AIBU Husband's No Name For Me

[bringmeanother]

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with my DH. He never uses my name and doesn't have a diminutive or lovey dovey name for me. He refers to me by "you". To his work colleagues by phone I'm " the wife". Married over 20 years.

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@Unicornsanctuary

I’d just start referring to him as ‘my first husband’ in conversations. And call him ‘Derek’. Unless that’s his actual name, obv.

You’ve just forgotten his actual name, and it’s hardly worth learning it at this stage in the process of interviewing for an upgrade.

🤣🤣

My husband does this too. I hate it. He literally just starts talking to me without getting my attention, I find it so rude.
He uses my name to other people, just never calls me anything. I've spoken to him about it but it hasn't made any difference.

my dh uses my name but i have anickname for him

i hate saying my name makes me cringe

What does he call you when he wants something or shouts from a different room.

Sat on the loo and he needs toilet paper, what does he say 'you, do we any have toilet paper, I can't find any' surely he doesn't say 'wife, so we have any....'

@bringmeanother Given your update, this has gone from lighthearted to serious, very fast :( I'm so sorry that's horrendous. YOU should be his soulmate

Interesting thread. My DH calls me "honey" or żona (Polish for wife, but this is in a jokey way); it would be very noticeable if he did use my name! I call him by his name and diminutives of it.

How does he get your attention if you're not in the same room??

How bizarre that so many people dont use names. We always call each other by name, I cant imagine not doing unless its a nickname.

My husband only gets his name when I need him for something or in cross 😬

I should know, this many years in, that there would be others on MN who find it hard to use people's names.

I called the OH by his actual name the other day, he spent quite some time taking the piss afterwards. He found it hilarious.

I don't know why using peoples names is so uncomfortable for me?

Mostly I speak directly to him, if I need his attention it'll be one of hundreds of specific & non specific nicknames or terms of affection

No Problem using his name to others.

I get called by by name when we're together (or sometimes boss), When in the company of friends its often Boss and when referring to me I'm 'Senior Management'' (the girls were 'Junior Management').

@ColinRobinson
🤣🤣🤣

"TacoTues
Sorry had to ask....

What about during sex? 
Trying to think of a scenario in which using the other person's name would happen during sex.

No, can't imagine."

just us then.

We both have single syllable names so maybe that's the difference?

Like it's not porno "Matt, Matt, Oh Matt" "Kate, Kate, Oh Kate" but it's easy to add the name in during a passionate comment.

I guess if I was Philomena and he was Sebastian it'd be a different story.

My husband is like this (although he wouldn't say THE wife!), he doesn't use people's names directly to them if he can avoid it, my mum has picked up on it as has our son. I'm not fussed on having a lovey dovey name!

I thought it was odd but I remember a thread on here where loads of people said they were the same, it's a thing apparently. My husband doesn't mean anything personally by it, he can't explain exactly why he does it (I don't think he was aware until it was pointed out, he's quite introverted, I think it's related to that for him)

I’m one of these people. And DP is one of the people who like to call a waiter by their first name or if someone has been super helpful on the phone he’ll ask for their name and then say “thank you xyz you’ve been very helpful”. Makes me cringe hard! He did once ask me to say his name during sex. So I sort of mumbled “oh yeah Jon… athon” (not real name!) and then promptly hated myself and never did it again

On a serious note though, when your man met his “soulmate” WTF was that all about? Did he actually cheat with her before you married and you forgave him? Did he ever use your name before that? And are you concerned that the lack of using a name says something about that, eg that he’s worried he’ll accidentally say her name?

I do feel like a little part of me is hesitant to say DP’s name in case I accidentally say XH instead! And both XH and DP have used their exes names with me, it happens, just habit but I guess when it’s someone as potentially explosive as a self-declared ‘soulmate’ I can see why he would want to mitigate the risk.

My husband and I mostly use nicknames for each other but I still use his name when I'm taking to other people.
If he called me you it would piss me off. I'd actually ask him if he knows your name.

My dad always calls my mum love. They've been married over 50 years and I've not once heard him call her by her name.

We call each other by our names. No pet names here.

What does he do if he needs to get your attention?

My husband would never refer to me as 'the wife'. In conversation he may say to sosomeone, 'my wife'.

The in law uses the sickening 'wifey' 🤢

I feel there may be more to not saying your name. I feel this is deeper.

There’s nothing on MN that isn’t.

AIBU to be pissed off that OH oversalts the peas?

I think that it might be about more than seasoning. I feel this is deeper.

I don't like being called love, babe etc. My DH calls me by my name and if he referred to me as the wife, he'd be given an earful.

My MIL, used to introduce me as this is "DHs name wife", I used to say actually I have my very own name and it's "offthefence".

Obviously a lot going on for you OP.

We call each other mum and dad out of habit due to the kids. My grandparents used to do it too though so seems normal to me. Or I might call him dear and me darling. But we use each items names if the other can't hear and have to shout to the other room or when talking to others

I'm in the same boat and have been married over 30 years and I'm 100% sure it's a sign that all is not well.
It's disrespectful and loveless and makes me so mad but it was years before I noticed and then didn't register the significance.
I think pet names or endearments would be lovely and why should it even matter whether your partner likes your name or not.
It's very hurtful to be on the receiving end.

''The wife'' urghhhhhhhhh vile. Like ''her indoors''.

My husband calls me Pig, or Piglet:

"Piglet, have you seen my scarf anywhere?"

He must call you something!

Ooh yeah, that would really annoy me too @bringmeanother I’m all for terms of endearment but they should never replace actual names completely! And for TWENTY years 😱

My dh uses a pet name, I joke often that I don't think he actually knows what my name is!

Whip your phone out, turn the volume up to the max and play The Ting Tings "That's Not My Name" song without even looking at him till he addresses you by your name. If he refers to you as "she" in the presence of other people without using your name in the first instance I'd whip back with the time honoured "Who, the cat's mother?" used by generations of grannies to instil manners in small children.