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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's cheeky for a friend to ask to stay over following an event I was excluded from?

128 replies

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 20:21

Friend of over a decade asked to stay a night last week following an evening activity nearby to me. She works near my house and it's far more convenient to get there from mine than hers, which is almost an hour away. We have a holiday annexe which isn't used at this time of year so she often asks to stay and isn't roughing it. I said yes, just presuming she was going with her work mates.

It's the kind of thing I would have really enjoyed, especially as I'm currently going through a bit of a shit time (which she knows) but I'd never have tried to invite myself. She then bailed at the last minute and didn't go, so no need to stay. Fine.

Anyway, turns out today from bumping into a mutual acquaintance she'd actually planned to go with her and another friend of the acquaintance. It wasn't a limited numbers situation, we've all been together to this kind of thing a couple of times before and had discussed going again. (I'm far less bothered about the acquaintance not inviting me than my friend of a decade.)

While it stings a bit to be unceremoniously dropped, i can't believe she'd then still attempt to use me for the post event accommodation knowing I'd been left out from something a) nice b) with someone I know and c) round the bloody corner! I can almost see the funny side but I'll need to tackle this somehow. She regularly asks to stay but I'm not up for being taken for a mug again. Tell me how you'd handle this!

OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 18/11/2021 22:41

Great text Op. Hopefully she'll send back an apologetic message and things can get back on track again.

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 22:41

@MrsSkylerWhite I know, right. We're in a popular area so you're looking at over £100 per night for the room in high season. It's really nice. She's not daft.

OP posts:
carlydurly · 18/11/2021 22:43

And thanks everyone. It's always good to get a mn sense check on these things

OP posts:
Notsandwiches · 18/11/2021 22:46

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

I'd call her out on it now.

Hi friend, I know it's cancelled, but I'm really pissed off you didn't invite me to join you all when you were going out. I'm also feeling a bit used with regards to you staying with me.

See what she says, at least this way, when you refuse to host her again it won't come as a surprise to her

This is how I'd deal with it too. It needs dealing with now, particularly if you do want to try and preserve this "friendship".
BungleandGeorge · 18/11/2021 22:52

I think it’s very possible that she cancelled when she found out that you hadn’t been invited. You now being senior to the other person does change the dynamic. I can understand if they know want to keep the relationship purely professional as you are only acquaintances

Dindundundundeeer · 18/11/2021 22:57

Ooh wonder what she’ll say! Cheeky mare

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 22:57

Yes, I'm ok with that being the case even though our paths at work rarely cross. A shame but dynamics do change.

Friend definitely knew I wasn't invited or it would have made sense to arrange to head over there together at the time she asked to stay.

OP posts:
pictish · 18/11/2021 22:59

It’s good that you broached it with her. It was a good text.

cakewench · 18/11/2021 23:04

Oh well done for sending the text. Wonder how she’ll try to spin this..

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/11/2021 23:07

Fuck me, the brass neck of some people! I think this type rely on other people not wanting to be confrontational or cause bad feeling when they know full well they're being cheeky fuckers. I would explain how you feel to her but I know, especially from reading threads on here, that for some people that would be difficult. If you don't feel able to I would find another reason to retract the acceptance of her request to stay and be distant from now on as she sounds like a dick.

MsTSwift · 18/11/2021 23:08

Is there some reason they think you don’t want to go? Otherwise it’s just really odd behaviour and a tone deaf thing to do. Etiquette dictates you dont even mention an event in front of uninvited people let alone bunking up at theirs!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/11/2021 23:08

Sorry missed your update! Good on you for messaging her, well done.

User310 · 18/11/2021 23:09

Well, why did she drop out? Maybe she realised it was abit insensitive?

Underthestairsbears · 18/11/2021 23:11

Ughhh so selfish of her!
You definitely did the right thing by texting her.

NewlyGranny · 18/11/2021 23:19

I bet you get tumbleweed.

Honeyroar · 18/11/2021 23:19

Has she not replied yet? Probably trying to think of a plausible reason. Might take her a while!

NataliaSerene · 18/11/2021 23:22

Oh, that would hurt.

When you spent time with them before, who planned everything?
I wonder if someone else arranged this and she didn’t feel comfortable asking to include you?

Either way, asking to stay at your place afterward is just not nice.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/11/2021 23:27

Wow definitely CF behaviour.
Awaiting her text response, it'd better be a good one to excuse her actions.

ChrissyPlummer · 19/11/2021 00:10

Happened to me. A friend came to visit her parents who lived near my parents at the time. She gave me a one hour slot 😏 in the afternoon and then was talking about how she was meeting up with other friends later to go to the cinema. I wasn’t really interested in the film but thought it was a bit tactless. She then said to me “I suppose you could come if you drive us. I don’t feel like driving.”

She has form though. I got a text once asking about what time a table was booked for dinner and we’re we all meeting at Sarah’s (not real name). I asked her what she was on about and she said “Oh, I thought Betty had sent you an invite”, despite knowing she couldn’t have as she knew how many the table was booked for. It stings for sure.

Yuledo · 19/11/2021 00:23

I bet she’s considering her response.

BadNomad · 19/11/2021 00:46

I wonder if it was the acquaintance or the acquaintance's friend who arranged the activity though. Unless you all share the same friends I think it's normal that you won't be invited to everything.

Yogaandcocoa · 19/11/2021 02:20

Interested to see her response op. Your text was good.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/11/2021 02:39

Well done OP !
So rude and unkind of her. I hope you get a decent apology.

Oblomov21 · 19/11/2021 05:28

Why didn't you stand up for yourself? Both times. When the 2 other friends were discussing it you could have said 'actually I would have liked to go'. Didn't you think to invite me?

This would have prompted them to consider their actions, your friendship. Same with cheeky friend. Why don't you tell her how you feel, when the time is right.

Why are you letting yourself be walked all over friendship wise?

Oblomov21 · 19/11/2021 05:29

Glad you've sent text. Let's see what happens.

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