People dumping things they don't want on you

[curlyrebel]

I'm getting a bit fed up of being given stuff that family and friends don't want anymore. I've got 2 small DC so some hand-me-downs are admittedly useful and well received but there's also a lot that aren't.

I don't always know if they're going to want them so I usually say ok, but then things just sit there unworn or unused and taking up space I don't have. I'm trying to declutter but it's impossible when second hand stuff is coming our way so often!
The kids cupboards are packed with clothes and most of them we haven't bought!

Once a friend messaged to ask if I wanted her DCs stuff. I forgot to reply and she just showed up with it next time I saw her!

Another time a friend gave me some dresses suited for formal occasions. I tried to say no but she wasn't having it. They sat there for a couple of years before my DD could fit into them and she's only worn one. Id probably get good money for them but don't have the time to sell online.

My SIL recently visited from another country with a suitcase of clothes and sleepwear for my DS. Did she ask me before if I wanted them? No.

We've also had sleeping bags, pillow cases, old toys including small pieces of Lego, books, dressing gowns, bags, coats, toiletries and a coat for DH...that's all just in the last year.

So are people taking the piss or AIBU here?

@Bluntness100

Oh I don’t know if I’m being grumpy tonight , but what part of I usually say ok or I forgot to respond, makes you think the issue here isn’t you? And that simoly saying no thank you. End of.

No, you're not grumpy. You are always quite rude. HTH.

This happens to me a lot as well as I’m hopeless at saying no. But I also tend to feel like, if I’m getting a few really good T-shirt’s/pjs etc, then it has kind of become my job as payment to dispose of the rest. If that makes sense.

@curlyrebel

Useful to know *@Leeds2*.

I'm thinking that there needs to be some etiquette or rules around offering second hand stuff. Mine would be

1. Always ask if they want it, giving as much detail as possible, preferably with photos, sizes etc
2. If for DC, don't offer something they won't use for at least another 2 years
3. If offering to others you have to be open to offers yourself - it's not a one way street (thinking of one family member here)
4. Accept no and don't be offended if not wanted
5. If it's not clear if its wanted or not, assume it's not
6. If the answer is usually no, it's safe to assume they don't want any of your tat!

Anything I've missed?

Yes. Stop putting the responsibility for accepting a load of crap into your house on other people. No, people are not going to take bloody photos and write you descriptions and try to figure out if it will fit some kids they don't really know for two years.

Are you seriously serious?! Just. Say. No. Take an assertiveness course woman.

YABU to leave crap just sitting there if you don't want it. Dresses that waited a few years before they fit your DD? Why??

Why don't you just drive it to the dump?
Or take it straight to the charity shop?

I don't always know if the stuff I've been offered will be useful/ liked.

Ask yourself, "Do I already have a good deal of stuff that I like and /or use? Is there anything in particular I really, really need, right now, today?"
If the answer is no, then your problem is partly of your own making here.

Don't open bags or boxes if you can't bring yourself to say, "Hell no,' to anyone who wants to dump stuff on you. Take the stuff straight out and get rid of it. Drive to your next door town if your own charity shops are not accepting donations.

I fucking hate it when other people dump their rubbish at my house while telling me in a singsong voice that they have a bag of "nice bits" for me as they've had a clear out. Nan gave us a bag of herbs and spices from 1997 ffs.

I'm thinking that there needs to be some etiquette or rules around offering second hand stuff. Mine would be
1. Always ask if they want it, giving as much detail as possible, preferably with photos, sizes etc
2. If for DC, don't offer something they won't use for at least another 2 years
3. If offering to others you have to be open to offers yourself - it's not a one way street (thinking of one family member here)
4. Accept no and don't be offended if not wanted
5. If it's not clear if its wanted or not, assume it's not
6. If the answer is usually no, it's safe to assume they don't want any of your tat!

Anything I've missed?

Yes, you've missed, "No thanks."
That's "No thanks" every single time. Not 'usually no'. Because even the odd Yes gives them hope.

My MIL does this - with food. A box of tea bags she's bought because they were on offer but doesn't like? We get them. A cake that's too sweet? Chocolate that's not to her taste? All ours.

You've stated in your post that you said okay when asked

Stop saying okay

OP, you need to be a bit firmer with them and with yourself.

Don't say "OK" on the grounds that you "might" want something. Say no, clearly.
If someone turns up with stuff, say "I'm sorry, I just don't have the space for this. It's very kind of you though. Can I suggest some charity shops for you to take it to?" Practise saying this in front of the mirror!

If you dont want it stick it on marketplace for free or drop it off at a charity shop.

NO. Don't do this.

Taking things to charity shops and posting photos on freecycling sites takes time and effort. You have to check things through for damage, weed out anything that's dirty or torn, take photos, upload photos, sort out pickup times or delivery, or find time in your schedule to take things to a charity shop. It's not the OP's job to do this! It's the job of whoever produced the clothes. She is not responsible for the world's wife-work.

I have an eccentric relative who does this with stuff she’s literally had in her loft for 30 years or more. Mention DD is learning piano? A mouldy set of 1970s piano books plus a box of unusable sheet music smelling of damp will appear. It’s Halloween? She’s brought twenty old plastic skeletons, several of them missing a leg.

She used to bring a Tesco bag of absolute rubbish with her each time she called that she wanted to offload onto me - in the end I just had to say quite firmly to her to please not bring it any more as hints and gentle nudges weren’t working!

I like a hand me down and actually used to love getting bags of clothes passed on to me for DD, but I draw the line at stuff that’s been in an attic for decades.

@curlyrebel

Useful to know *@Leeds2*.

I'm thinking that there needs to be some etiquette or rules around offering second hand stuff. Mine would be

1. Always ask if they want it, giving as much detail as possible, preferably with photos, sizes etc
2. If for DC, don't offer something they won't use for at least another 2 years
3. If offering to others you have to be open to offers yourself - it's not a one way street (thinking of one family member here)
4. Accept no and don't be offended if not wanted
5. If it's not clear if its wanted or not, assume it's not
6. If the answer is usually no, it's safe to assume they don't want any of your tat!

Anything I've missed?

Obviously everyone should ask if you want it, and give details. But expecting photos is a bit much, tbh.

You can decide to say not to kids stuff you won’t use for 2 years. “No thanks, I’ve got no room to store that.” It’s not up to them to not offer, it’s up to you to say no.

If offering to others you have to be open to offers yourself - why, though? Genuinely? That someone else is better at saying no than you are is not something that needs fixing!

Accept no for an answer is a given.

But “if it’s not clear it’s not wanted” - again, onus is on you to refuse clearly.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Its because they can't be bothered to go to a charity shop or the dump. One of my ex husbands is a hoarder and will only get rid of stuff if he gives it to somebody. Its always horrendous crap. I learnt just to say no thank you very firmly and give it back to them.

Yes. I had someone dump a bag of stuff. I told her we didn't want it and didn't have room. "Oh, just take it to the charity shop." Eh? Why have I got to take your crap to the charity shop for you?

My mum is like this. She just turns up with random stuff they're getting rid of - the last offering was a load of old towels - and assumes I'll be grateful. Never asks first if I'm interested. I've got very good at saying a firm thanks but no and sending it back.

Surely you can just say ‘that’s kind of you to think of me, but NO thanks’. No need to explain or justify just ‘NO we have no use for it’. Practise saying no in as many ways as you can in front of a mirror. It’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it.

I'm always very direct "No thanks. I've enough of my own crap".

Tell me about it.

A 40 year old scrabble set? Yeah, the kids'll quit YouTube for that

YANBU but I think you need to practice very firmly saying no to people. It sounds like you might be being a bit wishy washy with it.
Get a line clear in your head, that you can roll out when needed: "Oh no thank you, we're bursting at the seams in our house. Thanks for thinking of us though".
I think my MIL thinks I'm a bit of a monster for the amount that I say no to (ie everything!) She's offered us a really large piano and has suggested that some massive dark bits of furniture (not our style at all) will be ours when she dies. I just bark "Nope we don't want it".

Imply you've had a premium bond win/ inheritance. So don't really need it.
The problem with hand me downs is that there is usually something not great about them because the great, comfy, easy wash stuff will have been worn out. The unused are unused for a reason.

Tell them no
If they give it to you
Give it back
If they refuse say youll be donating said item
Etc etc

This is more a you problem op...
Be more clear. Be firm

For starters reply to messages when people ask? . Also say no if you don't want something, there are plenty of ways to politely decline- thank you for the kind thought but I don't need x right now and would rather someone who could make use of it would have it; no thank you I already have x but thank you for the offer; just to make sure we can make use of x can you send a photo please to see if it'll fit or whatever. If you're not honest with people then seems weird to moan. I suspect most know they could pop it to the charity shop no hassle but want to check a friend can't make use of it first to be nice.

We have a system in the school playground, there's always bags for life being passed around! Can you not find someone with a kid smaller than yours and ask if they want some stuff?
My DDs rarely get new clothes tbh, just whatever they like that comes out of a bag that a random mum has given me in the playground!
I just top up their wardrobes with whatever is missing.

I’m mildly fascinated by people’s relationship with things - it varies so much and it can be so nuanced.

My ds is intensely attached to his things, and possibly has a stronger attachment to his toys than to his family. I’ve had to learn to accept and respect that.

I’ve cleared out the houses of dead relatives, including one who was a borderline hoarder. And it definitely affected how I view things in my house.

And all our elderly relatives try and re home their unwanted tat that at some point they struggled to accumulate. But they haven’t disconnected the webs of emotion and identity from the objects.

I vividly remember nursing my beloved granny, with her belongings around her that I wouldn’t have dreamed of interfering with or touching. But when she died it was as if they lost a layer of gloss and were just stuff to be assigned new places.

I’m not attached to many things - I value them for their power to create a cosy home for my family, or for the memories they evoke, or for their ability to keep the rain off. But I definitely wouldn’t give stuff the power to damage relationships which are much more precious to me. I’d rather do a discreet run to the charity shop now and then. Although I’ve learned never to admire anything in my mil’s house in case it comes home with us.

learn to say no

or simply use what you want and either donate to charity or give back if possible
there are clothing banks, salvation army, to drop things

I've this issue. One relative dumps everything including her DS's elite private school uniforms & broken toys on us. I ferret through to pick out their designer jackets & either donate or toss the rest.

Another friend gives me bags of 'new' clothes from her family. They go straight to the bin as, well, they're old, stained, ripped & disgusting.

I think people convince themselves they're helping you when really it's helping themselves get rid of stuff.

@thelegohooverer that is interesting. I remember after DGM died that my DM gave me a box of DGM's stuff. To DM the things in the box were significant reminders of DGM. To me it was just a box of tat, it had no connection to me.

I held onto the box for a short while then discretely ditched the lot.

DH and I are now starting to get into Death Cleaning (clearing out clutter so your family doesnt have to do it when you are gone). Neither of us are sentimental about possessions.

DM on the other hand has sentimental attachments to practically every item she has ever touched. Distinct hoarder tendencies. Anything she passes on to other people has to be revered in the same way she reveres it. I have long since learned to decline things.