His choice of engagement ring...

[surfergrl]

DP showed me the ring he’s gonna get, and it’s nice, but it’s not my idea of an engagement ring – it’s silver and topaz. Now this is NOT about the money – I do not expect the ‘month’s salary’ cos that’s diamond company propaganda. But I do love jewellery (I make and sell it) and engagement rings tend to be be a bit more special, and last a long time (topaz is brittle; silver dents easily).

I don’t even mind if we don’t get married for years, but the ring is important to me.

I don’t know if he knows what engagement rings more usually are, and I don’t think he’s trying to be cheap, and it’s a sweet ring. I love that he’s picked it himself too.

Do I tell myself to get a grip, princess, or do I gently say, that’s lovely but I wonder if we could choose something together?

My husband has a silver wedding ring, I think it's worn down to about half its weight.

I love topaz but it's definitely more of a costume jewellery stone so it doesn't get lots of wear. Lovely colour though. Definitely have a chat and point out the practical issues.

The silver thing especially sounds like someone who just doesn’t know about jewellery. It’s not unreasonable for him to have done it, he probably sees how many white gold or platinum rings there are and thinks silver looks the same but within his budget. But since this is something you want to wear everyday, that is definitely an important point to raise.
And the style, I’m not really sure what you mean by your “idea of an engagement ring” because I think it’s better to have a ring you like rather than one that specifically says “engagement ring”. But if you don’t like it, then you don’t like it, and I think the silver issue gives you an easy (and fairly objective) “in” to discuss changing it. And then you can go with a different style that you prefer.
I agree about looking second hand if there might be a price gap between what his budget is and what you want.

Doing the shopping together is fun. DH and I went to the diamond district in New York and wound up having one made for us.

Tell him you'd rather choose one together. And that silver won't last, it needs to be gold or plantinum. And that you don't like topaz. Just be honest.

I told my boyfriend not to buy me a ring in secret, I'm fussy and if I'm the one who is going to be wearing it everyday, then it's important I actually like it. We've been to look at a few but still not found one I like. With you making and selling jewellery, do you have an idea of what you would like?

Yes. You shouldn't be even considering marrying someone you can't easily have that conversation with

Absolutely tell him.

Many women don't know about the silver/topaz thing so I'd be surprised if he did! It's totally fine to say you don't care about the price, but you do want a ring that will last for decades and that's why it needs to be X,Y material

I’m not sure

I don’t know if I’d say anything.

I wouldn’t of chose my ring at all. But I ADORE it because my husband chose it. It wasn’t expensive. It’s really unique. He gave it to me saying it was just a promise ring. But I love it. I also love jewellery. It’s my hobby.

@Holidaytan

I think if you want a specific ring and he’s on a budget, you should pay the difference.

LOL, are you serious?! Who wants to marry a man who asks you to pay some towards your OWN engagement ring? That's so skanky. I'll stay unmarried to that man I think. I'd imagine most women would rather stay single than marry someone with such limited funds.

@Spiceup

Yes. You shouldn't be even considering marrying someone you can't easily have that conversation with

Oh I know marriage involves harder conversations, but it’s never easy or pleasant to tell someone who’s put time, effort and thought into choosing something they think you’ll love that actually you don’t like it. I agree she should tell him as I said upthread but I don’t think that finding telling him a little difficult suggests she shouldn’t even be considering marrying him!

@LittleDandelionClock that's just nasty. I don't think anyone would be so mercenary as to not be with someone who doesn't want to spend lots on jewellery. There are more important things!

[quote ODFOgrinch]@LittleDandelionClock that's just nasty. I don't think anyone would be so mercenary as to not be with someone who doesn't want to spend lots on jewellery. There are more important things![/quote]
Each to their own, but I wouldn't be wasting MY life with a man who expected me to part fund my own fucking engagement ring. You need to set your bar higher.

LOL, are you serious?! Who wants to marry a man who asks you to pay some towards your OWN engagement ring? That's so skanky. I'll stay unmarried to that man I think. I'd imagine most women would rather stay single than marry someone with such limited fund

To be fair if you're choosing a much more expensive ring than he would, why shouldn't you contribute?

If you loved someone you wouldn't care about limited funds but judging by your writing style you sound incredibly young so maybe you just haven't mature enough to understand that yet.

OP - tell him. You don't want to wait until he's bought it and have to pretend to love it for the next 60 years.

There must be a lot of upset men about, with so many women not liking their rings. I feel sorry for them all .

Perhaps suggest you and he design something special and make it yourself. It will be unique (just like you two)

Ah thanks everyone - I think I'm overthinking it!! I will revisit the convo. I love vintage so that's defo an option.

I wouldn't mind putting some money in, not that he's asked.

You really need to tell him about the fragility of the one he's chosen, and suggest an alternative. You don't want him wasting money on something that could damage easily. He should understand, you being a jeweller, you know what you're talking about.
When l got engaged to the love of my life, he proposed and said "I haven't got you a ring, love, you're going to wear it for the rest of your life, so l want you to have something you love."
He tied a broken guitar string round my ring finger (he was a musician) and l tied a bit round his wrist.
It was so romantic and sweet. We both chose our jewellery together, l got a beautiful ring and he got a torque necklace and bracelet.

OP many congratulations. It sounds as if you are vv happy to want to get married to your DP.

But - even to people who like jewellery (me included) - a ring is really nothing significant. What's important is that you and DP decide TOGETHER what you want for your futures.

If you would like a ring, then - because you're the expert, you can do this without hurting his feelings - talk about what might be nice, hard-wearing, long-lastinge etc. As PP has said, second-hand/vintage/antique is VASTLY better value. A ring is just a token of intent,, after all.

Also - I'm old and probably early feminist generation - but all sorts of important decisions about my life (and husband's life) have been made by calm, loving, caring discussions with my husband. No waiting for him to propose etc (we just mutually agreed) ; no game-playing/sulky disappointments by me. So much more respectful; so much easier.

To 1forAll87 for heaven's sake, why didn't they just ask the women concerned? Who are they to 'bestow' their taste on others?

OP Sorry about typos. Am waiting for new spectacles!

Congratulations!

An engagement ring needs to be more hard wearing than that, just be honest with him in a very gentle way.

To 1forAll87 for heaven's sake, why didn't they just ask the women concerned? Who are they to 'bestow' their taste on others?

A lot of men like to propose as a surprise. Almost all of them will try to pick something their girlfriend will like.

For some women, nothing is ever good enough.
For some women, it's just not to their taste.
For some women, it's perfect.

The engagement and the ring should be a joint conversation and decision. The proposal can be a surprise if that's what you need.

girlmom

Fine, that's what they like. But it's not totally up to them, is it? Deciding to get married is a mutual, shared decision. If it's not that, it's pretty pointless, for either the man or the woman.

OK, if a man asks his girlfriend 'I like old-fashioned play-acting, will you play along with me for a proposal?' and she agrees, then 100% all well and good. That's lovely for them both.

But otherwise ...

@scottishnames they ask and then the woman says yeah or no.

Men who are proposing know whether or not the woman they're proposing to is happy for the surprise, most of the time.

I have a topaz engagement ring and the stone is still fine, but silver will fade and wear out.

Of course YANBU especially since you make and sell jewellery. Who has silver for an engagement ring?!it's supposed to last a lifetime which silver doesn't have the quality to do. Just be honest.