People dumping things they don't want on you

[curlyrebel]

I'm getting a bit fed up of being given stuff that family and friends don't want anymore. I've got 2 small DC so some hand-me-downs are admittedly useful and well received but there's also a lot that aren't.

I don't always know if they're going to want them so I usually say ok, but then things just sit there unworn or unused and taking up space I don't have. I'm trying to declutter but it's impossible when second hand stuff is coming our way so often!
The kids cupboards are packed with clothes and most of them we haven't bought!

Once a friend messaged to ask if I wanted her DCs stuff. I forgot to reply and she just showed up with it next time I saw her!

Another time a friend gave me some dresses suited for formal occasions. I tried to say no but she wasn't having it. They sat there for a couple of years before my DD could fit into them and she's only worn one. Id probably get good money for them but don't have the time to sell online.

My SIL recently visited from another country with a suitcase of clothes and sleepwear for my DS. Did she ask me before if I wanted them? No.

We've also had sleeping bags, pillow cases, old toys including small pieces of Lego, books, dressing gowns, bags, coats, toiletries and a coat for DH...that's all just in the last year.

So are people taking the piss or AIBU here?

I had a Huge and very public (as in I told absolutely everyone I knew) Decluttering Month. I threw away/donated nearly 100 binbags full of gubbins and 12 estate car fulls went to the tip. Furniture was donated (or tipped if unsaleable by charity shops). The final instalment happens in a week - total loft clearance.

Point is, at the time I was telling them I was getting rid of so very much I also said that I didn't want anything - anything - coming in. And if they give me anything I'm terribly sorry but I'll be hoofing it as soon as the giver leaves. No-one minded at all and they totally understood (or said they did).

I've been given some right old tat which always comes with some family story as to why its special, if its so special keep it yourself

My FIL once waited till Dh and I were moving house...in the middle of emptying three sheds and a house full of crap and he turned up with three or four boxes of shite he thought we'd want.

I'm talking old laptop cases, free caps...just shit!

I think you have to be firm with them and refuse it all. You will drown in all this crap.

Is there a refuge near you that could take some of the baby clothes?

You say you've had some stuff that's been useful. So you do you want people to stop altogether or psychically know what you want? Surely they just ask if you want stuff, or turn up, and that's your moment to say 'no thank you' or just rummage through and bin the rest.

I don't really buy the theory from some pp that there are any motives other than kindness. They could put it all in the bin as easily as they bring it to your house. Without knowing that you don't like it they must, surely, think that they're helping you.

My MIL used to do this. It drove me mad, my husband told her to stop in the end. She would bring something every time they came over about once a fortnight or more sometimes. I said no thanks every time and she would still bring stuff!

My SIL does this and it drives me absolutely mad.

Her kids are 10 years+ older than ours and when she comes across anything from when hers were younger (her house is v cluttered so stuff hangs about for a long time) she dumps in on us and it’s always in not great condition.

Tempted to tell her to stop mistaking us for the tip.

I don't really buy the theory from some pp that there are any motives other than kindness. They could put it all in the bin as easily as they bring it to your house. Without knowing that you don't like it they must, surely, think that they're helping you.

Hoarding can be as extreme as a form of OCD, but generally I think it’s well known that some people who find it difficult to let go of their possessions can use others as a kind of guilt-free way of disposing of stuff they don’t want to or can’t do themselves.

Nah this really pisses me off. If you want to give stuff away you should ask the person if they'd like it. I'm sick of getting loads of unwanted crap that people can't be bothered to take to charity shops (or the tip) themselves.

Lol. My mother tries to offer me the same 'very expensive' suits whenever I see her. The fact that she's short 6 inches shorter than me and 4 sizes larger is lost on her. I just laugh now....and make sure they're not put in my car!

I had someone do this to me. But every single time half of it was clothes way to small. It does my nut in I get it's coming from a good place but ask first.

I think there’s often a thing that, if someone has spent money on it, they just can’t bear to take it to the tip or charity shop. Ancient, broken down old sofa? That cost good money back in 1985, SOMEONE must want it.

The worst is when they give you a bag of old stuff but say they want it back when your finished with it. Some old neighbours were given a box of lime scaled bath toys that they were expected to hang onto and then give back.

@CruCru

I think there’s often a thing that, if someone has spent money on it, they just can’t bear to take it to the tip or charity shop. Ancient, broken down old sofa? That cost good money back in 1985, SOMEONE must want it.

The worst is when they give you a bag of old stuff but say they want it back when your finished with it. Some old neighbours were given a box of lime scaled bath toys that they were expected to hang onto and then give back.

With that bugger I'd keep them a week then hand them back saying thanks, we've finished with them now. 😁

@thelegohooverer

I’m mildly fascinated by people’s relationship with things - it varies so much and it can be so nuanced.

My ds is intensely attached to his things, and possibly has a stronger attachment to his toys than to his family. I’ve had to learn to accept and respect that.

I’ve cleared out the houses of dead relatives, including one who was a borderline hoarder. And it definitely affected how I view things in my house.

And all our elderly relatives try and re home their unwanted tat that at some point they struggled to accumulate. But they haven’t disconnected the webs of emotion and identity from the objects.

I vividly remember nursing my beloved granny, with her belongings around her that I wouldn’t have dreamed of interfering with or touching. But when she died it was as if they lost a layer of gloss and were just stuff to be assigned new places.

I’m not attached to many things - I value them for their power to create a cosy home for my family, or for the memories they evoke, or for their ability to keep the rain off. But I definitely wouldn’t give stuff the power to damage relationships which are much more precious to me. I’d rather do a discreet run to the charity shop now and then. Although I’ve learned never to admire anything in my mil’s house in case it comes home with us.

This is so interesting. I'd love to get to a place where I only have loved/ treasured items in my home. So much becomes meaningless when we're not here anymore.

I need much more time than I do at the moment to clear through the clutter. I think this is what frustrates me the most. If I was able to keep on top of it I probably wouldn't get stressed with more donations.

On the message I never replied to, which keeps coming up. For one, I saw her within days of her asking me and im a busy working mum so occasionally I don't have time to reply straight away or need some more time to think about what is being asked. I have said no to her before and she's been fine with that but in this instance she took my silence for a yes!

Thanks everyone who has shared their similar stories...good to know it's not just me who gets frustrated with it.

@TR888

My MIL does this - with food. A box of tea bags she's bought because they were on offer but doesn't like? We get them. A cake that's too sweet? Chocolate that's not to her taste? All ours.

And?

It's better than just been thrown away because it's not to one persons taste. Pas it on if you don't want it.

@curlyrebel

If you find some of it useful
& don't want to say a blanket 'no thanks' then you need to a) stop blaming other people & b) be disciplined, as soon as you get home/they leave, go through snd put aside the things you want to keep and rebar everything else, then next time you go out pass the rest on (if it's in decent condition) or put it into a relevant collections bin.

Then work on your other stuff as & when you can.

My dm keeps asking me to put notes on stuff in her house that I want. We have very different taste and I want nothing (bar the wine!). She finds this very hard to understand but I have no room for more furniture.

We have this. For the record I love my in laws. They have a beautiful 5 bedroom house. It’s spotless. As clean or cleaner than a hotel. But the wardrobes, cupboards and drawers are full of stuff they won’t throw out.

They have everything their son ever used and now we have our own home every time we see them they try and give him stuff which he turns down.

Yes they’re his belongings but he’s 35 now. If he hasn’t used or wanted these belongings in 15 years chuck them! I’m talking dvds, old clothes, amps, baby books and toys and clothes. They’re so hurt every time we refuse.

@NovemberNovemberDarkNights why should we have to go to the effort of passing it on though? The only regular visitors we have are my in laws lol

@Newmum29 sounds exactly like my in laws, they kept every single toy my husband had when he was a child. MIL used to collect things on his behalf e.g stamps etc as well. There were loads of huge plastic boxes filled with stuff. He sold most of it as we had nowhere to keep it when we moved as the attic wasn't boarded and it was all piled up in my baby's room which he needed to use eventually lol. They moaned about how much we had received for it for ages afterwards as there were some very valuable Lego sets in there but we had nowhere to put it and they didn't offer to take it all back home with them! She gave him about 5 photo albums with pictures starting from when he was born and excitedly told us there was more to come

I’m very sentimental about ds baby stuff. Dp is too. He suggested keeping some of it, i.e keeping the second hand good quality pram we bought, for his sister (who is unlikely to have kids for at least 3 years). I refused as it’s likely that we’ll clutter our house unnecessarily for the next few years and end up forcing things on our ds(il). People need the freedom to choose certain things for themselves rather than having things forced on them - unless truly in need.

@Heartofglass12345

NovemberNovemberDarkNights why should we have to go to the effort of passing it on though? The only regular visitors we have are my in laws lol

My comments were made to the OP NOT you, hence my @ at her, not you.

If someone (the OP) doesn't want to say 'no thank you, without checking everything, then she needs to dispose of the stuff she's choosing not to keep. Expecting other people to have crystal ball is madness

@Heartofglass12345

She gave him about 5 photo albums with pictures starting from when he was born and excitedly told us there was more to come

So? They are photo albums not elephants, it's hardly onerous. Most people would appreciate being given something like that

@Newmum29 sounds exactly like my in laws. Lovely people but they kept everything from DHs childhood including half used school books and dusty teddies. They have a very sentimental attachment to objects and get quite upset that I don’t, DH accepts it all but complains there’s no room

If its clothes and you don't want then stick it on freecycle! It's gone in less than a day around here. I don't sell any of my dc used clothes anymore, I just take a quick pic and list it on freecycle. It's always gratefully received.