Page 4 | Birthday disparity...

Original poster

thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 11:47

@Thymeout

You say you usually split the cost of nights out.

At what point did you tell him you were paying for the entire night out? Before or when it came to the bill or paying for the cab?

Did he ever have the impression that you paying was instead of presents? And then you give him presents and cake and whisk him off on a de luxe night out. He didn't want a fuss, but you insisted on pushing the boat out against his wishes. Can't you see how unreasonable you were?

When he does odd jobs for you, you thank him. But has he ever gone ahead and done them when you've told him not to?

No. I can't see that at all. I think to not say thank you is rude. He didn't say "don't take me for a meal" and I then insisted. He said "Great - let's go to X". When the bill came I said I'll get this.

I was expecting "thank you for a nice night".

How low are your standards that you think it is alright for someone not to say thank you?

OP posts:

kowari · 20/11/2021 11:51

Did you thank him for his company seeing as it was your idea and he gave you his time?

kowari · 20/11/2021 11:52

If you said 'Thanks for coming out with me, I had a lovely time' and he didn't thank you afterwards then he was rude.

Original poster

thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 11:57

@kowari

If you said 'Thanks for coming out with me, I had a lovely time' and he didn't thank you afterwards then he was rude.

Of course I did. As I left the following morning I said "Thanks for last night, it was lovely." He didn't say a word. Just hugged me back.

OP posts:

kowari · 20/11/2021 12:25

He should have said something back in that case. Does he normally struggle with what to say at all and communicate more with gestures?

starfishmummy · 20/11/2021 12:30

@thegreenestbear

Been together with someone for 10 months. Oct is my birthday - I wasn't expecting much as I know he doesn't really do birthdays. So tiny bit disappointed with the generic present and card but wasn't really expecting more.

Fast forward to his birthday and I bought some gifts which were mostly personal to him/his hobbies, made his favourite cake and paid for a night out with a meal and cocktails. Did it entirely because I wanted to celebrate.

It all got a very lukewarm reception, I really don't think he was bothered by what I'd done at all. I think he probably said thank you for the presents but didn't comment on the night out at all, though we both enjoyed it.

So AIBU to be upset, or is it something I should just put up with because it was my choice to push the boat out for him?

You have posted about this before. I remembered it and did a search. On 24 October he was a boyfriend of 6 months. And now a few weeks later it's 10 months!!

Which one OP? And are you expecting different answers to last time??

Original poster

thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 12:30

Yes. He's more of an actions than words man.

I know, I do hear what you are saying and that it was my suggestion to go out. And that he shows he cares in other ways.

My AIBU was if I was wrong to be upset that he didn't say thank you.

My manners would lead me to say thank you if the boot were on the other foot but I guess if he's not wired like that...

OP posts:

kowari · 20/11/2021 12:36

My manners would lead me to say thank you if the boot were on the other foot but I guess if he's not wired like that...
I'm not wired like that either. I would personally take a hug as a 'me too' if I was in your position. Though, if I was in his position I would make an effort to say something back if that's how you communicate.

sonjadog · 20/11/2021 12:49

I think he could have uttered the words "thank you" before you left him, yes. But apart from that, he didn't do anything wrong. If you want to celebrate birthdays etc. in a big style then do it, but don't expect it from him. It doesn't make him joyless that he doesn't do things in your way, he's just different. I guess this is one of the points in a new relationship where you decide how much this matters to you and whether you are compatible or not.

ddl1 · 20/11/2021 12:58

I think we've been so focused (certainly I have) on the whole 'doing/ not doing birthdays/ Christmas' aspects, that we have perhaps not focused sufficiently on what seems to be another difference between you:

Verbal 'thanks' and other expressions of manners seem to be very important to you. He seems to express things less conventionally and less verbally. I would say that his hugging you back was at least as much of a gesture of appreciation as a verbal 'thank you' would have been. And that his doing the little jobs for you is also a sign of appreciation.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with wanting more thanks on a verbal level. I am myself something of a 'words' person. Just that he's not necessarily unappreciative if he doesn't do things in that way. Also that if these things are very important to you, maybe you're unfortunately not very compatible, as people tend to become less, rather than more, careful about conventional manners as they become more accustomed to a relationship; so if he doesn't pay a lot of attention to them now, he's unlikely to become better at this in the future.

Original poster

thegreenestbear · 20/11/2021 13:16

Maybe slight miscalculation the timeline but different subject - he hadn't had his birthday then...

No rules about posting similar AIBU I don't think

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/11/2021 13:26

@Findwen

I don't celebrate my birthday at all, kind of a defence mechanism due to childhood issues.

When someone does make a fuss of me over my birthday after I have said clearly I don't like it - then it just makes me annoyed, I said I didn't want it - but they did it anyway and want me to be grateful for doing the thing I asked them not to.

This

phoenixrosehere · 20/11/2021 13:42

I would personally take a hug as a 'me too' if I was in your position. Though, if I was in his position I would make an effort to say something back if that's how you communicate.

Agree. I would have considered the hug as a sufficient.

However, unless OP tells him what kind of communication she likes how is he to know. He told her he wasn’t into birthdays, but did she tell him she was? Even when he disclosed this about himself, she did what she would have wanted for her own birthday, not what he said.

Nothing wrong with the way either of you want to celebrate birthdays, but you do need to acknowledge that he has different standards and mannerism to you and think on whether they are going to be something you can accept in the long run. He also needs to do the same if you have told him your preferences.

mehface · 20/11/2021 17:46

I'd just be yourself, don't play games. If you want to bake then bake, sounds lovely. If he doesn't appreciate it then he's an arse I have one of these, but if I do nothing he also complains. I forgot to get a gift one year as we were away on holiday and I thought that was the present and he moaned.

mewkins · 20/11/2021 18:16

@Sparkletastic

He sounds rude and joyless. Are you sure he is the man for you?

I think this. Do you want to have years of this? Someone who makes virtually no effort for you and just can't be arsed to celebrate special occasions? What if you have kids? How depressing.

madisonbridges · 20/11/2021 18:48

You know @thegreenestbear, I think that you and I have been very lucky that we haven't experienced the rudeness that seems so acceptable on mumsnet. So when we do meet it, it takes us aback. Don't lower your standards. If a guy accepts your invitation out, then it's only manners for him to say thank you for the drinks, thank you for the meal, thank you for a lovely night out. Who bloody cares if he doesn't like birthdays? Boo fucking hoo. He should have refused to go if he couldn't muster any manners. Did he thank the waiter who brought your food? If he didn't, people on here would condemn him for that but he can have a pass for not thanking the person who paid for the meal! Unbelievable.

I expect a 5yo to thank auntie Betty for a not great present. So thank yous for the different nice things is the absolute minimum I expect from an adult. He is very rude and don't let anyone press you into thinking any different.

Piglet89 · 20/11/2021 19:47

OP if you’re not happy, you know what to do.

Nobody’s forcing you to continue going out with the guy.

Piglet89 · 20/11/2021 19:48

BTW wholeheartedly agree with @madisonbridges and i think you can probably do a lot better.

Crunchymum · 20/11/2021 19:57

In my experience men who "don't do" birthdays and Christmas are telling you in advance not to expect very much for them. Which is fine if you don't care about these things.

Be prepared for a life of making all the effort when it comes to your kids birthdays and Xmases

Crunchymum · 20/11/2021 19:57

For = from

mewkins · 20/11/2021 20:06

@ddl1

I think we've been so focused (certainly I have) on the whole 'doing/ not doing birthdays/ Christmas' aspects, that we have perhaps not focused sufficiently on what seems to be another difference between you:

Verbal 'thanks' and other expressions of manners seem to be very important to you. He seems to express things less conventionally and less verbally. I would say that his hugging you back was at least as much of a gesture of appreciation as a verbal 'thank you' would have been. And that his doing the little jobs for you is also a sign of appreciation.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with wanting more thanks on a verbal level. I am myself something of a 'words' person. Just that he's not necessarily unappreciative if he doesn't do things in that way. Also that if these things are very important to you, maybe you're unfortunately not very compatible, as people tend to become less, rather than more, careful about conventional manners as they become more accustomed to a relationship; so if he doesn't pay a lot of attention to them now, he's unlikely to become better at this in the future.

It's such a basic thing for something to say thanks though. It takes a few seconds and costs nothing. We spend our lives drumming it into our kids, it's totally reasonable for a grown man to be able to muster one up. Even if you don't LIKE a present you still say thank you for it.

LittleDandelionClock · 20/11/2021 20:14

@Notbornwithit

Everyone missing the point. Whether he likes them or not are beside the point. He made minimal effort on HER birthday. She’s busting a gut to please him and he barely lifted his head. The I do don’t do Christmas snd birthday stuff is just a smoke screen. He’s not interested in her

This. ^ He will probably be one of those individuals who 'doesn't do' marriage either, and will drag the OP along with a third-rate relationship for YEARS, before dumping her for another woman - and marrying the new woman within a year of meeting her.

@thegreenestbear This man is not arsed about you. You deserve better. End it now. The reason he didn't 'thank you' is because he doesn't care about you. OR your relationship.

phoenixrosehere · 20/11/2021 20:42

He made minimal effort on HER birthday. She’s busting a gut to please him and he barely lifted his head. The I do don’t do Christmas snd birthday stuff is just a smoke screen. He’s not interested in her.

Um.. how did she bust a gut to please him when she did the complete opposite of what he said? He said he didn’t do birthdays. She baked him a cake, bought him gifts, and paid for a night out because SHE wanted to celebrate it. (Literally says it in her first post).

Also, she has yet to say if she told him what she wanted for/to do for her birthday.

IME if you are someone who doesn’t do birthdays, you’re going to need to be told what someone else would like to do or ask. If she wanted a fuss and didn’t tell him, that’s on her, but if she did and he ignored it, she should break up with him.

Yes, he could have said a verbal thank you with the hug he gave her yet she could have also respected his wishes and done nothing and she wouldn’t have had to do any of the things she chose to.

madisonbridges · 20/11/2021 22:28

He said he didn’t do birthdays. She baked him a cake, bought him gifts, and paid for a night out because SHE wanted to celebrate it. (Literally says it in her first post).

She asked him if he'd like to go out for a meal on his birthday and he said, yes, and chose the restaurant. She then booked the table, bought the drinks, and paid for the food. And you think it's perfectly fine for him not to say thank you. If he felt she was putting him through some form of torture he should have said no, he didn't want to go. But he didn't. He took her hospitality, the free drinks and free food and behaved like an ungrateful arse. I'm shocked how many people think that its OK to have no manners and not say thank you.

sonjadog · 20/11/2021 23:08

If you didn't say that you would pay the whole bill until it came, then he couldn't have known you were treating him until there and then. So presumably when he agreed to go for a meal on his birthday he thought you would be splitting it same as usual. I don't think he can be blamed for agreeing for going for a meal.