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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday disparity...

108 replies

thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 22:27

Been together with someone for 10 months. Oct is my birthday - I wasn't expecting much as I know he doesn't really do birthdays. So tiny bit disappointed with the generic present and card but wasn't really expecting more.

Fast forward to his birthday and I bought some gifts which were mostly personal to him/his hobbies, made his favourite cake and paid for a night out with a meal and cocktails. Did it entirely because I wanted to celebrate.

It all got a very lukewarm reception, I really don't think he was bothered by what I'd done at all. I think he probably said thank you for the presents but didn't comment on the night out at all, though we both enjoyed it.

So AIBU to be upset, or is it something I should just put up with because it was my choice to push the boat out for him?

OP posts:
ddl1 · 20/11/2021 00:47

If he made a big fuss of his own birthday, but ignored yours, you would have grounds for complaint.

But if you know that he doesn't do birthdays, I don't think it's really fair to expect him to be enthusiastic about things that you do for his.

Personally, I hate my birthday than almost anything in the universe. I want it totally ignored by everyone; try to keep the date secret; and would be really upset if anyone pressed birthday celebrations on to me. I assume that your dp doesn't feel as strongly as I do, or he would have explicitly told you some time ago; but it sounds as though his feelings are somewhere between uncomfortable and 'meh'.

He did thank you for the presents.

I would suggest that in the future, you only celebrate things with him that you know he would want to celebrate.

madisonbridges · 20/11/2021 02:00

If I go out and someone buys me a drink, I say thank you. If they then pay for the meal, I thank them for that too. If they then drive me home, I thank them again. Oh how excessive of me! Really, I never knew you just say thank you at the start of your date and that covers you from showing any manners for the next four hours.

If I really didn't enjoy being treated well and having money spent on me, I would still say thank you and then later, at an appropriate time, say it's not necessary. But, honestly, in the ops position, I'd be looking at socks and expecting them to be pulled up pdq. 🐗 🐗 🐗

Shasha17 · 20/11/2021 02:59

I'm not saying your heart wasn't in the right place, but to play devil's advocate:

He doesn't 'do' birthdays. I don't either. I understand this, although a lot of people think it's odd.

Therefore the genuinely thoughtful thing to do would be to celebrate birthdays how HE wants and how HE feels comfortable.

To have a big celebration with gifts in the style that you like, well, that's not really making his birthday about him. That's making it about you.

My DH does this too and I find it tough to explain. It's just an awkward situation because my preference would be to do nothing/everything just super low key/no presents/just a token. It's almost impossible to explain this without seeming super ungrateful. And I'm not trying to be horrible. I'm just trying to show an alternative point of view. Maybe he also wishes you just did it the way he'd like, as it was his birthday?

I understand it's a difficult issue though as obviously you clearly do like birthdays and celebrating in a traditional way and so I can see why you don't want to give that up.

Maybe you can have a talk about it. Make it clear what you want for your birthday, in terms of planning and presents - and ask him how he wants you to celebrate his. If he insists on somethibg more low-key, or no celebration/acknowledgement at all, then just go along with it and save birthday effort for your other friends and family.

SummerWhisper · 20/11/2021 07:21

The bottom line is that he accepted the night out, therefore, he does do birthdays, otherwise he'd have said "perhaps you should take a friend who will love this" rather than hoovering up every gift and night out you shoved his way with less than minimal thanks. He used the classic and pathetic 'I don't really do birthdays' so that he won't have to make an effort with you and ishowing gratitude would mean that he has to reciprocate and he's too tight for that, hence you will never get a thank you.

Please, please, please do not get him a single thing for Christmas and I mean nothing at all. He'll already be expecting red carpet treatment, thinking he doesn't have to do a thing in return or thank you for your effort. I bet you any money he'll show you how pissed off he is when Santa fails to deliver...

Marvellousmadness · 20/11/2021 07:49

So you knew he isnt a birthday person yet you went on and pushed the issue hard by the cake and the night out and the thoughtful gift....
And then you got disappointed that he wasnt more enthusiastic/say thank you.

Right..

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 08:05

I think some posters are missing the point of my post.

Absolutely fine with minimal thanks for presents - was expecting no more, no less.

Not fine with no thanks for paying for meal/cocktails/taxi. Which he agreed to two weeks ago.

If I'd posted saying nothing about about his birthday, just that I'd paid for a night out but not been thanked would half of you still think that was okay? When did not having basic manners become acceptable?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/11/2021 08:09

But did he actually want to do those things or did he go along with it for you?

If you know he doesn’t like a fuss about birthdays then surely making a fuss is making it about you not him?

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 08:11

Surely it makes no difference? We often go out for meals and cocktails and split 50/50. He likes going out; he's not a hermit. It's not like I got the restaurant to sing to him, or presented him with a cake or balloons. It was just a regular night out. Why is it okay not to say thank you?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 20/11/2021 08:12

@Sirzy

But did he actually want to do those things or did he go along with it for you?

If you know he doesn’t like a fuss about birthdays then surely making a fuss is making it about you not him?

This.

My DH hates birthdays and Christmas because he has a toxic mother who has ruined them all for him.

She gets him things he doesn’t want, or ask for and then complains if she decides he isn’t grateful enough.

MyOtherProfile · 20/11/2021 08:16

It's not ok to not say thank you. But I do think the presents is one thing, paying for everything on the night out is quite another and maybe as pp have said, it is made him think you are too invested. You said you did it for you. Perhaps he picked up on that. Next time I think it's wise to celebrate people's birthdays to the level that they actually want to rather than making it how you want.

Notbornwithit · 20/11/2021 08:17

Everyone missing the point. Whether he likes them or not are beside the point. He made minimal effort on HER birthday. She’s busting a gut to please him and he barely lifted his head. The I do don’t do Christmas snd birthday stuff is just a smoke screen. He’s not interested in her

SarahBellam · 20/11/2021 08:18

Well, you celebrated because you wanted to celebrate. Why did you do it when you knew he didn’t? That’s like someone saying ‘I’m not bothered about fish’ and then they come round to yours and you cook them fish. I know the intention was to be nice but it feels like you didn’t listen to him. And anyway, why would you do that when he didn’t really do anything for yours?

Ponoka7 · 20/11/2021 08:20

"I'm not changing me either - if I want to buy someone a personal present rather than a 4 pack of Stella I will."

Gifts should be about the recipient not the giver. It's not thoughtful to give someone something that they'd rather not have or don't want. We don't do adult presents, I haven't wanted cards for years. My sister tries to hand me something every year, usually a regift. I'm never going to thank her for it. There's no thought about me, my values or my wants. It's rude to force people into gift giving/recieving.
What would have been your reaction if he said that he wanted a normal night out?

MatildaIThink · 20/11/2021 08:21

@Notbornwithit

Everyone missing the point. Whether he likes them or not are beside the point. He made minimal effort on HER birthday. She’s busting a gut to please him and he barely lifted his head. The I do don’t do Christmas snd birthday stuff is just a smoke screen. He’s not interested in her
She is not "busting a gut to please him", she is trying to turn his birthday into something she wants it to be, not what he wants it to be. It seems like he would rather birthdays are a low key occasion and she wants them to be bigger events. Neither of those preferences are wrong but they are different.
Ponoka7 · 20/11/2021 08:22

"She’s busting a gut to please him and he barely lifted his head."

But she isn't. She's pleasing herself. It she wanted to please him, she would have just went out with him as normal and done the minimum. It's like lots of surprise parties, they are done for the organiser to get the glory, not about whose Birthday it is.

Sparkletastic · 20/11/2021 08:23

He sounds rude and joyless. Are you sure he is the man for you?

Sirzy · 20/11/2021 08:24

Why is not wanting to make a fuss about your birthday joyless?

Everyone is different but the OP seems to want to change her boyfriend to meet her ideals of a birthday THATS what is rude.

Kendoddsdadsdogsdadsdead · 20/11/2021 08:28

Sounds like he isn't thankful, so never said thank you.

Think about Christmas. If he is going to disappoint you again, dump him. Because this is your birthday and Xmas now, for as long as you are with him. Generic gifts and no fuss.

If you want more, then split up.

He has told you who he is. Listen.

Heruka · 20/11/2021 08:29

Celebrations are a funny cultural thing as well. Me and DH have had many bumps in the road over the years on how to celebrate various dates. One year my tiny DD had not finished opening all her Xmas gifts on Xmas day, and when we were packing to leave the relatives house, he UNWRAPPED THEM ALL to bring them home and store them in the toy box!! I was so upset and cried!! It’s kind of a tangent but I had such strong ideas about how Xmas should be done based on my experiences, and he never had wrapping paper, the gifts were just laid out, and he had no idea why I thought that her having the unwrapping experience was important.

That’s kind of beside your point, and I agree he has been rude not to say thanks, but just about how birthdays etc mean totally different things and he could be feeling unexpected things about you making a fuss.

Notbornwithit · 20/11/2021 08:29

Baking a cake, showering him in gifts for his hobby, taking him out for night out with a meal and cocktails… I’d call that busting a gut. No decent bloke would allow a woman to do that when he’s done diddly squat for hers the month before. She’s trying to buy his affection. There isn’t any to buy. This is a soundtrack to getting dumped or if she’s even more unlucky a miserable existence with a mean disinterested man

whateveritwilltake · 20/11/2021 08:29

I have a friend who bakes great cakes. I can take or leave cake but another friend loves it. So knowing I didn't want a cake at my recent birthday (because I had no space on top of all other catering and don't care for cake) she asked our baker friend to bake a cake. Because she wanted it. I managed to intercept it in time, she knew I was unhappy about it and I was never going to thank her for the thought. But it was the opposite of what she knew I wanted and entirely what she wanted.

Your partner went along with the night out for you. You wanted to push the boat our by your own admission, so you pay.

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 08:29

But I'm not trying to change him. My AIBU in a nutshell is I paid for a night out and didn't get thanked for it. And I expected to. Because if someone does something for you, you say thank you.

Regardless of whether he's interested in me or not - and I completely take the point that he clearly isn't.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 20/11/2021 08:35

There is a chance he also then felt guilty about his lack of effort on your birthday. You say disparity between birthdays....is there a chance there is a disparity in where you both see this relationship going?

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 08:37

@ittakes2

There is a chance he also then felt guilty about his lack of effort on your birthday. You say disparity between birthdays....is there a chance there is a disparity in where you both see this relationship going?
I didn't think so tbh, we've always been on the same page. But this makes me think maybe we're not after all...
OP posts:
liveforsummer · 20/11/2021 08:40

I think he felt uncomfortable. For wherever reason he doesn't 'do birthdays'. He should have thanked you but he neither wanted or asked for any of it. It's only really thoughtful of it's something the other person will want.

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