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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if partner of two years was found to have been unfaithful during the first month of dating, it is a dumpable offence?

119 replies

namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:25

Just that.
Would you let it go or dump partner.
Great relationship two years on but if partner had been with another in the first month , while you and partner were dating/ getting to know each other ; what would you do?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 17/11/2021 12:02

Par for course in lots of cases., the word exclusive is sometimes quite meaningless for some people., and was never used in the old days of dating anyway. it's rather stupid to say you are exclusive, after such a small amount of time.

steff13 · 17/11/2021 12:04

I see your point, but its pretty depressing when you have to communicate your expectation of not being cheated on. Its depressing that it isn't the bare minimum of a relationship, but something you have to voice and agree on.

I wouldn't consider it cheating until you've made some kind of commitment. Dating someone when you're open about also seeing other people isn't what I would call a commitment.

Bookworm20 · 17/11/2021 12:06

OP, this obviously does bother you, so not having had an exclusivity talk or whatever is really a red herring here.
Only you know what your feelings were back then and what you thought his were and whether its something you can just get over if he did in fact sleep with someone else.

I think you need to ask him. Because if you don't it'll always be at the back of your mind and will cause you conflict.

If you ask him, regardless of his reply, you'll be able to decide what to do and move on from it one way or another.

diddl · 17/11/2021 12:06

"I don’t get this need to agree exclusivity otherwise you’re essentially free to do as you please."

Me too!

If I was having sex with someone & it was so meaningless that they were seeing/having sex with others, then I wouldn't want to be with them.

Wiredforsound · 17/11/2021 12:07

This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. Until you’ve discussed being exclusive you’re not exclusive. You’re just dating and one or both of you could have shagged all round you at the point. I probably wouldn’t have mentioned it because at that stage in the first few weeks it’s none of their business. The question is, are you looking for a reason to dump your partner? Because this is really a weak one.

LittleMysSister · 17/11/2021 12:11

@namechangemark3

I have been considering asking him. Should I? I may not like the answer but I know I'll get the truth. I'd be distraught I think.
I personally wouldn't ask him, but because it wouldn't bother me after all this time and considering how newly we'd met when it potentially happened.

However, it is clearly playing on your mind for whatever reason, so you should ask, as it doesn't sound like you'll be able to shake off these worries without finding out.

Etinoxaurus · 17/11/2021 12:14

@JumperandJacket

Not sure I get the concept of “dumpable offence”. If you want to dump him over this, do. Where you set your boundaries on this stuff is up to you. On the other hand, if you feel regretful at ending a good relationship, don’t dump him. I don’t think it’s a sign that he’s likely to be unfaithful again and, while it’s not ideal not to have revealed it earlier, it’s also easy to see how someone might have thought it best not to speak up.
This^ You don’t need to justify this. Either way, it a forgivable offence, move on or he betrayed me, I’m dumping him. It’s up to you.
JunoMcDuff · 17/11/2021 12:15

I wouldn't presume exclusivity in the first month, so wouldn't consider it cheating.

WimpoleHat · 17/11/2021 12:15

@namechangemark3

Relationship is the best I've ever had but if I thought he had been intimate in the first month of us being together, I'm not sure I could get over that.
Honestly - just don’t ask the question, then. As others have said, if you hadn’t had “the talk” then it’s unreasonable to assume exclusivity, especially if you met online. If it’s going well, just focus on that. Look forward not back.
BiLuminous · 17/11/2021 12:20

Nah.

Chenga · 17/11/2021 12:28

You might feel a bit irked but it was two years ago and you were in the very early stages of seeing someone. You were OLD and hadn’t had the chat so I’m not sure why you’re risking your relationship for it now. He clearly decided he wanted a proper relationship with you and you wanted one with him so it’s all good Forget it and get on with being happy.

casebasket · 17/11/2021 12:39

Found out my current partner was about to meet someone for 'some' the actual night he asked me to be exclusive- at about a year in to the relationship

I know he didn't do it, he gave his head a wobble and realized there was no point as he liked me and decided there and then he would ask me to be exclusive....
i know as we did spend the whole night messaging - just wouldn't have been able to be 'at it' and be messaging to and fro all night,

I was upset he even thought about doing it but I pointed out myself - had he- he could of because even though were were sleeping together/dating/getting to know we weren't exclusive ....

I said this myself to him and he said he agreed.

I'm sure he was chatting to others in the first few weeks and prob though I was too but until it's exclusive and made clear I think it's fair to say it's acceptable- though it hurts if you felt more than they did at the time ....

I also realized that during the year we were together he was one of the best of not best partner I'd had till that day and I didn't feel like he'd strayed IN the relationship so I've moved on from it .

crossstitchingnana · 17/11/2021 12:41

In my day once you were with someone you were with them.

Bellringer · 17/11/2021 12:42

What change said
My mum was dating in 1950s, went out with lots of people and they did the same, blokes would sleep with anyone as usual. Women not so much until that conversation was had. It was ever thus

Bellringer · 17/11/2021 12:43

Sorry, agreeing with chenga

Snoozer11 · 17/11/2021 12:47

@namechangemark3

Not exclusive, or at least Not discussed. Presumed
Presumed by you. This is a communication issue.

Honestly I don't see it as a big deal.

littlebigtiger · 17/11/2021 12:54

If it was literally in the very first month of you just "dating" then I'd let it go.

Rewis · 17/11/2021 13:01

There are different levels to dating for a month and I think thay effects if exclusivity can be expected. If you've been hanging out and talking for months and then one of you asks the other for an official first date and you meet a few times a week. Then there is matching on Tinder and agreeing to meet up next week and then again a few weeks later. Both are dating a month but very different.

That being said, I wouldn't want to throw away a fantastic relationship based on an assumption if exclusivity in the first month of dating.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/11/2021 13:08

but not discussed

Therefore not technically unfaithful, but it sounds as though you're very angry about it.

What do you want to do?

Lasair · 17/11/2021 13:16

I think you should work on your own self esteem and enjoy your good relationship.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/11/2021 13:17

If you hadn't discussed being exclusive, then you weren't exclusive, and he could do what he wanted.

Given that you have no idea, I don't know why you're even considering asking him this. It sounds like you're looking for a reason to sabotage the relationship.

Personally, I'd just assume that maybe he did something with someone else, but that its none or my business, and then I'd get over it.

That said, it's OK to leave a relationship for any reason, or even no reason at all. If you're trying to find a way out, then you can just leave, you don't need to justify it.

girlmom21 · 17/11/2021 13:20

Why are you trying to jeopardise a perfectly good relationship?

What you don't know can't hurt you.

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 13:34

Maybe I need to let sleeping dogs lie.
I couldn't bear to imagine him being intimate with another woman when I stupidly thought we were exclusive.

OP posts:
ExConstance · 17/11/2021 13:44

I asked about the etiquette of this recently when a recently divorced old friend of mine became single and started to date several women at once, sleeping with one of them. He had no intention of actually meeting someone to live with he wanted a friend and a lover. It all became a bit questionable when one of them said that it would be sex from then on as they had had 2 dates, and the third date was the time to start, but did not mention or request exclusivity. The other women were just meeting him for lunch and gallery trips etc. He eventually decided to be kind to everyone and to make some sort of decision after Christmas about where it was all going. After reflection I think this is right, in the very early stages of seeing someone new you don't have the expectation of exclusivity until it is agree.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 17/11/2021 13:44

Just leave it. Sounds like you were both actively looking to meet someone at the time (or he was). Probably online as you mention some not working due to distance. OLD is quite an artificial situation in which people are meeting a number of others with a view to finding something that sticks and becomes a relationship. You already know there was some crossover at the start, this is part of it. But you're together and monogamous now which is what counts. Don't dig up the very early days when you knew the score, if not the full details.

Is there any reason you're now feeling like this, as in has something more recent come up?