manners.

WorraLiberty · 19/11/2021 23:03

@thegreenestbear

A8mint I'm not. I said I did it entirely because I wanted to. I'm not changing me either - if I want to buy someone a personal present rather than a 4 pack of Stella I will.
But it's not about you, it's about him and he doesn't do birthdays Confused

Perhaps he thinks you went OTT to 'show him how you want it done'?

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 23:11

@madisonbridges

How rude. Whatever his feeling about annual events, saying thank you is free, it's quick, it pleases others at no cost yourself and takes very little effort. And it's just good manners.
I think this is where I'm at. Completely appreciate all the other pov, but you just do say thank you, don't you?
OP posts:
madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 23:19

Yes, you DO just say thank you. If you gave someone a lift, would you expect them to get out, close the door and just walk off? No. When someone says or does something nice for you, you say thank you. Who brought him up? Feral hogs?

oviraptor21 · 19/11/2021 23:22

@Notbornwithit

Being too ‘thoughtful’ doesn’t really work in dating unfortunately. Men react better when they think they need to do a bit more work to get into your thoughts.
NAMALT.
Notbornwithit · 19/11/2021 23:23

He’s told you he doesn’t ‘do’ birthdays and ‘Christmas’ ? These types that issue disclaimers early on are bad news. They want to lower your expectations and see what other crap you’ll put up with until. Throw the whole man away before Christmas and more disappointments

Justmuddlingalong · 19/11/2021 23:26

He said thank you though. If you know he's not big on birthdays or particularly thoughtful buying gifts, you already knew the reaction would be lukewarm. You've both now had a birthday since getting together, so he'll either up his game next year or you don't make such an effort.

whippetwoman · 19/11/2021 23:26

I do really like the feral hogs comment!
I think he was very rude not to thank you for a night out. That’s just basic manners.

toastofthetown · 19/11/2021 23:28

@thegreenestbear

A8mint I'm not. I said I did it entirely because I wanted to. I'm not changing me either - if I want to buy someone a personal present rather than a 4 pack of Stella I will.
You said you did it entirely because you wanted to, but you’re posting because you were upset that you didn’t get more than a lukewarm reaction for something he told you he didn’t want in the first place. If it really was just because you wanted to then surely you’d have just enjoyed the day and move on.
Original poster
thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 23:29

@whippetwoman

I do really like the feral hogs comment! I think he was very rude not to thank you for a night out. That’s just basic manners.
I agree. And I love the feral hogs comment too Grin
OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 19/11/2021 23:33

I'm torn. Obviously it is basic manners to say thank you. However, he told you he doesn't like celebrating his birthday so maybe he felt really uncomfortable with the big song and dance you made of his birthday. You say you wanted to celebrate bit sounds like he didn't. There could be a reason behind it all.

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 23:37

I'm upset because he didn't say thank you. Does it make a difference that it was his birthday? I'd paid for a nice night out. Surely you just say thank you?Hmm

OP posts:
Kite22 · 19/11/2021 23:40

But you said he did say thank you.

I often see comments on here about how the giver 's "thoughtful" presents ought to be better received, but birthdays should always be about the recipient.

If the person asks for a surprise, or a fuss, then that is what you should try and do
If the person wants money towards something they are saving for / want to buy with all the birthday money put together
If the person wants something practical, then get them that, even if it isn't what you would want for yourself.

Of course, that works both ways - he ought to get you what you like for your birthday too.

toastofthetown · 19/11/2021 23:44

He thanked you for the presents. Did you say then you were taking him out that night. If he thanked you for everything then, then he might have considered the thanks given.

Clearly you don’t think your being unreasonable, but I don’t think he is being unreasonable either. He has told you he doesn’t care about birthdays. I don’t think that’s just to lower you expectations as a PP said as he doesn’t seem to care about his own either. You either need to accept that about him and move on, lower your expectations or decide it’s a dealbreaker and move on. Expecting gratitude from someone for celebrating something who didn’t really want to celebrate in the first place is only going to lead to disappointment from you