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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's cheeky for a friend to ask to stay over following an event I was excluded from?

128 replies

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 20:21

Friend of over a decade asked to stay a night last week following an evening activity nearby to me. She works near my house and it's far more convenient to get there from mine than hers, which is almost an hour away. We have a holiday annexe which isn't used at this time of year so she often asks to stay and isn't roughing it. I said yes, just presuming she was going with her work mates.

It's the kind of thing I would have really enjoyed, especially as I'm currently going through a bit of a shit time (which she knows) but I'd never have tried to invite myself. She then bailed at the last minute and didn't go, so no need to stay. Fine.

Anyway, turns out today from bumping into a mutual acquaintance she'd actually planned to go with her and another friend of the acquaintance. It wasn't a limited numbers situation, we've all been together to this kind of thing a couple of times before and had discussed going again. (I'm far less bothered about the acquaintance not inviting me than my friend of a decade.)

While it stings a bit to be unceremoniously dropped, i can't believe she'd then still attempt to use me for the post event accommodation knowing I'd been left out from something a) nice b) with someone I know and c) round the bloody corner! I can almost see the funny side but I'll need to tackle this somehow. She regularly asks to stay but I'm not up for being taken for a mug again. Tell me how you'd handle this!

OP posts:
Daisylg · 18/11/2021 21:45

I think you definitely need to message and say ‘ omg I ran into _ and she mentioned it was her and so and so you were going with, I’m actually abit pissed off that you had the cheek to ask to stay at my house to attend an event I wasn’t invited too even though we are all friends? Good job it didn’t happen and think twice before you ask to use my house again’
Cheeky mare, she needs pulling on it or she will never stop

ANameChangeAgain · 18/11/2021 21:51

I agree with everyone who said you need to be upfront with her on this. She has behaved badly and taken advantage of you. You have nothing to loose as she has already shown you who she really is.

billy1966 · 18/11/2021 21:52

@Daisylg

OP,

This is a good text.

She is NOT a friend but a CF.

Don't be used by her again.

Flowers
carlydurly · 18/11/2021 21:56

Well. Have sent a text.. let's see what happens. I've kept it friendly but clear. Nothing to lose as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:
Saskatcha · 18/11/2021 21:58

Well done. Definitely not okay

SecondRow · 18/11/2021 22:00

I would lead with the question you really want an answer to, namely why she didn't invite you along when she knows it was something you like doing.

Unfortunately the CF-ness of using your house like that is a done deal, there's no other way of seeing it. So if you start in on that with your text you'll get bogged down with her explanations. But really it's the first part above that there's still some uncertainty about her motivations, so I would get that out of her before letting her know how unacceptable her plan was.

TotallySuper · 18/11/2021 22:04

@carlydurly

Well. Have sent a text.. let's see what happens. I've kept it friendly but clear. Nothing to lose as far as I'm concerned.
What did you say?
Yogaandcocoa · 18/11/2021 22:04

What did you say op?

I think it is very cheeky

If it's not a numbers limited thing surely you'd say "we're going to X why don't you join us?" AT LEAST

billy1966 · 18/11/2021 22:06

Well done.

As you rightly say, nothing to lose.

Allowing yourself to be used destroys self esteem.

Good for you.

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 22:10

I said I'd not realised until today that the lovely thing was actually with xx.

I pointed out that had she arrived to stay with me following the lovely thing as planned, I'd have had the unpleasant dawning realisation that I'd been left out of something I'd have been included in in the past, and it would have upset me. I'd rather avoid that so suggested that in future situations she just makes arrangements to go home and I'll be none the wiser.

I could have gone in harder but this will land. I'm normally little miss Diplomatic.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 18/11/2021 22:17

Mutual acquaintance was entirely normal, friendly and breezy just chatting about it and the hassle that had been caused by the friend dropping out. They had apparently invited someone else to take her place.

This also sounds odd. Your friend is definitely a CF. Sounds like she's got used to staying in holiday annexe. Just say no next time.

billy1966 · 18/11/2021 22:19

Excellent text OP.

That should land.

I wouldn't allow her stay again.

honeylulu · 18/11/2021 22:28

Given the open way that mutual acquaintance relayed the information I agree with PP that she either assumed your "friend" had invited you and you couldn't come or (worse) that your friend lied and told her she'd invited you and you said no.

I also wonder if the mutual acquaintance was baffled by the dropping out and knowing your "friend" had been due to stay at your house, was trying to get some intel about the sudden change.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 18/11/2021 22:29

great text, OP. This one would not be one I could smooth over, without speaking up. Bloody nerve!

littlefireseverywhere · 18/11/2021 22:32

So cheeky & rude, good text!

harriethoyle · 18/11/2021 22:32

Excellent text OP - well done!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/11/2021 22:32

Well done for sending a text, I am also usually diplomatic and that would have taken a lot for me to do. Hope that she takes it on board.

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 22:34

I took a deep breath before pressing send. And then ran away from my phone to make a drink Grin

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 18/11/2021 22:35

So glad you told her, OP.

tallduckandhandsome · 18/11/2021 22:36

@carlydurly

I took a deep breath before pressing send. And then ran away from my phone to make a drink Grin
Haha I do that too, send and run 🤣
LittleDandelionClock · 18/11/2021 22:36

@carlydurly

I said I'd not realised until today that the lovely thing was actually with xx.

I pointed out that had she arrived to stay with me following the lovely thing as planned, I'd have had the unpleasant dawning realisation that I'd been left out of something I'd have been included in in the past, and it would have upset me. I'd rather avoid that so suggested that in future situations she just makes arrangements to go home and I'll be none the wiser.

I could have gone in harder but this will land. I'm normally little miss Diplomatic.

Very diplomatic. Well done!
Pleasedonteliminate · 18/11/2021 22:37

Well done OP great text and to the point

WellHereWeGoAgain · 18/11/2021 22:38

Well done for telling her. Great text.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/11/2021 22:38

Charge her the same rate as your other guests.

OverByYer · 18/11/2021 22:39

How rude!

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