Birthday disparity...

[thegreenestbear]

Been together with someone for 10 months. Oct is my birthday - I wasn't expecting much as I know he doesn't really do birthdays. So tiny bit disappointed with the generic present and card but wasn't really expecting more.

Fast forward to his birthday and I bought some gifts which were mostly personal to him/his hobbies, made his favourite cake and paid for a night out with a meal and cocktails. Did it entirely because I wanted to celebrate.

It all got a very lukewarm reception, I really don't think he was bothered by what I'd done at all. I think he probably said thank you for the presents but didn't comment on the night out at all, though we both enjoyed it.

So AIBU to be upset, or is it something I should just put up with because it was my choice to push the boat out for him?

@sonjadog

If you didn't say that you would pay the whole bill until it came, then he couldn't have known you were treating him until there and then. So presumably when he agreed to go for a meal on his birthday he thought you would be splitting it same as usual. I don't think he can be blamed for agreeing for going for a meal.

If he didn't know she was treating him, surely it would have come as a lovely surprise that the op did, so it would be natural to say......er, thank you.

Let's say you hate cars. Think they're dreadful for the environment. You hate going in them. Then one day you're leaving work and there's two inches of snow on the ground and it's still snowing. Your friend offers you a lift. You hate cars but you have open toed court shoes on so you say yes. Your friend has to go in the opposite direction to take you home. When you get to your house, do you:
a) get out of the car, annoyed that they've given you a lift and not say thank you?
Or b) say thank you?

@madisonbridges

Let's say you hate cars. Think they're dreadful for the environment. You hate going in them. Then one day you're leaving work and there's two inches of snow on the ground and it's still snowing. Your friend offers you a lift. You hate cars but you have open toed court shoes on so you say yes. Your friend has to go in the opposite direction to take you home. When you get to your house, do you:

a) get out of the car, annoyed that they've given you a lift and not say thank you?

Or b) say thank you?

Hmmm well you do have a point, except there's a world of difference between bagging a lift off someone who has the decency to go out of their way to take you home in the snow; and being shoehorned into celebrating something, and going somewhere (out) to celebrate it, when you have specifically stated that you definitely don't want to go..

That said, I stand by what I said earlier, (and what many others have said,) that this man sounds very disinterested in the OP.

Also, as has been said by a few posters, I am very sceptical and suspicious about people who don't 'do' birthdays and don't 'do' Christmas. IMO, these types just can't be arsed with anything because they don' want to make any effort.

No way would I be entering into a relationship with a man like this, because you are just setting yourself up for a life of misery and disappointment, with a man who will refuse to have a Christmas tree up, or even a bit of tinsel, at Christmas. I have seen it happen before, with women who think their grumpy curmudgeon of a man will change. He never does...

Also, as someone said earlier,

@Notbornwithit

He’s told you he doesn’t ‘do’ birthdays and ‘Christmas’ ? These types that issue disclaimers early on are bad news. They want to lower your expectations and see what other crap you’ll put up with until. Throw the whole man away before Christmas and more disappointments.

This in spades. ^ Unless you are also a miserable curmudgeon who doesn't give a shiny shit about birthdays celebrations, cards, gifts, and nights out to celebrate and you hate Christmas with a passion and refuse to even have a single bauble in your home; do NOT stay with a man like this.

Let's say you hate cars. Think they're dreadful for the environment. You hate going in them. Then one day you're leaving work and there's two inches of snow on the ground and it's still snowing. Your friend offers you a lift. You hate cars but you have open toed court shoes on so you say yes. Your friend has to go in the opposite direction to take you home. When you get to your house, do you: a) get out of the car, annoyed that they've given you a lift and not say thank you? Or b) say thank you?

I’d liken that to the OP buying her boyfriend a card and present when he said he didn’t do birthdays.

With the OP’s cake baking, going out for a meal, having cocktails and buying lots of personal gifts, I would liken that to the car driven in your example then taking the non-driver to a car show, paying for them to get in, buying them lots of souvenir car-related gifts and then being pissed off that they weren’t grateful

No. It would not have come as a lovely surprise because he had expressly told her he didn't want a fuss made on his birthday. I know it's hard for people to empathise if they've never felt the same. But there v definitely are people who find it excruciatingly embarrassing to be the centre of attention. They hate having to be fake and pretend 'it's just what I wanted!' Mwa, mwa, mwa. Hugs and kisses.

I still haven't recovered from the telling off I got from an aged aunt when I disobeyed her request to ignore her 80th birthday. She didn't need any more stuff. Being a year closer to her sell-by date was no reason to celebrate.

So what was Op trying to prove? She knew better? It would be different because she was the donor? No one can tell her what to do? There's an underlying power play going on here. Old Chinese proverb: only give gifts to your enemies. Think about it.

Oh, I agree he should have said "thank you". Absolutely. Which I agree is very rude, but it wouldn't make me write him off as a potential partner.

I'm shocked how many people think that its OK to have no manners and not say thank you.

I did say he should have said thank you but manners also goes both ways and OP could have had the manners to take what he said not blatantly ignore his wishes and who still hasn’t answered if she expressed her own wishes on the subject or expected him to simply know vs give him the birthday that she wanted that he said he didn’t.

Also, as has been said by a few posters, I am very sceptical and suspicious about people who don't 'do' birthdays and don't 'do' Christmas. IMO, these types just can't be arsed with anything because they don' want to make any effort.

Or perhaps there is a backstory on why such people don’t do these things and people such as yourself never think to consider why other than such people should like birthdays because you like birthdays.

Perhaps you should go on and read the I’m not a Christmas person thread and get some clarity and perspective.

I don’t do birthdays in the traditional sense (I go traveling instead to celebrate) because I hate being the center of attention through years of being bullied and ridiculed at school and at home for most of my childhood and teen years and on top of that having a party where I invited kids that I thought were my friends and they didn’t show up despite rsvping and my mother blaming me for it, I was 8.

Thankfully, people who know me respect my wishes and don’t make a fuss without me having to say why. Despite this and this may come as a shock due to your scepticism and experience, I do celebrate others birthdays, but I do this amazing things called ASKING them what they like to do and go by what they say and the same goes for Christmas because I didn’t have a birthday for years I didn’t enjoy so rather not have others have the same feelings I had but I guess by your standards that seemingly doesn’t exist.

Unless you are also a miserable curmudgeon who doesn't give a shiny shit about birthdays celebrations, cards, gifts, and nights out to celebrate and you hate Christmas with a passion and refuse to even have a single bauble in your home; do NOT stay with a man like this.

Sorry, but not wishing to celebrate birthdays and Christmas does NOT make someone a miserable curmudgeon. It just makes them someone who doesn't celebrate birthdays and Christmas!

They might still celebrate other occasions, or enjoy celebrating spontaneously rather than because The Calendar Told Them To.

I can't bear to have my birthday acknowledged; enjoy Christmas on a small scale, but not the relentless perfectionism of some celebrations; and usually enjoy spontaneous occasions the best. I don't think this makes me a curmudgeon!

Yes, someone who loves special occasions and bases much of their social life around them may not be compatible with someone who dislikes them, but that doesn't mean that either of them is Right or Wrong.

Unless you are also a miserable curmudgeon who doesn't give a shiny shit about birthdays celebrations, cards, gifts, and nights out to celebrate and you hate Christmas with a passion and refuse to even have a single bauble in your home; do NOT stay with a man like this

Disliking Christmas and birthdays doesn't make you a "miserable curmudgeon"

Think outside the box a little bit - there are plenty of reasons why people might dislike celebrations like that - from abusive childhoods, to dysfunctional parental relationships, to conditions like ASD, to poor MH, to just being someone who doesn't like big celebrations. None of those things make you a "miserable person who doesn't give a shit".

Christmas and birthdays are just two days out of 365. You don't need to go all out twice a year to prove how fun and non-miserable you are. There are plenty of other ways to enjoy life and celebrate your relationship with other people.