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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People dumping things they don't want on you

105 replies

curlyrebel · 17/11/2021 21:08

I'm getting a bit fed up of being given stuff that family and friends don't want anymore. I've got 2 small DC so some hand-me-downs are admittedly useful and well received but there's also a lot that aren't.

I don't always know if they're going to want them so I usually say ok, but then things just sit there unworn or unused and taking up space I don't have. I'm trying to declutter but it's impossible when second hand stuff is coming our way so often!
The kids cupboards are packed with clothes and most of them we haven't bought!

Once a friend messaged to ask if I wanted her DCs stuff. I forgot to reply and she just showed up with it next time I saw her!

Another time a friend gave me some dresses suited for formal occasions. I tried to say no but she wasn't having it. They sat there for a couple of years before my DD could fit into them and she's only worn one. Id probably get good money for them but don't have the time to sell online.

My SIL recently visited from another country with a suitcase of clothes and sleepwear for my DS. Did she ask me before if I wanted them? No.

We've also had sleeping bags, pillow cases, old toys including small pieces of Lego, books, dressing gowns, bags, coats, toiletries and a coat for DH...that's all just in the last year.

So are people taking the piss or AIBU here?

OP posts:

Aimee1987 · 17/11/2021 21:11

I think it comes from a good place.
If you dont want it stick it on marketplace for free or drop it off at a charity shop.

MissMinutes24 · 17/11/2021 21:12

It doesn't come from a good place. They're cheeky fuckers who can absolve themselves by dumping their old crap on you.

Say no and be absolutely firm about it. If they ignore you then, where possible, drop it back on their doorstep with a note.

littleowls83 · 17/11/2021 21:13

Either say no thank you or sort what you want and give the rest away to someone who will be grateful for it. Lots of people get no help at all and would appreciate clothes for their DC.

Bluntness100 · 17/11/2021 21:13

Oh I don’t know if I’m being grumpy tonight , but what part of I usually say ok or I forgot to respond, makes you think the issue here isn’t you? And that simoly saying no thank you. End of.

Gassylady · 17/11/2021 21:14

This is very annoying if they haven’t had the curtesy to ask then when do you feel you can’t say no?
I would just say no thank you we don’t have the space to store it until it is the right size. Letting it into the house means it’s your issue to sort. If it never gets in then it stays theirs to sort

MiloAndEddie · 17/11/2021 21:16

I hear you! You get a bag of crap and then only one thing in the bag is useful. Then as you say it becomes your bloody problem to get rid of. I’ve tried being stronger but people get all offended when you say you don’t want it

MiloAndEddie · 17/11/2021 21:17

But also I take clothes to the clothes bank if I don’t want them. Easier than pissing about at the charity shop and gets it gone. Most supermarkets have the big banks in car park

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/11/2021 21:18

Just say you don't want it.

Eg -
Hello I have bought you a bag of random shit.

No thanks - I don't need them.

Oh but theres... whatever shite they utter.
No I don't want them. There's an oxfam on the High St, take them there.

notanothertakeaway · 17/11/2021 21:18

@MissMinutes24

It doesn't come from a good place. They're cheeky fuckers who can absolve themselves by dumping their old crap on you.

Say no and be absolutely firm about it. If they ignore you then, where possible, drop it back on their doorstep with a note.

Not necessarily

I pass things on to a younger cousin frequently. But, always on the basis I don't mind what she does with it, and I'll never ask for it back. She can keep what she wants, sell or give away the rest. This arrangement works for her and for me

chonkybuoy · 17/11/2021 21:18

My DM does this.

Things she feels are sentimental, either from my childhood (that I have no recollection of ever seeing), or dead relatives old shoes or clothes.

They go straight in the charity bag. I've told her this is what I do with them, but she continues to give them to me, probably because she doesn't want to have to take them to the charity shop/tip herself.

LubaLuca · 17/11/2021 21:27

Our parents are terrible for this. Last time my husband visited his parents without me he came home with a 1980s Yamaha keyboard with no power cable. They thought he was bound to have the right lead, which he obviously didn't. Also, he can't play a keyboard and I have a piano . He was also given loads of his dad's clothes that are now too big because he's been unwell, cord trousers and zip-up cardigans, which obviously went straight in the charity bag.

My dad sulked when I wouldn't take a huge Welsh dresser from them when they downsized. He saves up his subscription magazines that I have no interest in to give me in huge stacks, which I've asked him not to do, but he just can't put them in his own recycling bin, they must go in mine.

They all seem to think our house is a depository for their unwanted crap.

NoSquirrels · 17/11/2021 21:31

@Bluntness100

Oh I don’t know if I’m being grumpy tonight , but what part of I usually say ok or I forgot to respond, makes you think the issue here isn’t you? And that simoly saying no thank you. End of.

If Bluntness is grumpy then I am too.

I don't always know if they're going to want them so I usually say ok

If you usually say OK, people will reasonably think you like taking things and keep doing it.

If you usually say no thanks, people will stop it.

cormorantes · 17/11/2021 21:31

I have had to say to family on more than one occasion " if you leave that here I will take it to the tip" Be blunt. Annoying if you do end up having to make a tip trip though!

Fallagain · 17/11/2021 21:31

PIL used to me like this until we absolutely refused everything they try to give to us.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/11/2021 21:34

Its because they can't be bothered to go to a charity shop or the dump.
One of my ex husbands is a hoarder and will only get rid of stuff if he gives it to somebody. Its always horrendous crap.
I learnt just to say no thank you very firmly and give it back to them.

HumphreyCobblers · 17/11/2021 21:37

We call this reverse mugging.

You have to get tough and say no!

Arabiannights01 · 17/11/2021 21:45

Omg I hear you! Absolutely cannot stand this anymore myself and struggling to be polite about it. They also think that they are doing be a favour which is not the case at all. I don’t have time to take it to a charity shop, or sell it. That’s the last thing I am going to spend my free time doing. Grr

claymodels · 17/11/2021 21:47

I don't know if it comes form a good place tbh. IME it comes from being ignorant about their own things. Assuming someone else will value/like/want them like they did.

FangsForTheMemory · 17/11/2021 21:57

I used to have a friend who had a lot of spare time on her hands. She would trawl the local charity shops for 'bargains' which she would then try to give to me. I had to say 'no thanks' in the end. I mean, I can find my own crap.

HerRoyalNotness · 17/11/2021 22:02

I the k I lost a friendship over this sort of thing.

My friend had a 9yo, I had a 2yo, she started giving me old clothes, roller blades, bike helmets. The first two lots I thanked her for. Met up with her for a swim and she opened the boot and had loads more stuff. I politely said maybe she knew someone closer in age she could pass too as I didn’t have room to store more stuff. Never saw her again.

It’s rude, and should only be passed on if the recipient wants it, then they can donate or use as they choose

Spacerader · 17/11/2021 22:07

Sorry if this sounds mean op, but I think this is a you problem. You just need to clearly say no thank you. If they turn up with stuff, say no thank you.

People probably assume you just want it because you always take it, or even when you say no you still end up taking it.

A simple, no thank you I don't need it, I have enough of my own cast offs to get rid of. Should do it.

Yummymummy2020 · 17/11/2021 22:08

I hear you! I just said we have to throw away a lot of what we have already and haven’t space for anything else and it would have to go into the dump if I took it!!!

CoodleMoodle · 17/11/2021 22:11

I had this too. I have a girl and a boy. Relative has two boys, both of whom are older than my DS (it goes her DS1, DD, her DS2, DS).

When DS was about 6mo she said she was having a clothing clear out and would I like anything. I said we had plenty but if she wanted to send a couple of bits that would be lovely. I was genuinely grateful at this stage, even though we really didn't need anything.

Twenty. Full. Binbags.

They turned up via another relative (she lives miles away, they live in the middle), and I was beyond gobsmacked. They just kept coming out of the car! We live in a small house and I had no idea where the hell it was going to go. At the time DS was still in with us so we just shoved it all in his room, but... I attempted to look through it but there was just too much. Ended up calling the BHF and they came in a van and took it all.

I hope she never offers again but if she does it'll be a thanks but no thanks!

SweetToothsAntlers · 17/11/2021 22:12

Lol. I'm a member of a local upcycling group full of vultures scrambling to resell. I just advertise it on there and leave it on my front step. I don't get into answering questions about it or arranging meetings. First come, first served. I have no idea why they want to piss about with bags full of random tat but they do. Some members of the group make a big effort to weed them out and find people that are going to use the items personally, so I think they're extra eager to be my tat collectors. My mum and MIL love to bury us in junk my kids and I don't want. I had to just stop caring about what happened next. If they ask about it, I just say it didn't fit, we passed it on and they're satisfied because it was "passed on" instead of binned.

MimiBearrg · 17/11/2021 22:12

You can send the items back with these people when they leave, you can donate these items, or just throw them away.

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