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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People dumping things they don't want on you

105 replies

curlyrebel · 17/11/2021 21:08

I'm getting a bit fed up of being given stuff that family and friends don't want anymore. I've got 2 small DC so some hand-me-downs are admittedly useful and well received but there's also a lot that aren't.

I don't always know if they're going to want them so I usually say ok, but then things just sit there unworn or unused and taking up space I don't have. I'm trying to declutter but it's impossible when second hand stuff is coming our way so often!
The kids cupboards are packed with clothes and most of them we haven't bought!

Once a friend messaged to ask if I wanted her DCs stuff. I forgot to reply and she just showed up with it next time I saw her!

Another time a friend gave me some dresses suited for formal occasions. I tried to say no but she wasn't having it. They sat there for a couple of years before my DD could fit into them and she's only worn one. Id probably get good money for them but don't have the time to sell online.

My SIL recently visited from another country with a suitcase of clothes and sleepwear for my DS. Did she ask me before if I wanted them? No.

We've also had sleeping bags, pillow cases, old toys including small pieces of Lego, books, dressing gowns, bags, coats, toiletries and a coat for DH...that's all just in the last year.

So are people taking the piss or AIBU here?

OP posts:
Whitney168 · 17/11/2021 22:13

@cormorantes

I have had to say to family on more than one occasion " if you leave that here I will take it to the tip" Be blunt. Annoying if you do end up having to make a tip trip though!
Sod that for a game of soldiers, tell them to take it to the tip themselves if they don’t want it - don’t have it cluttering YOUR house until YOU make an extra job for yourself!
Sh05 · 17/11/2021 22:16

You have to speak up and if they turn up with loads of stuff you don't want or need return it straight away.
My friend and I do alot of swapping of clothes but I send her pictures of the pieces I have and her DD will choose and she does the same. I let her know what I'd like. No bagloads and no upset

DeepaBeesKit · 17/11/2021 22:17

Oh I don’t know if I’m being grumpy tonight

Not this time bluntness! Bang on

Poppydoppy18 · 17/11/2021 22:19

I can’t give you advice on how to stop receiving more stuff but anything I put on Facebook marketplace for free usually gets picked up within a day 👍🏽

Stinkyslippers · 17/11/2021 22:21

Oh god,this used to be my mother
She’d hit the car boots and buy utter crap-stuff I’d be ashamed to throw away or broken (she once bought a travel cot that had no base-she fully expected me to use it)
We lived in a small house and it was getting silly
She’d go mental if I got rid of anything (even if they outgrew something,I was meant to keep it)
We where drowning in shite
I ended up nc

Piglet89 · 17/11/2021 22:22

@SweetToothsAntlers your post properly made me LOL!

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 17/11/2021 22:25

YANBU

I gave one family member who is terrible for this with tots and random tatt. The give the stuff directly to the kids so I can’t say no.

I don’t mind when people give me secondhand clothes, or ask me first. Just don’t give me tatt!

fourminutestosavetheworld · 17/11/2021 22:29

If I give something to someone it is with good motives.

What other motive can there be?

Just as easy to tip it in the skip as give it to you, and still gone from my life.

So I think you're being rather unkind and unpleasant, and I don't really know why you don't just tell these friends and family members that you don't want it instead of giving the impression you're ok with it (making them do it all the more) and then complaining about their thoughtfulness.

IncyWinceySpiderWillies · 17/11/2021 22:30

so I usually say ok

Say no. Problem solved. Ignore if they try to guilt trip you into taking their tat.

TokyoTen · 17/11/2021 22:35

You need to say "no thank you" and mean it.

DukkaDukka · 17/11/2021 22:37

But I don’t have the time or can be arsed to get rid of crap I didn’t want in the first place.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 17/11/2021 22:41

My mum is dreadful for this- She has a tendency to hoard clothes and seems to find it physically painful to let go of something that’s not actually torn, stained or worn out.

She’s tries to pass stuff on to my sister and I- we’re just being really blunt and refuse to take it.

Another bug bear of mine is that she hangs on to stuff that she could really let go to charity, and then the stuff she donates is in shit state. I know the charity shops can make some cash off rags, but it just seems really insulting expecting the staff to sort through bags and bags of worn out Primark crap because she can’t face putting it in the bin.

Summerfun54321 · 17/11/2021 22:46

Just sort through it there and then and hand back what you don’t want and make them take it back with them. My MIL turned up with a load of hand me downs once and I literally sorted through them on the doorstep and made her put stuff straight back in her car that I didn’t want.

Original poster
curlyrebel · 17/11/2021 23:02

Thanks for all your replies! To address some points...I know there are people who would love some of this stuff and honestly, I am grateful for some of what we've received.

I think most of the things people have given us are items they want to see go to a good home. But also it has got more difficult giving things away in the last year. There was a time when the charity shops were closed and the clothes banks were overflowing. My local charity shop has stopped taking donations. So definitely I've been given stuff that would otherwise have gone to one of these places.

Yes, maybe I should get firmer at saying no. But like I said, I don't always know if the stuff I've been offered will be useful/ liked. Also, I can see I'm not alone in this, but some people don't take no for an answer! @HerRoyalNotness I'm sorry you seemed to lose a friendship from saying no. Why are some people so bad at accepting you don't want their stuff?

OP posts:
cayennepepper · 17/11/2021 23:09

My mil tries to dump her crap on me saying she's never worn it it will look nice on me etc. Mind you she's in her late 60's and I'm very early 30's and I dress up like those ASOS models with pastel tracksuit bottoms, doc martens, beanie hat, yoga pants with socks pulled up over to the ankles etc and it annoys the hell out of me every time I go around there, she tries to hand me clothes even shoes where I'm size 7 and she tries to give me shoes for size 5 lol that I wouldn't wear even if I was 100 years old. I tell her to take it to the charity shop each time :)

Saz12 · 17/11/2021 23:09

Saying no to other people’s things can feel like you’re saying “yeah, I don’t want ANY of your stuff because you’ve terrible taste and it’s ALL it’s grubby and crap”.

You can turn it around “I’m sorry, but I’ve only a small house / tiny amount of cupboard space so I really can’t accept it”. Makes it about your “failings” and not theirs.

Original poster
curlyrebel · 17/11/2021 23:10

So I think you're being rather unkind and unpleasant, and I don't really know why you don't just tell these friends and family members that you don't want it instead of giving the impression you're ok with it (making them do it all the more) and then complaining about their thoughtfulness

Hmm not so good at doing quotes but I don't think I'm being unkind or unpleasant. I think it's perfectly ok to have a good rant without getting personal. Also I've already said im not always ok with it or don't always get asked.

OP posts:
GetEmOutByFriday · 17/11/2021 23:12

My MIL was terrible for this. She'd check with DH it was OK to come round and I got so desperate not to have the crappy bargains she'd picked up for us I'd say she was only welcome if she came empty handed. The last straw was a batch of broken toys she gave DS saying that clever mummy could fix them. Clever mummy had quite enough on her plate.

Leeds2 · 17/11/2021 23:12

@curlyrebel

Thanks for all your replies! To address some points...I know there are people who would love some of this stuff and honestly, I am grateful for some of what we've received.

I think most of the things people have given us are items they want to see go to a good home. But also it has got more difficult giving things away in the last year. There was a time when the charity shops were closed and the clothes banks were overflowing. My local charity shop has stopped taking donations. So definitely I've been given stuff that would otherwise have gone to one of these places.

Yes, maybe I should get firmer at saying no. But like I said, I don't always know if the stuff I've been offered will be useful/ liked. Also, I can see I'm not alone in this, but some people don't take no for an answer! @HerRoyalNotness I'm sorry you seemed to lose a friendship from saying no. Why are some people so bad at accepting you don't want their stuff?

If it's of any use, I had an email from British Heart Foundation yesterday saying that they would come to the house and collect donations. I had only ever used home collection for furniture stuff, but it seems they do bags of clothes etc too. Might be of use if you can gather a few bin bags together.
Original poster
curlyrebel · 17/11/2021 23:13

@cayennepepper too funny .
@Saz12 that's a good point and nice idea, thank you!

OP posts:
Mumwithbaggage · 17/11/2021 23:18

We used to get the fuck awful Michael de Leon pseudo designer tat from SIL. No,your taste is shite, don't send it my way.

SheilaWilcox · 17/11/2021 23:22

'Hoarding by proxy'

sunflowerroses · 17/11/2021 23:25

I've saved literally thousands by accepting things from family and friends am I do pass the decent stuff on to what i thought were grateful recipients - better check with the ones I do give stuff to! I do normally send photos but maybe they're not able to say no 🤷‍♀️

Thwackit · 17/11/2021 23:27

‘That’s very thoughtful but we aren’t in need and I have no room to store it so I’ll have to say no thanks.’ Then don’t let them go home without it.

Original poster
curlyrebel · 17/11/2021 23:33

Useful to know @Leeds2.

I'm thinking that there needs to be some etiquette or rules around offering second hand stuff. Mine would be

  1. Always ask if they want it, giving as much detail as possible, preferably with photos, sizes etc
  2. If for DC, don't offer something they won't use for at least another 2 years
  3. If offering to others you have to be open to offers yourself - it's not a one way street (thinking of one family member here)
  4. Accept no and don't be offended if not wanted
  5. If it's not clear if its wanted or not, assume it's not
  6. If the answer is usually no, it's safe to assume they don't want any of your tat!

Anything I've missed?

OP posts: