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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His choice of engagement ring...

88 replies

surfergrl · 17/11/2021 18:22

DP showed me the ring he’s gonna get, and it’s nice, but it’s not my idea of an engagement ring – it’s silver and topaz. Now this is NOT about the money – I do not expect the ‘month’s salary’ cos that’s diamond company propaganda. But I do love jewellery (I make and sell it) and engagement rings tend to be be a bit more special, and last a long time (topaz is brittle; silver dents easily).

I don’t even mind if we don’t get married for years, but the ring is important to me.

I don’t know if he knows what engagement rings more usually are, and I don’t think he’s trying to be cheap, and it’s a sweet ring. I love that he’s picked it himself too.

Do I tell myself to get a grip, princess, or do I gently say, that’s lovely but I wonder if we could choose something together? Confused

OP posts:
Poppy709 · 17/11/2021 20:02

Definitely tell him and you’re not being unreasonable, also second other suggestions on vintage for cost, my engagement ring was under 400 pounds and I look at it every day and think how much I love it which is what you want from a ring!! We also chose it together xx

magicstar1 · 17/11/2021 20:03

DH proposed to me with a lovely Claddagh ring, and we went to pick out my engagement ring together. He knows me well so it was the right thing. As it turned out I picked a ring I never would have imagjned....he would have had no chance of getting it correct.

RaisedByPangolins · 17/11/2021 20:10

If he’s shown it to you rather than buy it and present it as a surprise then you absolutely should have a say in what it looks like! If he wanted free reign to buy you whatever he thought then he should have been more romantic about it. This sounds like a weird hybrid of him choosing a ring on your behalf but without the surprise proposal element that makes that a gamble worth taking!

If he’s asking your opinion on it, send him some examples of things you like and say what’s important about it to you so that he has a fighting chance of getting it right!

Otherwise if this is a ‘placeholder’ as a gesture until you get to choose the one then make sure HE realises thats how you’re seeing it!

Alternatively buy him something for Xmas that’s almost what he wants but not really, watch him squirm trying to explain himself and then let him know that’s how you feel about the ring Grin

Allthesefolks · 17/11/2021 20:10

Yes tell him! DH proposed spontaneously without a ring and I chose and bought my own (I’m incredibly fussy about jewellery and would have hated a solitaire so have an unusual vintage one).

mrsm43s · 17/11/2021 20:10

I think its fine to point out the issues with Silver/Topaz, and pick something else in the same price range range. That said, I'm not sure you'll get something much better than Silver/Topaz on a Silver/Topaz budget. The suggestion of vintage is spot on, and with luck you could get something really unique.

nomoneytreehere · 18/11/2021 11:02

Surely the silver / topaz is a placeholder until you can get the real one?

FinallyHere · 18/11/2021 11:19

conversations, but it’s never easy or pleasant to tell someone who’s put time, effort and thought into choosing something they think you’ll love that actually you don’t like it.

Fair enough to put time, effort and thought into something h they think you will love. But not so great if they would rather you pretended to love it in order to protect their fragile ego when you just don't love it.

It's really important to me, to be included in the decision making. DH is very clear about that. He loves surprises and I respect that when it's things for him.

Things for me ... not so much

Bear in mind this is going to be the way things are for the rest of your life snd start as you mean to go on.

Runningupthecurtains · 18/11/2021 11:54

As they are worn together the wedding band should be the same metal as the engagement ring to limit wear. It might be an 'in' to the conversation to explain that a silver engagement ring means you are also limited to silver for your wedding band (or the harder metal will wear away at the softer one).

Socksey · 18/11/2021 12:05

Wandering off the point 🤔😁.... I've never heard anyone describe Topaz as brittle... I can't imagine doing anything to a topaz in normal life that would cause it to chip easily... (I'm a geologist)
My ring is a half eternity with zircons and sapphire

LaForza101 · 18/11/2021 12:09

Why does the ring need to last forever? I thought it was pretty common for people to upgrade sets or buy new ones to celebrate important anniversaries. I also know of rings not fitting after pregnancy and rather than resizing, the ring is kept to pass to the child years down the line.

Fair enough if you just don't like it and a gentle conversation about it is fair, but I think I would stick to the romance of the choice at least until you reach a new milestone

Pheebs2021 · 18/11/2021 12:30

I was given an haribo ring after my proposal and we picked one together, my DH had ideas but really wasn't sure and in fairness to him until I saw my ring I didn't know what I'd want really either. A decade on I adore my ring still.

PeeAche · 18/11/2021 12:35

My first husband bought me a silver ring and it did get all dented up. He told me it was white gold and I believed him Blush (I was young and foolish). I only found out the truth when I went shopping for my wedding ring and the jeweller advised that I don't choose white gold if my ER is silver. Blush

Anyway, we were only married a few years and the ring ended up in storage except for best, because it was so battered up... And then one of the diamonds fell out!

WhatHoMarjorie · 18/11/2021 12:37

I find the idea from some quarters that you’re supposed to wear a ring you dislike just because it was chosen for you by your future spouse to be ridiculous. Speak up now and say ‘that’s not to my taste’. Not great if you can’t be honest with him on these matters.

PingedPotato · 18/11/2021 12:39

He showed you for a reason

SickAndTiredAgain · 18/11/2021 12:41

@FinallyHere

conversations, but it’s never easy or pleasant to tell someone who’s put time, effort and thought into choosing something they think you’ll love that actually you don’t like it.

Fair enough to put time, effort and thought into something h they think you will love. But not so great if they would rather you pretended to love it in order to protect their fragile ego when you just don't love it.

It's really important to me, to be included in the decision making. DH is very clear about that. He loves surprises and I respect that when it's things for him.

Things for me ... not so much

Bear in mind this is going to be the way things are for the rest of your life snd start as you mean to go on.

Yes but OP hasn’t said anything to suggest he would rather she pretend to love it. Nowhere has she said anything like “another reason I don’t want to say anything is because he has a tendency to sulk”.

DH and I decided to get married together and then picked a ring so I never had this situation but if I had, even though DH would much rather I tell him I didn’t like, I still wouldn’t relish the conversation if he presented me with something he really thought I’d like.

FrangipaniBlue · 18/11/2021 13:01

@PingedPotato

He showed you for a reason
This is exactly what I was going to say!!

I don't think he will be offended at all, I think he showed you because he wants to make sure he gets it right Smile

Twizbe · 18/11/2021 13:28

Be honest. He obviously wanted your opinion or he wouldn't have shown you.

I love jewellery and told my DH that I wanted to chose my own ring. I knew he'd get flustered in the shop and get me a solitaire which was the last thing I wanted.

We went to the jewellery quarter together to pick mine and I still love it (married 10 years now)

rainyskylight · 18/11/2021 13:36

he probably doesn't know the details about silver and topaz not being hard wearing enough for an engagement ring which is worn daily for 40 odd years.

PoleFairy · 18/11/2021 17:00

I'm a big believer in choosing a ring together. Choosing a ring for someone to wear everyday is so weird, you need to choose if you have to wear it! I second vintage/second hand jewellery too. It's way, way more affordable and normally much better made

Original poster
surfergrl · 18/11/2021 17:14

Again, thanks everyone! I was being a wimp ☺️ he was fine with it. Seems he was a bit worried I'd want something £1k or more. I said 300ish and I don't mind putting in if there's one I just have to have...

Thought about making one but I'll always notice the little things I coulda done better! Im no expert yet.

A day out sounds wonderful but he'd be soooo bored I don't think I can do it to him Grin

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/11/2021 17:49

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

Definitely speak up now. Really presumptuous to choose something for you that you might wear daily for the rest of your life.
This.

I certainly wouldn't be impressed with having no input into something I was going to wear regularly.

This is not a necklace/bracelet.

FinallyHere · 18/11/2021 18:41

When DH and I have things like this to do, I'd scoot ahead, get it down to one or two then have the outing with DH to pick 'the one' and got out for a boozy lunch to celebrate.

He would do the same for me.

MyChemicalMummy · 18/11/2021 19:48

@Socksey

Wandering off the point 🤔😁.... I've never heard anyone describe Topaz as brittle... I can't imagine doing anything to a topaz in normal life that would cause it to chip easily... (I'm a geologist) My ring is a half eternity with zircons and sapphire
You're right topaz isn't brittle, I've worked in a jewellers for 25 years it's 8 on mohs scale dia is 10 so not much difference. Topaz can be worn every day without it being damaged.
harriethoyle · 18/11/2021 19:54

Definitely tell him and use your technical knowledge to steer him towards what you want... I didn't know that about either topaz or silver so chances are, he won't!

harriethoyle · 18/11/2021 19:55

Just saw your update @surfergrl - worth looking at antique rings which give you a lot of bang for your buck!