His choice of engagement ring...

[surfergrl]

DP showed me the ring he’s gonna get, and it’s nice, but it’s not my idea of an engagement ring – it’s silver and topaz. Now this is NOT about the money – I do not expect the ‘month’s salary’ cos that’s diamond company propaganda. But I do love jewellery (I make and sell it) and engagement rings tend to be be a bit more special, and last a long time (topaz is brittle; silver dents easily).

I don’t even mind if we don’t get married for years, but the ring is important to me.

I don’t know if he knows what engagement rings more usually are, and I don’t think he’s trying to be cheap, and it’s a sweet ring. I love that he’s picked it himself too.

Do I tell myself to get a grip, princess, or do I gently say, that’s lovely but I wonder if we could choose something together?

Just be honest (though gentle) with him! If you are going to marry him you must be able to have a frank conversation with him. He probably showed you the ring because he wants genuine feedback. Considering you know all about jewellery, you absolutely must share your opinion!!

Tell him - good communication is a key part of any serious relationship. This is a ring you will wear for the rest of your life (hopefully), so you want it to be a piece of jewellery you like.

I think suggesting shopping for the ring together is a good idea.

Definitely speak up now. Really presumptuous to choose something for you that you might wear daily for the rest of your life.

Tell him.
There was a post recently about someone who has spent years hating her ring.
I didn’t get the one I loved, due to cost, but at least I got to jointly pick the one I got.
I still spend hours each year pouring over the style I loved & I’ve been married 25 years!
Tell him.

You’re not being a princess, his choice will end up
annoying you looking at it all day, day in, day out.

What do you think about second hand? I have a .8ct princess cut one from Ebay. It was about £350 and totally legit. It's got a fault in it so it's a real mined diamond.

Also got a diamond Victorian ring from.the same seller for £150.

Both are stunning and beyound my means if bought in a shop.

I should have said if your ok with vintage then drop strong hints

Absolutely say something about choosing one together. You have the perfect reason - you’re a jewellery maker for goodness sake - you’re going to have strong feelings on a piece you plan to wear forever. If my DH worked as a car salesman I wouldn’t try and second guess what car he wanted, and that’s lot less permanent!

Second what others say about second hand. Mine is second hand from a jewellers, cost a fraction of what it would new, and I adore it.

Presumably he showed you the ring to get your opinion on it? And he’s buying it now? So tell him it’s not really your cup of tea and point him in the direction of styles that you like or tell him you’d like to go shopping for a ring together.

Personally I think showing you the ring he’s going to buy is strange, it makes him seem like one of those future fakers that’s dangling a carrot.

Definitely tell him! The way you worded it in your post is lovely, definitely plug the choosing it together option!
The last thing you want is to internally go “meh” everytime you look at it!
My DH chose my first engagement ring himself, wasn’t my taste but I tried to love it because he’d picked it. By the time we actually got married id gone right off it and got another one to match my band.

YANBU. You will be wearing this ring for a LONG time. I would hate silver and topaz to be honest. I am not too fussed about very expensive stuff either, but would draw the line at a silver engagement ring, with a crappy topaz stone!

shuffles off and dusts tiara...

I take it this is your first marriage?! You need to communicate. Why would he show you if not for feedback? I don't really understand engagement rings though as to me, you decide to get married, get on with it, then have a ring to indicate you are married.

Definitely tell him. I told my DH in general conversation that if I got married I would like to choose a ring together. I also made sure he was aware that some stones and metals are more durable than others.

He didn't get it until he started looking at rings to buy and quickly realised he was out of his depth . He proposed sans ring and we chose the ring together.

I think if you want a specific ring and he’s on a budget, you should pay the difference.

I'd talk to him about the materials as he would be upset if the ring was damaged in the shorter term I'm sure.

Tell him that one of the main things should be longevity and as the person who has to wear it day in and day out, you need to be confident that it won't become damaged and unwearable.

I’d tell him and explain your reasoning (i.e. that topaz and silver are in danger of getting damaged with everyday wear).

I knew my husband was going to propose and I knew exactly what I wanted in a ring (I work with my hands, am allergic to certain metals, didn’t want anything too expensive because I’d be scared to wear it, and was really fussy about having gems/gold that were ethically sourced).
He wanted me to love the ring but wouldn’t have known about what was important to me unless I told him (he thought I’d want a large diamond because that’s what an engagement ring was, I think he was relieved when I told him that was the last thing I wanted!).
I sent him a few examples of things I liked that I knew were around the right budget so he had something to base his decision off.
Although, I’ve also had friends go shopping for a ring with their partner and had a really romantic day with a nice afternoon tea/cocktails and some shopping, so that could definitely be an option too (even if you don’t buy anything it might give him an idea of what you have in mind).

If you like the design he’s picked could you get someone to make something similar out of more hardwearing materials (e.g. white gold and a light blue sapphire rather than the silver and topaz).
If price is an issue then you can get really beautiful secondhand rings that are often much cheaper than buying from a jewellery shop.

You're the jeweller...tell him it's not robust enough for daily use for the next 40-50 yrs+

I would gently say that if and when the time comes to get engaged that you would prefer make joint decisions together especially on things of significance

Tell him now before he buys it. My DP proposed last year which I wasn't expecting. I didn't like the ring (looked more like a wedding ring).
I said straight away I didn't like it so he said we could try to swap it. By the time I'd had a hospital stay with the baby and lockdown 1 had ended it was too late. We ended up buying another and keeping the first as a wedding ring.
I don't wear either of the rings so it was a waste really.

I was married before and I chose both my rings myself - I still love those rings and it's a shame I can't wear them anymore. I never wore them regularly but loved wearing them for special occasions.

What is stopping you from telling him what sort of ring you would like?

If you can't talk to him about your requirements for , if you think that his opinion should prevail even when it doesn't suit you, then it doesn't seem like a very good idea to get married to him.

There will be sooo much that you have to negotiate over the years, in order to have a relationship that works for you both. The sooner you find a way to talk through things and find a solution that works for you both, the better.

My requirement is, was and always will be to have a choice myself. DH has known that since long before we were an item. It's important to me to find things that work for both of us.

Can you have a look online how much that sort of ring would cost and pick some options you prefer within a similar budget?

That might be what he can afford, I presume cheaper than platinum and diamonds.

You can go back to the conversation asking if he bought it yet, then say that thinking about it, while it's a pretty ring, topaz is brittle and silver dents easily, so while that would be a lovely occasion ring, it isn't going to last for every day wear for the next 50 years. That you would like to have an engagement ring and wedding ring that you wear daily, so need to be something tough that can cope with daily wear.

Oh and focusing on the practical issues with the stone and metal choice, that's not emotional "you have shit taste", but practical and quite romantic that you really want to wear it daily.

I think be honest, say 'It's a lovely ring but I can't see myself wearing it every day', maybe describe your concerns about longevity, and give him more of an idea of what you do want?

You have to tell him silver and topaz will get trashed with daily wear.

Marriage involves harder conversations than this.