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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday disparity...

108 replies

thegreenestbear · 19/11/2021 22:27

Been together with someone for 10 months. Oct is my birthday - I wasn't expecting much as I know he doesn't really do birthdays. So tiny bit disappointed with the generic present and card but wasn't really expecting more.

Fast forward to his birthday and I bought some gifts which were mostly personal to him/his hobbies, made his favourite cake and paid for a night out with a meal and cocktails. Did it entirely because I wanted to celebrate.

It all got a very lukewarm reception, I really don't think he was bothered by what I'd done at all. I think he probably said thank you for the presents but didn't comment on the night out at all, though we both enjoyed it.

So AIBU to be upset, or is it something I should just put up with because it was my choice to push the boat out for him?

OP posts:
jellybeanteaparty · 20/11/2021 08:40

A book/concept called the five languages of love could be helpful here. We all give and receive love in different ways (gifts, touch, acts of service, quality time and words of affirmation) and it can be a useful discussion for partners to have together especially if one values for example quality time as being more meaningful than gifts.

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 08:47

@liveforsummer

I think he felt uncomfortable. For wherever reason he doesn't 'do birthdays'. He should have thanked you but he neither wanted or asked for any of it. It's only really thoughtful of it's something the other person will want.
But he did want to go out for a meal!

I said a few weeks ago "it's your birthday on X. Shall we go out for a meal?" He said that was great, chose the restaurant and I did the rest.

I didn't walk him there at gunpoint.

OP posts:
Findwen · 20/11/2021 08:57

I don't celebrate my birthday at all, kind of a defence mechanism due to childhood issues.

When someone does make a fuss of me over my birthday after I have said clearly I don't like it - then it just makes me annoyed, I said I didn't want it - but they did it anyway and want me to be grateful for doing the thing I asked them not to.

CloseThePackWithAClickClack · 20/11/2021 09:04

Yabu. He isn’t bothered by birthdays. He made that clear so stop bothering.

AgentJohnson · 20/11/2021 09:12

Dear God woman. Your efforts on his Birthday comes across as a test. Instead of bitching on here about his ungratefulness, how about talking to him.

Did it occur to you that you making a fuss on his birthday wasn’t what he wanted?

icedcoffees · 20/11/2021 09:15

But you did a lot more than just pay for a meal.

You paid for personal gifts, baked a cake, paid for dinner and a "whole night out including cocktails".

I agree with the PP who said he felt uncomfortable. My husband doesn't "do birthdays" either and if I did all of that for him he would feel really awkward, and we live together and have been married several years!

It reads like you celebrated his birthday in the way you wanted yours celebrating and he just didn't appreciate or want any of that fuss.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 20/11/2021 09:18

You like to celebrate birthdays and Christmas. He doesn't. Neither of you are in the wrong but you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment with this man because you're not compatible. I'd end the relationship and move on to someone who shares your values.

awesomekilick · 20/11/2021 09:20

How could he have gushed with thanks when part of him was uncomfortable and defensive about the whole embarrassing day you had made? Maybe he'd agreed to a meal out full stop, two weeks before his bday, but by the time it came to the meal he'd already had so much unwanted and unwelcome bday stuff foisted on him by you, he probably couldn't say thank because he'd be feeling manipulated and unheard by you

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 09:27

@awesomekilick

How could he have gushed with thanks when part of him was uncomfortable and defensive about the whole embarrassing day you had made? Maybe he'd agreed to a meal out full stop, two weeks before his bday, but by the time it came to the meal he'd already had so much unwanted and unwelcome bday stuff foisted on him by you, he probably couldn't say thank because he'd be feeling manipulated and unheard by you
Little OTT there Grin A few presents and a cake when I went round to pick him up is hardly a whole embarrassing day...
OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 09:29

And the 'love languages' thing - his is clearly acts of service as he's always doing little jobs at my house when he comes round. I don't ask him to, I think he just does them as he's thoughtful. So I guess I shouldn't be thanking him as I've not expressly asked him to do them...

OP posts:
stingofthebutterfly · 20/11/2021 09:37

@Notbornwithit

He’s told you he doesn’t ‘do’ birthdays and ‘Christmas’ ? These types that issue disclaimers early on are bad news. They want to lower your expectations and see what other crap you’ll put up with until. Throw the whole man away before Christmas and more disappointments
I disagree. Maybe he hates attention or has anxiety around it. As a woman who's not really into birthdays and Christmas either, this is my ideal bloke. Perhaps the op and her boyfriend are not compatible in that respect, but this sort of post reaffirms why I hate the stereotypical Mumsnet retort of 'all men are bastards'. They're really not.
Looubylou · 20/11/2021 09:49

Do you accept that this will be your birthdays and Christmases forever - bending to his way and hiding disappointment? I have a partner like this - it got a lot worse with age. No surprises, takes no actual joy in anything out of the norm, complains and tries to regulate what I spend on our child. It will suck the joy from your life, no matter how strongly you stick to your way, events will be spoiled by disapproval. Please run FAST, you deserve some joy in your life. I was too accepting as I am not really materialistic - but it spreads to not doing other things /not being bothered/no effort , with time.

Skeumorph · 20/11/2021 09:50

Probably nuggets of truth in loads of these responses, but what I’d be asking myself is - why bother when you and this guy are clearly not suited very well? All this stuff is early warning territory. He sounds a bit of a misery guts either way you slice it

kowari · 20/11/2021 09:52

@Notbornwithit

He’s told you he doesn’t ‘do’ birthdays and ‘Christmas’ ? These types that issue disclaimers early on are bad news. They want to lower your expectations and see what other crap you’ll put up with until. Throw the whole man away before Christmas and more disappointments
It would be a huge relief for me if a man said this. I don't like fuss at birthdays and Christmas either. It's about good food and good company for me, wouldn't care if I didn't get a thing.
FluffyBooBoo · 20/11/2021 09:58

It would be a huge relief for me if a man said this. I don't like fuss at birthdays and Christmas either. It's about good food and good company for me, wouldn't care if I didn't get a thing

Totally agree with this.

In fact I would feel awkward with both gifts and a meal out.

He has thanked you for what you gave him, did those thanks not cover the meal out too? I know you'll say no, but maybe he feels differently.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 20/11/2021 10:03

I did it entirely because I wanted to.

I think it was well intentioned but it was his birthday, which became what you wanted.
My DH is like your DP so I feel your pain.

DrCoconut · 20/11/2021 10:14

Sounds like a bit of a mismatch to me. Having been through the whole dozen do birthdays, doesn't do Christmas etc I think it's a recipe for misery. Birthdays fair enough the birthday person gets to choose but things like Christmas where doing it and not doing it are mutually exclusive are far more difficult.

ddl1 · 20/11/2021 10:30

He’s told you he doesn’t ‘do’ birthdays and ‘Christmas’ ? These types that issue disclaimers early on are bad news. They want to lower your expectations and see what other crap you’ll put up with until. Throw the whole man away before Christmas and more disappointments

Not necessarily. Not everyone goes in for these special days. And it doesn't make them joyless or uncaring. This partner shows that he cares by being helpful and doing little jobs and tasks for the OP, which I would personally value much more than a good Christmas present (I say Christmas, as it's very important to me that people must NOT acknowledge my birthday).

The one thing that your boyfriend should have done differently IMO is to be much clearer from the beginning about what he wanted and didn't want. It sounds as though he agreed to the meal out, etc. really to please you, or because he didn't think sufficiently about how he'd feel on the day. He should have made it clear that he did not want a birthday acknowledgement at all, or that he only wanted a token gift, and to spend time with you at home. Then when it all happened, he felt too uncomfortable to be as grateful as he could have been. In a way, he was sending mixed messages, though probably without intending to.

billy1966 · 20/11/2021 10:50

OP,

Manners are basic and annoying if they are absent.

I would stop trying so hard to be thoughtful with someone who isn't that pushed.

Go very very low key for Christmas and keep your money for yourself.

Doing the jobs in your home IS thoughtful though.

What type of jobs?
Do you own the house?
Is he saving you money by doing them?

If he is, then THAT is very nice of him.

lastqueenofscotland · 20/11/2021 11:07

One of my best friends HATES birthdays. She’ll humour going for a drink for other peoples but doesn’t like hers to be marked at all. Insists on no presents and her family if they insist she just asks for supermarket vouchers.
If she got lots of presents and a night out she’d feel quite upset/uncomfortable about it.

Original poster
thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 11:19

@lastqueenofscotland

One of my best friends HATES birthdays. She’ll humour going for a drink for other peoples but doesn’t like hers to be marked at all. Insists on no presents and her family if they insist she just asks for supermarket vouchers. If she got lots of presents and a night out she’d feel quite upset/uncomfortable about it.
I assume if someone suggested a meal out for her birthday she'd say no?

In which case very different to my situation.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/11/2021 11:20

But did he say yes because he wanted to have the fuss or because he was trying to appease you?

This all seems to be about you with no thought what he actually wanted.

Thymeout · 20/11/2021 11:41

You say you usually split the cost of nights out.

At what point did you tell him you were paying for the entire night out? Before or when it came to the bill or paying for the cab?

Did he ever have the impression that you paying was instead of presents? And then you give him presents and cake and whisk him off on a de luxe night out. He didn't want a fuss, but you insisted on pushing the boat out against his wishes. Can't you see how unreasonable you were?

When he does odd jobs for you, you thank him. But has he ever gone ahead and done them when you've told him not to?

phoenixrosehere · 20/11/2021 11:44

So he specifically told you he doesn’t do birthdays yet you decided to buy presents, make a cake, etc. You also mentioned that you referenced his birthday and ask about going out and he agreed. Sounds like doing a birthday to me regardless if there wasn’t any “birthday hoopla” at dinner. Could he have thought that the dinner was a part of everything else and not a separate thing so thought saying thank you to all of that included the birthday dinner?

From what you’ve said about him, he doesn’t sound like a bad guy and he thanked you for the rest right? Or did he not thank you at all?

Also, knowing he doesn’t do birthdays, did you tell him what you would like or expect for your birthday?

kowari · 20/11/2021 11:47

I assume if someone suggested a meal out for her birthday she'd say no?
I will sometimes say yes to keep the peace or because I want to see people. Sometimes I say no but it feels like a constant battle. I don't like making it about me, just want a nice dinner out with friends or family but no fuss and I'm not into cocktails or going out for drinks.