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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's cheeky for a friend to ask to stay over following an event I was excluded from?

128 replies

carlydurly · 18/11/2021 20:21

Friend of over a decade asked to stay a night last week following an evening activity nearby to me. She works near my house and it's far more convenient to get there from mine than hers, which is almost an hour away. We have a holiday annexe which isn't used at this time of year so she often asks to stay and isn't roughing it. I said yes, just presuming she was going with her work mates.

It's the kind of thing I would have really enjoyed, especially as I'm currently going through a bit of a shit time (which she knows) but I'd never have tried to invite myself. She then bailed at the last minute and didn't go, so no need to stay. Fine.

Anyway, turns out today from bumping into a mutual acquaintance she'd actually planned to go with her and another friend of the acquaintance. It wasn't a limited numbers situation, we've all been together to this kind of thing a couple of times before and had discussed going again. (I'm far less bothered about the acquaintance not inviting me than my friend of a decade.)

While it stings a bit to be unceremoniously dropped, i can't believe she'd then still attempt to use me for the post event accommodation knowing I'd been left out from something a) nice b) with someone I know and c) round the bloody corner! I can almost see the funny side but I'll need to tackle this somehow. She regularly asks to stay but I'm not up for being taken for a mug again. Tell me how you'd handle this!

OP posts:
pomers · 19/11/2021 20:13

I don’t think she is you friend. If you didn’t offer free accommodation I doubt you would hear from her

beallrightdahlin · 19/11/2021 22:37

Might it have been the case that your friend felt guilty at you not being invited and decided to drop out herself rather than partake?

HollowTalk · 19/11/2021 22:42

I don't think you should let her stay again. She's using you and actually sounds quite horrible.

carlydurly · 19/11/2021 23:00

@ChargingBuck aw thank you! That's pretty much the theme of the appraisal I had at work today, Smile

My job entails handling people situations so I should in theory be ok at it, but it's not really so easy when it affects you personally. Sometimes you just want to take the petty as fuck option. Grin

She's not a bad person. I wouldn't have been friends with her so long if that were the case. She does, however, have cf tendencies and at best was thoughtless in this case. I don't plan on making any more of it all with the acquaintance but that's fine, I can shrug and let that one go.

Thank you all for sharing your views.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/11/2021 23:30

OP,

You do sound great and measured, which are great skills to have.

The ability to know not to sweat the small bumps in friendships and when to throw a bad one overboard is a great gift.

This isn't the worst of friends, but she really isn't an asset.

Best to spend your time on investigating friendships that with see you through future decades.

The menopause ditches LOTS of friendships in my experience so if you are peri...ses this as a useful exercise.

This type of bullshit will NOT survive the menopause IMO.
Flowers

Dnaltocs · 19/11/2021 23:37

I’d tell her you know and ask why. Then say you’re disappointed.
Then refuse her requests when/if she asks to stay over.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/11/2021 23:38

Tell her to go and stay over the night at one her acquaintances (after the event) seeing as she gets on so well with them

saraclara · 19/11/2021 23:51

[quote carlydurly]@MrsSkylerWhite I know, right. We're in a popular area so you're looking at over £100 per night for the room in high season. It's really nice. She's not daft.[/quote]
I've lost touch with a group of friends who are spread over the country now. They kind of disappeared within a year or so of me being widowed, and I no longer get invited up to stay for the usual parties etc and they don't take me up on invitations for occasions here.

But I live near a budget airline airport. I think you can guess the rest.

Oh, and more often than not, whatever the plan, somehow they don't turn up until early evening at best, and have to dash for their early flights in the morning.

I don't think they actually dislike me. I'm just not a fit for their social life any more. But I'm fine to visit when they need a night near the aiport.

billy1966 · 19/11/2021 23:55

Oh @saraclara you read as such a nice woman on MN, I hope you don't allow them to use you.

Flowers
immersivereader · 19/11/2021 23:59

I really don't get how you could genuinely be that oblivious but there we go.
^

You can't. She knew. She's not an idiot

saraclara · 20/11/2021 00:00

@billy1966

Oh *@saraclara* you read as such a nice woman on MN, I hope you don't allow them to use you.

Flowers

That's very sweet of you, @billy1966!

Covid has of course put a bit of a stop to it! But if it starts again, I think I might say something half-jokey/half-serious to make them stop and think at least.

It is nice to catch up with them though.

billy1966 · 20/11/2021 00:18

Suit yourself, as they say!Flowers

MammaMacgill87 · 20/11/2021 00:52

No, you can't stay.....that's it. no, zero explanation zero haggling zero guilt, just no. Oh but...no...I could just....no. but it's only this far away...and? No. People need to learn to just say no. ThenCF wouldn't exist. Next text faux asking but meaning do this for me? Two letters N O and leave it at that

sue20 · 20/11/2021 06:35

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

I'd call her out on it now.

Hi friend, I know it's cancelled, but I'm really pissed off you didn't invite me to join you all when you were going out. I'm also feeling a bit used with regards to you staying with me.

See what she says, at least this way, when you refuse to host her again it won't come as a surprise to her

This is a good idea. It will otherwise develop into underlying resentment. There might be a good reason. If not then you can make a decision about the friend
sue20 · 20/11/2021 06:37

@MammaMacgill87

No, you can't stay.....that's it. no, zero explanation zero haggling zero guilt, just no. Oh but...no...I could just....no. but it's only this far away...and? No. People need to learn to just say no. ThenCF wouldn't exist. Next text faux asking but meaning do this for me? Two letters N O and leave it at that
It’s already not happening.
carlydurly · 20/11/2021 08:23

@billy1966 funny you say that! Just wondering if I'm peri menopausal. My bullshit tolerance has definitely plummeted of late. It's actually quite helpful at work.

And @saraclara totally sympathise. When we moved here we got a lot of old acquaintances trying to arrange to visit in the summer hols with their dcs "don't worry, you'll barely see us, we'll just use you as a base" came out a lot. I had to put a stop to that. It was like hosting sandy ghosts. Strictly the friends and family who'd actually want to hang out with us are invited now. (Usually)

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 20/11/2021 08:56

Sandy ghosts 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

ChargingBuck · 20/11/2021 09:40

This type of bullshit will NOT survive the menopause IMO.

Ah, the gift of low oestrogen levels. It just keeps giving ... :)
I look back & wonder WTF I was playing at, appeasing CF's & obnoxious men in my 20's & 30's.

The joy, the unfettered JOY, of not giving a fuck ...

ChargingBuck · 20/11/2021 09:46

"don't worry, you'll barely see us, we'll just use you as a base"

Never a truer word spoken with the "just use".
I had a bit of this when I moved to a remote & rural area of outstanding etc.
Eventually telling one persistent fucker "no Dave, it won't be happening because I won't willingly put myself alone in a room with you. No, it's not that I'm scared of you because of course you'd never call yourself a rapist but your creepyness is persistent & exhausting, don't ever ask again."

It was like hosting sandy ghosts.
Grin Grin Grin

billy1966 · 20/11/2021 10:31

@ChargingBuck

"The joy, the unfettered JOY, of not giving a fuck...."

.....one Woman's journey through menopause.....😂😂

A great title for a book👍

zingally · 20/11/2021 11:32

Cheeky bitch.

I have a friend of 20+ years who really took advantage recently as well. I agreed to dogsit her dog at my flat overnight a month or so back, so she and her fam could attend a family event. A flat isn't really conducive to a dog, but actually he was really good at well-behaved, but that isn't the point.

She dropped him off at 9 in the morning and swore up and down she'd pick him up at lunchtime the next day.
The next morning I got up early to walk him so he could have a wee/poo at 7:30. Then it gets to 12:30 and I text her asking if she'll be here soon?
No, we're still an hour away.
So dog needs another wee/poo walk.
3pm she texts.
I'm just giving the kids some lunch at home. I'll be there soon.

She rocks up at 3:30 with her DD in tow, so I can't be too pissy. Thing is, she would have had to literally drive past my flat to get home, so why didn't she just quickly stop off, 3 mins to grab the dog and say thanks, then go home with the kids?

A few weeks later, we had a few drinks, and I did tell her I was annoyed.
Needless to say, I will be "busy" when the topic of dog-sitting comes up next!

Thisisnotreallymyname · 20/11/2021 12:39

I’d invent a reason, that I was no longer going to be there and say sorry you could no longer accommodate her.

Insanelysilver · 20/11/2021 23:06

I’m sorry you’re going through a sh”t time. She sounds like a big disappointment in the friend department! You deserve way better X

Theplantisgrowing · 20/11/2021 23:19

You sound lovely OP as does Saraclara.

Love Sandy Ghosts! I want that name! 🤣

ikeptgoing · 22/11/2021 07:30

It's good you raised it with friend @carlydurly

I'd still be inclined to be unavailable each time she asks to stay as there is an element of user in that. She shouldn't be asking to stay when she's arranging her nights out that don't involve you and also she isn't inferring for you to stay at hers at all.

I love the description of it feels like "hosting sandy ghosts " when other cheeky CF's ask to stay for free jn your business annexe rental ....
that's the problem with people asking for favours and using yours as a base, it becomes inequitable and a user relationship unless you have invited them. Inviting someone once doesn't mean you are free holiday destination forever more!

I have this issue (but my annexe bedroom isn't a rental) with suddenly people asking to stay and arrive late evening when they are going to events down my way near the coast and not understanding that it costs me to host them, to clean and prepare, DCs and I will be asleep by then and I have a busy life with work and DCs as it is. I don't want my weekend taken over by others when I haven't invited them.

I've even had friends want to turn up 2am after a wedding (im not going to) to stay at mine when I'm away and saying I could leave key out for them!! ShockHmm
Errrr not happening....