Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

This is your son so your choice. You love the name so it’s not like your doing it to spite her! At the moment it has negative connotations for her because of the association with her brother but the problem isn’t caused by his name.

She won’t feel like that when it’s her grandson who hasn’t done anything wrong.

My advice would be to say nothing now and see how you feel when he’s born.

If you choose that name, tell her when she’s first holding him. She will be so in love I bet she wouldn’t care.

I’d defy anyone to be upset in those circumstances but if she is that’s on her, not you.

I would say it's not a hill to die on.
She may be Batshit crazy, she might be fully justified.
Either way, to choose the name of her brother who she doesn't speak to really isn't worth the next however many years of hassle.
There are thousands of names, pick one

Give him a name that no-one else has. One that will be his alone in the family. We have two names used several times in ours and it gets frickin confusing to know who we're talking about, especially for elder relatives.

Then how about giving him the favourite name as a middle name. And calling him by the nickname you like.

Your MIL can't veto names but your DH can

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds.

It's annoying for you though.

@RabitWhole

Er tell your MIL to do one? This is the woman who didn't come to your wedding because she didn't approve of you and didn't speak to you for months? Why should you care at all what she thinks of anything to do with your life?

You owe her nothing OP. Call your baby whatever you want, if she has an issue with that, that is her problem!

I agree 100% with this. And your DH needs to back you up. Obviously.

There are literally thousands of names. Why pick the one name that will cause upset?

Because I have been through thousands of names and this is my preferred one by quite some way.

To everyone asking about the brother - he was not abusive. She did not fall out with him. She fell out with her father and stepmother over money and he took their side (as did all her siblings she also doesn’t speak to). It’s very clear. I wish people on MN didn’t always paint their own narrative.

I think the thing also colouring this is DH likes this name but doesn’t like the other version of it. But he will just have to suck it up and use the other version if This is the way of it.

If we don’t use the name I would like him to maybe explain to her that it’s our preferred name we aren’t fucking using despite all the awful shit she’s done…I feel v annoyed about it now; my mother has wound me up a bit. My father was abusive and she said if someone wants to use her name it’s none of her business and MIL is being outrageous.

DH was really on my side when she didn’t come to wedding/ sent round photos of me to family members in a bid to get them on side calling off wedding etc (yes, really).

Although it’s just occurred to me that the preferred name has the same ending as another son’s name so maybe it won’t fit as well with them as the variant.

There were a few family names we liked that got vetoed for various reasons.

I tend to agree with a previous poster that there must be some dysfunction going on in that family for you MIL/the dynamics to be what they are (says a person with the same scenario in mine and DH's family - combination of 'difficult people' and 'complex situations.') Everyone has a version of "their truth" too.

I suppose I'd be focusing on whether I wanted my child's name to be one associated in some way with that morass. I think on that basis, I'd choose something else.

It's not about placating the MIL as such. I wouldn't want her thinking she'd exerted the control to make me change it (lol) either from what you've said. But I'd choose something else, unless the name had significance in my family too. (Does it? NO ggg grandfathers out there?!)

Of course she doesn't have the right to tell you what to name your child.

But do you really want your child's grandmother to have an awkward relationship with him because the name has such bad connotations for her? Is that a hill to die on?

You'll never know exactly why they fell out - it's between them. But it could be for worse reasons than you think. I wouldn't want to weigh down your child with someone else's baggage.

My sister's name was one that my parents both really liked but they were reluctant because it was also the name of an aunt who they didn't particularly want to name their daughter after. In the end they stuck with the name anyway, and my sister was my sister, and her name was her name. No one thought of the aunt when referring to my sister.

So, I would say, stick to the name you like and tell your MIL that it is in no way being named "after" the uncle, it's just a coincidence. Eventually everyone will forget about it and it will become your son's name.

Btw I really appreciate the amount of responses everyone - thank you

@appleturnovers

My sister's name was one that my parents both really liked but they were reluctant because it was also the name of an aunt who they didn't particularly want to name their daughter after. In the end they stuck with the name anyway, and my sister was my sister, and her name was her name. No one thought of the aunt when referring to my sister.

So, I would say, stick to the name you like and tell your MIL that it is in no way being named "after" the uncle, it's just a coincidence. Eventually everyone will forget about it and it will become your son's name.

I tend to agree with this.

Unless the uncle is the sort of person who would go on and on about how the baby had been named after him.

Stop tying yourself in knots like this. Use the name. You'll regret giving her any say if you don't. What will she want a say in next? Where your child goes to preschool or to school?

I agree with your mother. Fuck MIL's opinion. She has treated you badly and even boycotted your wedding. She sounds like a complete arse anyway.

Start setting the boundaries now by using the name you want to use. Tell her to bugger off if she protests.

To everyone asking about the brother - he was not abusive. She did not fall out with him. She fell out with her father and stepmother over money and he took their side (as did all her siblings she also doesn’t speak to). It’s very clear. I wish people on MN didn’t always paint their own narrative.

This was a perfectly valid thing to explore - it’s not necessarily people writing their own narrative, it’s just that context does matter if you want to get nuanced, thoughtful answers that have considered all aspects.

Now that you have cleared up that it is, in fact, down to a petty disagreement and not a horrible back story between them (at least as far as you know) my advice would be that if you really love the name then you absolutely should still go for it.

You have to balance the desire to use this name which you love, and should be able to call your baby, with the deterioration of the improved relationship with MIL. She is totally in the wrong, but is the fallout worth it?
No right or wrong answer here, just what you are prepared for in coming years. If the MIL will be doing childcare, that would tip me in her favour.

Tell her to bugger off. Or tell her that his full name is the version she doesn't mind and put the one you actually like on the birth certificate.

Now that you have cleared up that it is, in fact, down to a petty disagreement and not a horrible back story between them (at least as far as you know) my advice would be that if you really love the name then you absolutely should still go for it

I wish I had been clearer in the OP

I think it depends how serious you are in improving the relationship with your mil. Ultimately you might think you know why she doesn’t talk to her brother but you can’t know for sure - for example DB and I usually fall out / don’t communicate over seemingly tiny things but it started because he used to beat me (he’s a lot younger and this started when he turned 14 because he could). Once he even threw me down the stairs. No way would I tell my DS or DN about that though.

It doesn’t matter - it’s not a courtroom and we don’t always think to include everything that might be relevant in the OP...you’ve had lots of comments from every perspective and you’ll be able to evaluate those and decide on what you think is right for you. 🙂

When I was pregnant with both DS I wanted a peaceful atmosphere around me and be calm within myself as I believe the yet to be born baby absorbs the energy and feels/hears what goes on around you. To think he is already surrounded by stress and negative energy before being born over his future name would make me hit that issue straight on the head for his well being. There must be another name that is equally beautiful and creates none of this drama. Not saying it's your fault OP but the baby doesn't deserve any negative energy whatsover that can be avoided, especially whilst he's growing.

Of course she cannot veto it. You know this, and you know you have a DH problem as it sounds like he doesn't have your back?

Tell him that is what the baby will be called. If MIL says anything tell her not to worry, if she doesn't want to see her GC because of a name she can fuck off.

Seriously what is wrong with these people?

I do agree with PP that this is why you NEVER NEVER discuss baby names before announcing them as a done and dusted deal. Too late for you OP but might help other posters reading this.

Oh, and a good friend of mine facing this level of drama over her baby DDs name ended up telling her MIL "Don't worry MIL, you will be dead soon so you won't have to deal with it for long."

Not saying you should do that of course but she was driven to it (huge back story)

So MIL is NC with her brother.
And YOU mention you’re NC with your own brother.
You have 2, soon 3, sons.
If you would be okay with some future DIL giving a child your brother’s name, YANBU.
If you would ask her not to, YABU.
Because otherwise, we really know shite about any of these relationships. Whether MIL is a “bad guy” or you’re some horrible, controlling spouse she has reason to dislike (I mean, hopefully not, but you might be). So just go by the rule of not being a hypocrite.

If you would be okay with some future DIL giving a child your brother’s name, YANBU

I would be absolutely fine with it!

I’m not a horrible controlling spouse she’s just difficult and DH was the golden child and she was livid someone dared “take him away”. That’s it. I’ve really bent over backwards to be kind and a lot of people wouldn’t see her after the things she’s done but I think it’s nice for DH and the children and for her 🤷🏻‍♀️ But this feels like a step too far because it’s important to me

How rich is MIL? I think it's relevant this case.

"but I think it’s nice for DH and the children and for her"

Really?

I mean it depends how often it spills over & affects the kids.

Does she take her spats with you out on the kids?

Keeping her at arms length might be a good idea if she's unpredictable.