Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

Your MIL obviously can't veto, but your DH can, for whatever reason he chooses.

Of all the names in all the world - does it really have to be this one?

Don't use it. Your DHs uncle is already using it. It would be weird to name him the same would it not?

Just name him what you want call him the nickname in front of her it's not like she will look at his birth certificate
Just say you have went for Ben and that's that
My mum said she hated the name I picked for my DD whilst we were still in the deciding stage i just ignored her I also learnt not to tell anyone what you have decided to call your baby as everyone has an opinion

Will she ever see the birth certificate? Just tell her you have called him by the nickname/short version you have chosen for example a friend of mine called her daughter "beth" (not real name) most people assume its short for Elizabeth it's actually not her birth certificate states Beth

It would be weird to name him the same would it not?

I genuinely don’t see why.

Does she take her spats with you out on the kids?

No but she goes AWOL for long periods. DS1 was too young to remember last time but I think if she did it again it would really hurt him snd that would be it for us.

Well she doesn't have the "right" to veto it, of course.

But I think it would be a bit unkind to use it in these circumstances and would probably only provoke more difficult dynamics. If it were me, I wouldn't. It's not worth it.

There are so many names you can choose from, there must be another that would work.

I'm normally all for calling your baby what you want. It's your choice.

In this situation, I don't agree though. You don't know what's happened between your MIL and her brother and to call your baby the name of the brother would be cruel. Whether she went to your wedding or not, I would not do this.

I don’t think I would feel comfortable lying to her btw. I just couldn’t I wouldn’t feel right and she would definitely find out another way.

@RosiePosieDozy

Please read my previous posts

She sounds really difficult and unpleasant tbh and no she has no right to veto your children's names. Why would you give her that power.

She didn't come to your wedding because she disapproved of you, she doesn't speak to a whole part of the family. She might at some point in the future decide she doesn't approve of you again. or something you've done or one of your children and stop speaking to your family.

Just give your child the name you want, obviously your DH can veto the name and there's not a lot you can do about that if he does, but, in your shoes, I'd be very reluctant to bow to this woman's opinion.

So you want to give your child a name that their grandparent has very negative feelings about? Accept that you might not know the full story as you weren’t there.
It’s your child . Make them whatever you want bunt understand it might impact the kind of relationship they will have.
What’s the point of the backstory if you’ve all made up? Is it so we can see how unreasonable she is?
Come on, there’s bound to be an alternative name

The focus is being put on how MIL will feel if you use this name.
The focus should be put on how YOU will feel if you don't use it. Will you always wish you had chosen it, will you feel that a 'second choice name' is exactly that, how will you feel if when your MIL inevitably falls out with you over some other triviality and you have given in to her over a name you love?

This is a woman with form for falling out with people, that is her character - she's not going to change, She didn't come to your wedding because she didn't approve of you - that is hugely disrespectful, why should you respect her now?
The name will not affect her 'mental health' as a PP has suggested - she is simply throwing a wobbly because she can't get her own way. And people walk on eggshells round her because she throws wobblies to get what she wants.

If you pander to people like this they think they get to have a say in things that are your life and your choices, When in fact it is absolutely none of their business. What other life choice will she decide she gets to dictate over - where you live, where you children go to school, what job you have, etc etc. ?

You have considered her feelings and decided that they don't trump your feelings. And that is what you tell her. She then has a choice of how she reacts. It is up to her whether she flounces off, never speaks to you again, or is unkind to your child. You haven't made that choice for her. She can be silly or she can get over herself, and your future choices about whether to include her in your life will take account of her reaction on this occasion.

This woman will fall out with you at some point whether you chose this name or not, it is certain. People who have constant fall outs do it for the drama, they thrive on that conflict and drama and if there is none they will invent it. She has shown her true character in the past, she has to decide whether getting the hump over a name is worth her losing her relationship with her grandchildren. How she behaves is not your responsibility it it hers. Your responsibility is to give your children as much love and care as is humanly possible and that includes giving them a name that you feel is perfect.

You don't negotiate with people who threaten bad behaviour if they don't get their way.

If we don’t use the name I would like him to maybe explain to her that it’s our preferred name we aren’t fucking using despite all the awful shit she’s done…I feel v annoyed about it now; my mother has wound me up a bit. My father was abusive and she said if someone wants to use her name it’s none of her business and MIL is being outrageous.

DH was really on my side when she didn’t come to wedding/ sent round photos of me to family members in a bid to get them on side calling off wedding etc (yes, really).

Although it’s just occurred to me that the preferred name has the same ending as another son’s name so maybe it won’t fit as well with them as the variant.

Use the name.

Seriously, it will probably be the best single thing you EVER do in this 'relationship' (with your MIL).

The moment you draw a fucking big boundary with pathetic, stirring, self-obsessed nasty little bullies, the tone changes.

And you need it to change before your children, who it seems you ideally would want her to have a relationship with, get any older.

Why you want this slice of poison in your life, when it's clear she's actively tried to sabotage your family and her son's happiness, I do not know. But I get it's complicated.

One thing however is not at all complicated.

If after everything this utter cow has done, you carry on appeasing, you'll NEVER have a peaceful time of it. She'll push on parenting, celebrations, everything. She deserved to be cut off for the wedding, you didn't do so. You say you walk on eggshells now. No shit Sherlock!

If you roll over and lose the name you want for YOUR SON because of this woman, you'll end up hating her even more.

If you carry on rolling over on very big issues - she will never ever get easier to manage.

There is only one way to make her easier to manage and that is to stand up to her. No eggshells. A very firm - if you don't like it - there's the door.

She won't use the door, because she wants to be in your lives. That's YOUR GIFT - take that power. And use it to shut her up.

Use the name. Tell your H that she's lucky she wasn't cut off over the wedding, you've forgiven that, tell her now will be her turn to get over something. He goes in to bat. You have the name you love. And MIL can learn, finally, that you don't create good family relationships through bullying.

I would pick another name but then tell tee that’s the last time you are pandering to her behaviour and then distance yourself from her.

does she really have the right to do this?!
no

But the real question really is "Who is taking orders from who in this triangular relationship?"

You MIL seems to think she has power over you and your husband. That's bonkers.

You don't accept your MIL as having power over you (quite right!).
Your husband seems to accept his mum as having power over him (bonkers! not healthy)

The next question-mark is: between you and your husband, who has power over the other? This is what's at stake here. This is what needs resolving.
In a healthy relationship, the right answer is: nobody, you're a team of equals, you make decisions together, no one gets to win.
This is what's at stake in this (seemingly innocent) naming decision. How power is distributed in your couple, and whether this power is hander over to a third party.

Your MIL is injecting poison in your relationship by forcing your husband to choose between her and you. That's really nasty, and probably quite deliberate. Nice, sensible people don't do that.

Use the name. It’s your child. She’s just a nasty hag who actively campaigned to get you ousted from the family for having the audacity to fall in love with her son. She’s crackers.

What’s the point of the backstory if you’ve all made up? Is it so we can see how unreasonable she is?

It’s totally relevant to why I don’t feel
Compelled to be overly obliging, and if I didn’t include context I would be accused of drip feeding

I don’t think she has the right to say yes or no, it’s not her choice. That being said, I wouldn’t use it. I purposefully ruled out all names of close relatives unless we were actually naming the child after that person (which we weren’t). I haven’t re-used any names from aunts/ uncles/ cousins even though some of the names I really like.

@SoupDragon

her preferences on a name

It's not really a preference is it? It has negative connotations for her.

It is her preferences, she doesnt want that name for a child because she’s had a squabble with a person with the same name. But it’s not about her. She’s had her moment, named her children. Now it’s time for OP and her husband and if they like the name, they like the name. She needs to grow up and fit in with their life as they chose to live it.

Your child, your name choice, and if there is no viable reason to not call your child the name you love, then I'd be even more determined. Giving way over stuff like this will run and run until she is controlling your lives. I'd be nipping it in the bud now, don't discuss names with her and just tell her when baby arrives.
If she is so petty to strop about it then I'd be glad to cut the drama queen loose tbh.

Ultimately, give your baby a name that you love. But for the sake of maintaining peace, I think you might be able to find another one you love, from all the millions of names in the world. If this was genuinely a situation of only loving that name, of course you give your child that name, but I find it hard to believe that with a bit of work you couldn't find another one.

She will just have to suck it up, and in any case will almost certainly come to change her mind. (Unless of course she’s determined not to, in which case, tough.).

The absolute worst, most evil little bully at my senior school had a fairly unusual name, which I loathed - until I met a female friend I really liked, so the associations changed completely. I’m still friends with her decades later.

To phrase it like "she has the right to veto" is quite confrontational, perhaps unnecessarily so in a family situation.

@AmyDudley

Very thought provoking post, thank you x

Ok so if the name were (for the sake of argument, not me thinking it the most likely of the list given by another poster) Theo (as Theobald might be described as a bit silly) so could you make a case for preferring Theodore as there are more options for nicknames (Ted, Teddy) down the line, you know if Theo Yourlastname turned out to be the next Harry Potter, or Alexa or mass murderer or something... and so although he will only be known as Theo you just want to use that longer name just in case...

Would this go down ok possibly with dh/mil at all?

I would use the nickname. My DS has the shortened version of a longer name because we preferred it and didn't see the point of naming him something we'd never use.