... if you've every learned something totally surprising about a close friend?

[BSideLeeSide]

This is no biggie, just something very surprising for me.

I've a very close friend that I'd known for 10+ years, we met through work several years ago. A few weeks ago I was helping her move/unpack to a lovely new house, and staying there for the weekend.

The house had a piano. I was amazed to discover that she is an incredible pianist. Really really amazing! She says she was somewhat of a prodigy when young, but lost interest and motivation in teen years, and is just re-connecting with it as a hobby.

Sadly, if I was that good at something I'd have let everyone know :(

An older male cousin always spent Christmas and weekends with us and usually brought his mother and a family friend. This friend was in all the photos and I recently asked him,now in his 80s, why this man was always invited and was he a relative.He told me he had discovered this was his real father. His own 'father' rarely visited us and the marriage was unhappy.

@DameFanny

You're assuming that the only reason she would out herself is to get attention and probably hookup with not-your-son. That's homophobic.

@DameFanny no thats being a MUM! and if you read what i originally said on my first post then you will see i said it is none of my business what anyone does sexually, one would assume that after this amount of time the couple involved would have discussed all of this and agreed on whether its an issue or not, there was no need to involve anyone else in any of it because as i have said frankly it is none of anyone elses business

@MinnieJackson

At a bbq my friends 75 year old dad grabbed my ass. I went 'wah!' and scuttled away. I told my friend that he might have had a bit too much beer and Sun and that he'd touched my bum. Im not assertive at all and was a bit awkward and tried to kind of laugh it off. My friend said 'wouldn't surprise me', deadpan. I didn't realise her husband had seen and he went absolutely ballistic, saying he was going to call the police. After my friend calmed down and the dad had gone home she told me her dad repeatedly molested and raped her when she was young and her husband obviously despises him. I've seen the dad since and I get really, really anxious. Friend also has three daughters, eldest 14, youngest 6, and she allows him to watch them while she goes to the shop

WTF

That my ex-flatmate represented Britain in the Olympics. He is lovely but such a boy, never mentioned it until a horribly graphic discussion of food poisoning one night in the pub and he starting talking about the outdoor water quality in Beijing.

Me: when did you go to Beijing?

Him: well

@takenforgrantednana

People don't usually come out until after a great deal of stress and soul searching over a period of years, even decades, especially people who grew up before the more accepting 2010s.

Bisexual people often hide their sexuality longer than lesbians and gay men, because bisexuals get flak from both straight people and some members of the LGBTQ community.

She may have sat through tens of conversations, even supportive ones, about LGBTQ rights, wondering whether she should say anything, she may have sat through homophobic and biphobic comments from people who assume she is straight. It's really hard to describe how it feels, but you are on edge a lot, thinking, does it really matter, do people really need to know, given I'm in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but eventually it feels like you're hiding too much of yourself and not being truthful.

I can't really think of an equivalent, but maybe it's a bit like if you'd converted to a religion, but then had to keep it secret? And all around you people are assuming you're a different religion, and talking about it, and your new religion, sometimes not nicely. At some point you're going to say 'ah, by the way, I'm actually now ....'

I knew DH's grandfather was in the German army and fought on the Russian front in WW2. Didn't know until 10 years later that he had not come hoe at the end of the war as the Russians decimated their POWs and he had volunteered to be shot so a younger man could go home in his place.

That my hitherto intelligent, reasonable, kind, friend could become a covid denier, anti-vaxer, senicidal, harpy, even now with the medical and social evidence pointing to the contrary. Very sad, awkward and trying to all around her.

One of my best friends, several years into knowing one another dropped into conversation that she'd been married 3 times. When I met her she was about to marry her "second" husband (who she is still with many years later, also a good friend). I'd always known that she'd been married previously, age 18, to an older man and they'd had a daughter together though the marriage was short lived.

The surprise was that she'd actually been married before that, age 16. It had been a semi arranged marriage and had involved her moving to a different country thousands of miles away with her new husband. It was annulled after a few months because it came out that he was legally married already and the marriage was bigamous. After that, bizarrely, her parents sent her back to school where she met the second husband who was one of the tutors!

[quote tryintohelp]@takenforgrantednana

People don't usually come out until after a great deal of stress and soul searching over a period of years, even decades, especially people who grew up before the more accepting 2010s.

Bisexual people often hide their sexuality longer than lesbians and gay men, because bisexuals get flak from both straight people and some members of the LGBTQ community.

She may have sat through tens of conversations, even supportive ones, about LGBTQ rights, wondering whether she should say anything, she may have sat through homophobic and biphobic comments from people who assume she is straight. It's really hard to describe how it feels, but you are on edge a lot, thinking, does it really matter, do people really need to know, given I'm in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but eventually it feels like you're hiding too much of yourself and not being truthful.

I can't really think of an equivalent, but maybe it's a bit like if you'd converted to a religion, but then had to keep it secret? And all around you people are assuming you're a different religion, and talking about it, and your new religion, sometimes not nicely. At some point you're going to say 'ah, by the way, I'm actually now ....'[/quote]
@tryntohelp "not being truthful" ok i get everything to the part where you say they feel they need to be truthful, yeah great, but that should be directed to the person they are living with, i.e. my son, and then its upto him to decide on how he feels about that, i still stand by my comment of it is not any business of mine or any of their facebook friends! who lets face it have spent a long period of time being friends with her, if they base that friendship on what her sexual identity is then they where never worthy of being friends in the first place, a friend would accept you no matter what you decided to call yourself

I’ve had more than 20 books for children published but I don’t tend to tell people much. There are school mums I’ve been speaking to for years and all they know really is that I work in publishing. I’ve even seen my books in their houses

You're talking like being bi is a dirty secret. And that only her current partner needs to/is entitled to know. Neither of those things is true.

I was 21, newly married and having a bit of a rough time. The company I was working for had been taken over and it was pretty obvious the new owners wanted to get rid of me - they were making the job as difficult as possible. I'd been suffering from horrendous back pain for about 6 months (and 6 months after this incident I was diagnosed with cancer)...so when my mother was visiting one Sunday afternoon I burst into tears, thinking that I'd get some emotional support...

Instead, she tells me that she'd been sexually molested by one of her brothers when she was a pre-teen. It was totally out of the blue - one moment I'm telling her how I can't face going to work in the morning because I'm so depressed with it and in so much pain...and that was her response. What made it worse was this was the uncle that my two brothers and myself had spent the most time with when we were kids...on our own. We used to spend at least one full day at the weekend with him, and he'd take his out a couple of afternoons during the week, after school...

My 23yo Ds discovered something about me a couple of weeks ago...
"Something else I didn't know about my Mum" says he :D. There are loads of things he doesn't know!!

College boyfriend. Went to his house to discover Dad was a famous actor. That was weird. I sort of wished he'd mentioned it but why would he! It was just his Dad.

I have a friend who is a famous and current soap actress. Frequently comments and interacts on SM as she would because she's no different to you or I. Neighbour recently noticed and got a bit shitty about it. Get me with my famous friend showing off 🙄. Not at all, she was just pissed as she likes to be superior to me with her perfect life and does the "poor you" thing as I'm a single parent. She's not got a famous friend 🙂

@noirchatsdeux

I was 21, newly married and having a bit of a rough time. The company I was working for had been taken over and it was pretty obvious the new owners wanted to get rid of me - they were making the job as difficult as possible. I'd been suffering from horrendous back pain for about 6 months (and 6 months after this incident I was diagnosed with cancer)...so when my mother was visiting one Sunday afternoon I burst into tears, thinking that I'd get some emotional support...

Instead, she tells me that she'd been sexually molested by one of her brothers when she was a pre-teen. It was totally out of the blue - one moment I'm telling her how I can't face going to work in the morning because I'm so depressed with it and in so much pain...and that was her response. What made it worse was this was the uncle that my two brothers and myself had spent the most time with when we were kids...on our own. We used to spend at least one full day at the weekend with him, and he'd take his out a couple of afternoons during the week, after school...

Christ that Is hideous

A straight person's sexual orientation is automatically, and tacitly, in the public sphere. A bisexual or gay person coming out is correcting the incorrect tacit assumptions made about their orientation. Therefore an 'out' gay/bi person's attraction is not being made any more public than a straight person's attraction automatically is. Or looking at it the other way round, a straight person's romantic/sexual orientation is never considered private sphere, because it is automatically assumed, either due to heteronormativity, or their relationship status. Therefore how can a gay/bi person merely correcting the record be something that should remain in the private sphere?

I can see, kind of, where you're coming from, and why you might think that, but I think this is something that can be hard to understand if you have not been through it yourself, and I'm probably not explaining it well either.

However, what I hope you will take away is this: You say you are not homophobic or biphobic so I hope that you will, after reading the advice today, not make the comments you've made here, to your son or his partner (or any mutual acquaintances). Unfortunately, such comments will not come over as supportive, indeed will have the opposite effect entirely, however well-meant on your part, and that may sadly damage your relationship with them.

There is a group of 9 of us mums who met via baby groups and nurseries etc. We are really close, and often have weekends away together etc. All live in the same town, have been to each others houses, all from different backgrounds but we shared everything.

Just before one of these weekends, one of the group said "my parents live near where we're going, it's where I grew up. Can we stop in and say hello? Mum would love to meet you all and show you her garden"

Lovely we all thought, it would be nice to meet them.

We are driving through the countryside en route to our destination and friend says "ooh, turn right here!" as we turn into a long driveway- we rounded a bend and there was a castle. A fucking castle 🤣 Turrets and escarpments, the lot. Our faces must have been a picture because she just said "er, it just never really came up did it?!"

Her mums garden was a beautiful walled kitchen garden, veg all in immaculate rows and hot houses to grow fruit in etc. We had the best afternoon wafting about and our friend telling us tales from when she and her siblings would wander round this massive estate and the local village getting up to mischief as kids.

I think her dad had been a lord, just never used the title and just went by Mr X. Or something like that.

She remains the loveliest of friends and I can only hope that I am as good a friend to her as she has been to me over the years. (Yoohoo if you're here lover! This story will never stop being funny to tell amongst our group will it)

@DameFanny

You're assuming that the only reason she would out herself is to get attention and probably hookup with not-your-son. That's homophobic.

This is why only my DH knows I’m bi, there’s no obvious point when you should tell people (we’ve been married years and years) and some people would clearly think it was somehow exhibitionist to be open about it. Feels very weird to keep it a continual secret but too late to mention it.

My grandmother grew up in a country town in Australia that was briefly prosperous thanks to producing and milling wool that was used for making uniforms for soldiers during both World Wars. (And famous for having a mayor with identical twin sons called Winston and Adolf, but I digress....) Her father was the Postmaster General and a member of a very strict off-shoot of Presbyterianism that is now considered to be a cult. (Think laxatives and enemas on Saturdays so that one is "purified" prior to church on Sundays, etc.) He was a social-climber of the highest order, whose uncle was Prime Minister, and I dare say he name-dropped a hell of a lot to get where he was, because I gather he was not well-liked. Anyhow, my grandmother lived with her brother who was ten years older, her spinster aunt - (his sister) and her mother at the very grand post office. They had staff as well. She used to play with a little boy, about two years older than her, who was employed to look after the horses and do all kinds of odd jobs around the place. She remembers that her father was especially nasty to this kid, and he was beaten for playing with her, and she was told to play with anyone else, but not him. When she was in her 80's she was contacted by this man, who was very unwell. He explained that he was the illegitimate child of her spinster Aunt, and had actually been adopted by her parents at birth, so was technically her "brother." Obviously she had had no idea about this at all. He had never been paid by her father for his work, nor had he been educated while under that roof. Her father claimed that his "name" was enough payment - along with the meagre food he provided, so the boy had run away at twelve and educated himself. He had done extremely well in life and was happily married, had kids and grandkids, etc.. My grandmother was horrified, of course, felt guilty, etc. He kept explaining to her that she was far too young to have known, and that there was no records at the time of her parent's deaths to include him, despite the adoption. They became great friends again for the last years of their lives, and called each other brother and sister, which was just magic.

Growing up, my son knew I loved licorice and would always give me the black jelly beans from his Easter basket, and any licorice he would have. When he was about 28, he came to visit and brought me a gift of a couple different types of licorice, telling me how great this one was, and what the other was like. I asked how he knew and he told me he had been eating them, too. I said “but you don’t like it” and he insisted he LOVES licorice. “Well then, why did you always give me your black jelly beans when you were little.” And he said “because I knew you loved them, too”. All those years, and I never knew. He’s 32 now and I try to occasionally buy him great licorice.

When I was 55 (because of Facebook) I ended up back in touch with my very first boyfriend, whom I'd started going out with before I was 16.

We met up and got chatting about old times when he told me that my best friend, then 15, had asked him to take her virginity, and he'd readily agreed. They had DTD in MY bed whilst I was away on holiday and she had a key to come and water the plants!

What he didn't know when he told me this was that a few weeks earlier I'd got back in touch with her and we'd met up a few times.