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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's cheeky for a friend to ask to stay over following an event I was excluded from?

128 replies

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 20:21

Friend of over a decade asked to stay a night last week following an evening activity nearby to me. She works near my house and it's far more convenient to get there from mine than hers, which is almost an hour away. We have a holiday annexe which isn't used at this time of year so she often asks to stay and isn't roughing it. I said yes, just presuming she was going with her work mates.

It's the kind of thing I would have really enjoyed, especially as I'm currently going through a bit of a shit time (which she knows) but I'd never have tried to invite myself. She then bailed at the last minute and didn't go, so no need to stay. Fine.

Anyway, turns out today from bumping into a mutual acquaintance she'd actually planned to go with her and another friend of the acquaintance. It wasn't a limited numbers situation, we've all been together to this kind of thing a couple of times before and had discussed going again. (I'm far less bothered about the acquaintance not inviting me than my friend of a decade.)

While it stings a bit to be unceremoniously dropped, i can't believe she'd then still attempt to use me for the post event accommodation knowing I'd been left out from something a) nice b) with someone I know and c) round the bloody corner! I can almost see the funny side but I'll need to tackle this somehow. She regularly asks to stay but I'm not up for being taken for a mug again. Tell me how you'd handle this!

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 18/11/2021 20:24

Very cheeky. And she wouldn't be staying in my annexe again.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/11/2021 20:25

How hurtful!!

TurquoiseDragon · 18/11/2021 20:27

I'd straight out ask why I hadn't been invited. Lately, I've developed a firmer side to me, lost a lot of the people-pleasing non-confrontation attitudes I used to have.

BruiserWoods · 18/11/2021 20:29

Very hurtful. I'd never have the nerve to ask to stay with a friend who was excluded.

LittleDandelionClock · 18/11/2021 20:29

I can't believe you even have to ASK if this so called 'FRIEND' is being unreasonable. Confused

Of course she is. Tell her to fuck off. Failing that, just say 'there's no way you're staying here after going to something that I have been excluded from. Why would you even ask?' Hmm

TotallySuper · 18/11/2021 20:30

@Leeds2

Very cheeky. And she wouldn't be staying in my annexe again.
Say no every time! Or confront her and tell her why. Then distance yourself. What a bitch.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/11/2021 20:30

Yeah I think it would be a no from me to staying in the annexe in future

IncompleteSenten · 18/11/2021 20:31

I'd like to tell you if call her up and tell her how cheeky it was of her but in reality I'd say nothing until she asked to stay again then ask whether this was another trip with X and y to do z local thing without me like last time.

It's not a great way to handle it but I'm not going to make up some wonderfully assertive and classy response when in reality I'd be petty as fuck. 🤣

BruiserWoods · 18/11/2021 20:31

Have you already said yes ?

I'd use the ''shine a light on it'' technique.

''so, let me check, you want to stay in my annexe so that you can go out with my friend without me?''.

Let her know that there's no spin that makes that look good.

NatriumChloride · 18/11/2021 20:32

I’d call her out on it! I’m like @TurquoiseDragon - I’ve started speaking up a bit for myself these days. When she asks, you laugh incredulously and say, “Stay at mine? When you weren’t even nice enough to extend the invite to me? You’re having a laugh.”

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 20:34

Phew. I try and imagine this situation the other way round and I'd just never do it. Ever. I do wonder if she bailed because it clicked that I'd probably ask her about it and she'd have to either lie or face an awkward situation.

I've been trying to support her through a shitty life situation but it clearly isn't reciprocated. Oh well. She'll need to find a new 5 star free room.

OP posts:
BudrosBudrosGalli · 18/11/2021 20:35

I would say yes but would charge her, since she obviously does not consider or respect you as a friend.

Iveneverwonanoscar · 18/11/2021 20:37

Time to distance yourself from your friend. That's not a kind thing to do or how a good friend should behave. I'd be hurt too. Sadly some friendships aren't always what they seem and don't last forever.

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 20:37

To be clear, if I'd known she was planning on hanging out with friends without me, I wouldn't have just said yes. I'd have been Confused

She was being a bit vague so I just presumed it was people I didn't know!

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 18/11/2021 20:38

I'd call her out on it now.

Hi friend, I know it's cancelled, but I'm really pissed off you didn't invite me to join you all when you were going out. I'm also feeling a bit used with regards to you staying with me.

See what she says, at least this way, when you refuse to host her again it won't come as a surprise to her

SunShinesBrightly · 18/11/2021 20:38

So she didn’t go in the end? Maybe she thought better of it, knew if you weren’t going it would be too cheeky?

LagunaBubbles · 18/11/2021 20:39

I would want to know why she excluded you so I would ask.

TyrannosaurusRights · 18/11/2021 20:39

Send her an invoice for use of the holiday annex? It’s free for good friends, but evidently that’s not how she sees your relationship anymore.

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 20:43

@LagunaBubbles the only reason I can think of is that I've been promoted at work and am senior to someone who'd have been there. Not their line manager. And still the same person I was last time we went anywhere.

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 18/11/2021 20:48

I had this, though it was more years ago than I care to mention and the cheekiest part was I still lived with my parents and she wanted to go out and come home at three am when I wasn’t invited or doing anything and so would have to let her in with her drunk to stay over. This was asked a few times and I just stopped being available for anything ever!!!

HermioneKipper · 18/11/2021 20:48

This is so cheeky. I can’t believe the nerve of some people. I wonder if she worked out she’d be caught out.

Horrible being left out OP, really leaves a sick feeling.

I’d want to confront her but then you may lose her as a friend. Although to be honest I couldn’t see her in the same way again after this anyway

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/11/2021 20:56

Very similar thing happened to me. No suggestion at all of me coming with them. They refused a lovely breakfast and left straight away for a lunch.

I decided to just leave it as this was a one off event unlikely to ever happen again.

In your case, I think this friend sees you as a b and b. What did your mutual friend say? Did she think you should have been invited?

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 21:07

Mutual acquaintance was entirely normal, friendly and breezy just chatting about it and the hassle that had been caused by the friend dropping out. They had apparently invited someone else to take her place.

Didn't appear to register it was at all odd that friend had planned to stay at mine despite me not going. Or that they hadn't asked me to take the spare place and I live round the bloody corner. Hmm

Relayed all this to my closest work friend at lunch to reassure myself I wasn't going mad and we ended up laughing about it being like some tactless twilight zone.

There's nowt so queer as folk as my lovely grandad would have said

OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 18/11/2021 21:40

Maybe the mutual acquaintance assumed you were invited and had declined, hence feeling free to speak to you about it?

I'd have to ask my friend outright what was going on as that's not nice at all & very cheeky!

StoneofDestiny · 18/11/2021 21:44

Just tell her sorry but your annexe is double booked - I'm sure she can bunk up with one of the others.