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Fat comment by MIL
298

Anoart1 · 19/11/2021 06:18

Really down at the moment. Mixture of things but most recent: MIL commented that as I’m so fat now (I’m size 12) I should give her my really nice dresses as I will never fit into them again. She wants to give few of them to my SIL (SIL is older and has more than enough money to buy herself a few dresses). I politely told MIL I will lose the weight it’s just I haven’t really tried. Her response was “no you won’t, DC is nearly 2 years old now and you still fat”. I was really upset and spoke to DH whose response was well she’s right and no point keeping clothes you can’t wear anymore. Not to drip feed and give all the facts she gifted some of these to me on my wedding day as per tradition so it’s a done thing not her being “nice” it’s tradition. But I have never heard of a MIL asking back for them! My sisters think it’s hilarious of her asking and DH is not supportive. They are my clothes after all and I feel weird giving them away as MIL has decided I will never fit into them.

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thebabessavedme · 19/11/2021 10:56

I think OP you are going to have to become more assertive! Your MIL clearly sees herself as a matriarch and thinks she has the right to say and do as she pleases, if you don't stand up to her she will continue to do this until she dies. Personally I would give her the dresses as I would really not want to wear anything she had given me, even if you do eventually fit into them she will still be critical and mean and will do her best to make you feel uncomfortable. I would also say that you are happy to give them back as they are now dated and you prefer to look a little more current! A remark like that will take her power away to upset you and give you the upper hand.

As to the next move, tread firmly, start 'being in charge' in your own home, no, she may not go through your things or even enter your bedroom, no, she may not make nasty remarks to you in your home without being challenged. All the time you let her get away with doing these things she sees you as a child and will bully you. You are a mother now, a grown woman and you are to be treated as such.

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DameFanny · 19/11/2021 10:57

LadyFlumpalot's idea is funnier though Grin

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ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 19/11/2021 11:13

If she took any of my stuff I'd call the police for theft.

What an utter bitch.

Sounds like you need to start being a bitch right back.

Tell her to get lost and mind her own ugly business. And keep telling her.

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zoemum2006 · 19/11/2021 11:39

Cheeky cow!

I'd just say "it's rude to make personal comments.... I mean I'd never say that you're a bad mother you raised a son to you, would I? I keep that to myself".

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LookItsMeAgain · 19/11/2021 11:46

@LadyFlumpalot

Personally I would:

Remove all the dresses and hide them, give them to a friend for safe keeping, a work friend or someone outside of the culture so they don't feel cultural pressure to hand anything over.

Remove EVERYTHING from your wardrobe except for a few boring basics (underwear, jeans, plain jumpers).

Happily let MIL in and point her at your wardrobe to have a look, chirpily tell her all about how she was right, you're never going to fit in them again so you're embracing a capsule wardrobe. Tell her you gave them to a second hand shop, can't remember which one, but one of the ones down the high street and watch her go off to search every Barnados in a 10 mile radius.

Very similar to my earlier post but if you do decide to do this, I'd go one step further. I'd actually go to some of those charity shops, buy a few key pieces and add them to your new 'capsule' wardrobe. They don't ever have to be anything that you would wear but if you felt like buying clothes that you think MiL would like or SiL would like, buy them for a couple of pounds and at least the charity is making something out of what is a horrible situation.

@BudgeSquare - that's awful. Hope you're doing much better now.
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diddl · 19/11/2021 11:51

"She only has the power that people give her."

Difficult when one giving the power is Op's husband who would it seems happily let her in the house & to take what she wants from Op's wardrobe.

When I read this sort of thing I do wonder if the dynamic was obvious from the off or if given the culture it is really such a shock that MIL is like this?

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MrsToothyBitch · 19/11/2021 11:56

Is she always so poisonous?

I'd put them all somewhere that a) you can't see them til you feel better and b) cannot be got into by nosy MiLs and just say that whether you will fit back into them or not, they're yours to do as you wish with - and thart whilst they are no longer in your wardrobe (a literal truth) you still don't wish for MiL and SiL to have them, especially as MiL was so rude.

Also- if you want to lose weight and lose it now, that's fine. But don't feel pushed or pressured into doing anything by others because it's so hollow- you're not doing it for you. My weight is a VERY touchy subject. I am actively trying to lose weight for myself anyway but I recently had to disabuse my mother of the ridiculous notion that I might take her with me to choose my wedding dress. I don't want or need the opinion of someone who has already
suggested my wedding could be my "salvation".

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teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/11/2021 12:02

Sorry but I'd tell her to fuck off! I still have jeans I'm determined I'll fit into again when I'm back into size 12- that's what I'd like to be by the way as it's not fat! It's perfect.

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noirchatsdeux · 19/11/2021 13:40

If you were given the clothes as part of a marriage tradition, I'd guess you are all from a culture where parents in law are typically far more 'involved' with their adult children's lives than is usual for the UK. If that is the case, you probably don't have the option of 'answering back' to your MIL or having your husband on your side. Apart from getting out of the situation for good, it's difficult to advise what to do...perhaps give the clothing to one of your sisters to look after, so they aren't physically in your house?

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caringcarer · 19/11/2021 13:46

I would not be letting her in. She has absolutely no right to go onto your wardrobe and take anything. I would donate to charity before she came rather than let her take it from me. If your DH does not stand up to his Mum I would be kicking the pair of them away from me.

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ChargingBuck · 19/11/2021 14:16

Jeeze OP.
You are merely an object to your MiL & DH, aren't you?

I am so sorry.

If your MiL mentions your weight, or your clothes again, would you be able to tell her to fuck off with her rudeness & ignorance?
Or has the dynamic gone too far now?

What would your DH do if you told him to fuck off with his hurtful comments?

Oh she has zero boundaries she will have no problem opening my wardrobes.
It doesn't matter what her boundaries are. They are none of your business & not your responsibility.
Your business, & your responsibility, is to own YOUR boundaries.
A swift "get the fuck out of my wardrobe, you nosy interfering old dragon" would have done it.

But I'm getting the feeling that you have been conditioned to accept them acting like the Ugly Sisters to your Cinderella, so wouldn't feel able to do that. Is that because your DH would refuse to back you up, & would side with his mother in bullying you?

Do you need help summoning a fairy godmother& Coach to get you away from these horrible people? Genuinely - if you are unable to change their behaviours (& they have no incentive to change, so won't) - how are you going to get away from them?
You cannot go on living like this my dear Flowers

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ChargingBuck · 19/11/2021 14:19

@Anoart1

Thank you both. Didn’t add but my own mum things MIL is right and it’s no point keeping clothes I will never get into again. The thing is I haven’t even tried dieting. I’m 2 dress sizes from what I was before DC, I don’t know why they keep making me feel like I can never be what I was. It’s actually making me eat more!

Your lovely, baby-creating body, is just as lovely now, in all its modest size 12 glory, as it was before you had your babies.

Please love your body.
Love your babies.
Love yourself.

And realise that this has got fuck-all to do with how beautiful your body is, & everything to do with how disgustingly ugly your DH & MiL's behaviour is.
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Suggestions2021 · 19/11/2021 14:25

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. How cruel. Whether your 8 stone or 18 stone, it is never ok to comment in such a way.

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Suggestions2021 · 19/11/2021 14:26

you're*

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PrincessNutella · 19/11/2021 14:31

I think you should do a craft project with them. Maybe make some new pillowcases for your couch. Or a collage with glued on cloth.

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FlickerBeat · 19/11/2021 14:35

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

Sorry but I'd tell her to fuck off! I still have jeans I'm determined I'll fit into again when I'm back into size 12- that's what I'd like to be by the way as it's not fat! It's perfect.

So would I! And I wouldn't care what the fallout was.
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Skeumorph · 19/11/2021 14:36

Pack the dresses away. Let her go in the wardrobe.

'Where are the dresses?!'

'Oh, I gave them to charity. Most of them were still smelly from when they came from your house anyway'

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MarshmallowSwede · 19/11/2021 14:52

Sorry your mother in law sounds terrible and you should not let her go thru your things.

The lack of respect for your boundaries is astounding. And you’re husband sounds horrid as well.

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MancMum2000 · 19/11/2021 14:55

What a horrible prick she sounds. I’d cut up the dresses in front of her then eat a big cake🖕

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EKGEMS · 19/11/2021 14:58

Keep the dresses get rid of the gruesome twosome (mummy dearest and dickhead husband)

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/11/2021 15:00

@MintJulia

Both your MIL and your H are unsupportive and nasty.

Move the dresses she is referring to. Lock them in the boot of your car or in your locker at work etc.

The sooner your vile MIL learns that her rudeness and interference will get her nothing, the better.

This

You poor thing.

Texting/emailing is your friend.
"MIL. I will not allow you to go through my wardrobe and take your pick. It is up to me what I do with my own clothes. From now on kindly stop making comments about my weight."
... and repeat.
And tell your husband the same thing.
This absolutely NONE of your MILS business and shut her up with the same phrase every time she mentions it. I can't believe your DM is also saying the same thing. She needs to be told as well. Ask her why she has to join in when this is so upsetting.
I've had similar comments and my weight has gone up and down over the years. The one thing I've learnt from this is NEVER discuss your size, your eating habits or ambitions to lose weight with unsupportive people. There's plenty of weight loss forums where people will give positive, helpful and supportive comments. As you've already found out, your MIL will just tell you that you will never lose weight.
Its difficult doing self care when you are fully occupied with small children, but when they are at school you will have more time for yourself.
What does your husband do to support you losing weight? Ask him that next time he brings up the subject.
Set up some kind of exercise programme for yourself at the weekends and let him look after the kids. Tell don't ask permission and off you go. And don't discuss the pros and cons either, or you will just get more comments back. Best of luck. This is an awful situation for you but the best way to self care is start caring more for yourself and less for unsupportive people and their absolutely horrible comments.
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billy1966 · 19/11/2021 15:03

So you married an arsehole with an arsehole of a mother.

You poor woman.Flowers

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/11/2021 15:09

PS I meant to add, size 12 is not overweight and you should only lose weight if and when you are ready and want to and only for yourself not because of others. I suggested getting out at the weekends for walks etc because that worked for me and also helped me feel better.

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OddsNSodsBitsNBobs · 19/11/2021 15:38

She has way over stepped the mark! No one has the right to pass comment on anyones weight be it large or small. Your husband should also be taking a long hard look at himself.

To those saying that a size 12 isn't 'fat'.... clothes size doesnt define actual size. If you are 5ft or under a size 12 is most likely quite large at 5ft 9 plus it's quite small. I'd agree it's almost perfect on an average height female.

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lockdownalli · 19/11/2021 16:07

@billy1966

So you married an arsehole with an arsehole of a mother.

You poor woman.Flowers

Agree with this sadly.

Surely you can't be happy in this situation OP?

I would tell her if she takes anything without my permission I will be on the phone to the police by the time she reaches her car. And your husband can fuck off too.

If he won't defend you against this level of abuse and treachery, what's the point of him?
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