His choice of engagement ring...

[surfergrl]

DP showed me the ring he’s gonna get, and it’s nice, but it’s not my idea of an engagement ring – it’s silver and topaz. Now this is NOT about the money – I do not expect the ‘month’s salary’ cos that’s diamond company propaganda. But I do love jewellery (I make and sell it) and engagement rings tend to be be a bit more special, and last a long time (topaz is brittle; silver dents easily).

I don’t even mind if we don’t get married for years, but the ring is important to me.

I don’t know if he knows what engagement rings more usually are, and I don’t think he’s trying to be cheap, and it’s a sweet ring. I love that he’s picked it himself too.

Do I tell myself to get a grip, princess, or do I gently say, that’s lovely but I wonder if we could choose something together?

[LadyEloise1]

@surfergrl
Did you get your engagement ring ?

[1967buglet]

oh, that’s nice OP. Glad you could work it out. Vintage rings are awesome. My wedding ring is vintage…it was DH’s great aunties. We arranged to have the setting put in a new band, and it is a lovely solitaire diamond. I was really pleased to have a bit of history, and I think about her when I wear it.

[surfergrl]

Well it's payday tomorrow haha! I have been sharing some ideas and he's positive. It's a long way to anywhere for in person shopping, so we'd have to stay over, but I'm still hopeful we can do it.

Incidentally, we're not planning on having kids but I take the point!!

[LadyEloise1]

@surfergrl
How did things work out ?

[LadyEloise1]

@UniBallEye I fully agree with you. I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who wasn't willing to spend a few hours with me choosing an engagement ring and to go for a bite to eat and celebratory glass of something afterwards.

[UniBallEye]

I think this all sounds really depressing OP, I'm sorry!
Why can't you talk to him about the ring and your preferences?
And i find it sad that you think he'd be too bored to make a nice occasion out of going to look at/ choose a ring ! It's your engagement for god's sake.
What else will he be too bored to deal with - planning a wedding? going to hospital appointments of you have a child? Dealing with his own child??

I have to say there is NO WAY I would be contemplating spending the rest of my life with a man who might be too bored to actually engage with our engagement! RUN

[Spiceup]

Wow, you not only worried about having a fairly routine conversation with him but you can't ask him to spend a day doing something you'd love? I do wonder if you're ready to marry this man.

[sueelleker]

was married before and I chose both my rings myself - I still love those rings and it's a shame I can't wear them anymore. I never wore them regularly but loved wearing them for special occasions
Why can't you wear them? If it's because they were engagement/wedding rings, why not wear them on the other hand?

[CityMumma78]

Just be honest. An engagement ring should really be your choice as you have to wear it every single day so why have something that you don’t like!

[LadyEloise1]

@surfergrl ** You wrote "A day out sounds wonderful but he'd be soooo bored I don't think I could fo that to him."

Really !!
You're choosing an engagement ring together.
That's a pretty special day in anyone's life and you think he wouldn't give up a few hours to make it extra special for you ?
You could do a little rece before to a few jeweller shops to see what you like, to narrow down your options / the amount of shops you visit.
You don't have to give the full day with him - surely he'd share the morning or afternoon with you to make it special.

[MyChemicalMummy]

Well there are always no it all on mumsnet, I suppose my years of experience and professional qualifications don't count for anything.

[SickAndTiredAgain]

You're right topaz isn't brittle, I've worked in a jewellers for 25 years it's 8 on mohs scale dia is 10 so not much difference.

The mohs scale isn’t linear, a diamond is much harder (about 4 times) than a sapphire which is ranked 9, the difference between a sapphire and a topaz is smaller (sapphire is about double the hardness). And the mohs scale only looks at hardness (ease with which it can be scratched), not general durability which would include how brittle a gemstone is.

[GroggyLegs]

If he's showing you, surely that's inviting you to comment?

Also, you make jewellery, you're not saying it to be an arse, there are flaws in his design.
It'll bother you every day if you don't speak now.

[harriethoyle]

Just saw your update @surfergrl - worth looking at antique rings which give you a lot of bang for your buck!

[harriethoyle]

Definitely tell him and use your technical knowledge to steer him towards what you want... I didn't know that about either topaz or silver so chances are, he won't!

[MyChemicalMummy]

@Socksey

Wandering off the point 🤔😁.... I've never heard anyone describe Topaz as brittle... I can't imagine doing anything to a topaz in normal life that would cause it to chip easily... (I'm a geologist)
My ring is a half eternity with zircons and sapphire

You're right topaz isn't brittle, I've worked in a jewellers for 25 years it's 8 on mohs scale dia is 10 so not much difference.
Topaz can be worn every day without it being damaged.

[FinallyHere]

When DH and I have things like this to do, I'd scoot ahead, get it down to one or two then have the outing with DH to pick 'the one' and got out for a boozy lunch to celebrate.

He would do the same for me.

[billy1966]

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

Definitely speak up now. Really presumptuous to choose something for you that you might wear daily for the rest of your life.

This.

I certainly wouldn't be impressed with having no input into something I was going to wear regularly.

This is not a necklace/bracelet.

[surfergrl]

Again, thanks everyone! I was being a wimp ☺️ he was fine with it. Seems he was a bit worried I'd want something £1k or more. I said 300ish and I don't mind putting in if there's one I just have to have...

Thought about making one but I'll always notice the little things I coulda done better! Im no expert yet.

A day out sounds wonderful but he'd be soooo bored I don't think I can do it to him

[PoleFairy]

I'm a big believer in choosing a ring together. Choosing a ring for someone to wear everyday is so weird, you need to choose if you have to wear it! I second vintage/second hand jewellery too. It's way, way more affordable and normally much better made

[rainyskylight]

he probably doesn't know the details about silver and topaz not being hard wearing enough for an engagement ring which is worn daily for 40 odd years.

[Twizbe]

Be honest. He obviously wanted your opinion or he wouldn't have shown you.

I love jewellery and told my DH that I wanted to chose my own ring. I knew he'd get flustered in the shop and get me a solitaire which was the last thing I wanted.

We went to the jewellery quarter together to pick mine and I still love it (married 10 years now)

[FrangipaniBlue]

@PingedPotato

He showed you for a reason

This is exactly what I was going to say!!

I don't think he will be offended at all, I think he showed you because he wants to make sure he gets it right

[SickAndTiredAgain]

@FinallyHere

conversations, but it’s never easy or pleasant to tell someone who’s put time, effort and thought into choosing something they think you’ll love that actually you don’t like it.

Fair enough to put time, effort and thought into something h they think you will love. But not so great if they would rather you pretended to love it in order to protect their fragile ego when you just don't love it.

It's really important to me, to be included in the decision making. DH is very clear about that. He loves surprises and I respect that when it's things for him.

Things for me ... not so much

Bear in mind this is going to be the way things are for the rest of your life snd start as you mean to go on.

Yes but OP hasn’t said anything to suggest he would rather she pretend to love it. Nowhere has she said anything like “another reason I don’t want to say anything is because he has a tendency to sulk”.

DH and I decided to get married together and then picked a ring so I never had this situation but if I had, even though DH would much rather I tell him I didn’t like, I still wouldn’t relish the conversation if he presented me with something he really thought I’d like.

[PingedPotato]

He showed you for a reason