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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that if partner of two years was found to have been unfaithful during the first month of dating, it is a dumpable offence?

119 replies

namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:25

Just that.
Would you let it go or dump partner.
Great relationship two years on but if partner had been with another in the first month , while you and partner were dating/ getting to know each other ; what would you do?

OP posts:
PingedPotato · 17/11/2021 09:39

As @LittleOwl153 says its up to you what you personally feel comfortable with

JumperandJacket · 17/11/2021 09:40

Not sure I get the concept of “dumpable offence”. If you want to dump him over this, do. Where you set your boundaries on this stuff is up to you. On the other hand, if you feel regretful at ending a good relationship, don’t dump him. I don’t think it’s a sign that he’s likely to be unfaithful again and, while it’s not ideal not to have revealed it earlier, it’s also easy to see how someone might have thought it best not to speak up.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/11/2021 09:41

I wouldn’t like it
Who would !?
But early days are just that
A talk is needed more than anything

Hankunamatata · 17/11/2021 09:43

For me sleeping togther would imply being exclusive.

Geriatric1234 · 17/11/2021 09:48

So, agree with all PPers. Weren't officially 'exclusive' or at least it was murky waters etc etc. Not a big deal on the face of it. The sex bit makes feelings a bit more confused and I'd assume exclusivity once shagging tbh, but that's down to the individual.

Buuuuut - I remember going on a date with an OLD guy. Got on great, snog, went on 3 further dates. On the first date he said I was only his 2nd OLD date. On the 4th he said he'd been on 8 dates. Of courrrrse he had absolutely done nothing at all wrong. Nothing. We met online, I knew he was prolly speaking to other women, maybe even going on dates, we weren't having sex. But it felt....dunno....icky. Like he met me, thought 'yeah she's cool I'll see her again, but I'm going to keep looking in case someone better comes along'. It was only an 'issue' because he told me, so it took the shine off and I didn't see him again. I would have always felt like he thought he could improve. TOTALLY ILLOGICAL - please don't come at me for it - just saying I do get why OP might feel weird about this even knowing logically that he didn't do anything wrong per se.

But after two (great?) years, I'd probably say you should look forwards, not backwards. xxx

NuffSaidSam · 17/11/2021 09:51

I think that there are enough people who buy into the 'you're not exclusive until you have the chat' thing that he/she hasn't done something wrong.

But people feel differently about it and if it crosses a line for you then that's all that matters. It doesn't matter what Mumsnet thinks!

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:52

He told me at the beginning that he had a date set up the day after our first date and while he had no interest in meeting her as he wanted to see where we would go if I was also interested, he went on the date out of manners ( as cancelling 12 hours beforehand would have been rude) and cut it short as he knew he wanted to pursue something with us .
The other situation is hypothetical. I know that while we were talking and dating, he was also talking to other dates he had met for a couple of weeks anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:55

I have been considering asking him. Should I?
I may not like the answer but I know I'll get the truth.
I'd be distraught I think.

OP posts:
AlleZusammen · 17/11/2021 09:56

Some people might have a bit of overlap at the beginning if they hadn't quite got over the last person, but then wouldn't dream of cheating once the relationship had got going and feelings/love developed. Would seem a shame to dump for that but up to you. Depends what the rest of the relationship was like

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:57

It's really good and we are mad about each other but I know I'd be gutted to hear if he had been intimate with another woman while dating me.

OP posts:
Inthedarkofthenight · 17/11/2021 09:57

How did it come about that you found out? I think that also would have a sway on my decision.
For me, if we are having sex then I would assume that was exclusive. I don't care if that isn't very 'modern' but I don't want to risk STIs, or be made to feel that my sex isn't fulfilling enough and he needs more elsewhere.
Those first months are meant to be fireworks and electricity so for him to go somewhere else feels as though he wasn't as into it as he could have been.

Its a totally personal thing to you though, what's right for me might not be right for you.

PingedPotato · 17/11/2021 09:58

went on the date out of manners ( as cancelling 12 hours beforehand would have been rude) and cut it short as he knew he wanted to pursue something with us so wasted someone's time? That's not honorable. He should have just cancelled.

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:58

I don't know but I'm unsure whether I want the truth or not

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 17/11/2021 09:59

So this didn't actually happen and he hadn't told you he slept with someone else,?

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 10:01

No but I think it could have happened

OP posts:
steff13 · 17/11/2021 10:02

@namechangemark3

I have been considering asking him. Should I? I may not like the answer but I know I'll get the truth. I'd be distraught I think.
It sounds like you're borrowing trouble. I'd the relationship is good, what happened one month in when you barely knew each other doesn't matter. If it's not good, then dump him for that reason.
Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 10:02

My gut tells me it may have happened.
I know he was definitely talking to some dates regularly but nothing came from them because of distance.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 10:03

Relationship is the best I've ever had but if I thought he had been intimate in the first month of us being together, I'm not sure I could get over that.

OP posts:
Frankzappa22 · 17/11/2021 10:03

It’s grim and I’d be hurt and upset but it would depend how the relationship is now. Yes in theory it’s a ‘dumpable offence’ but much more important is how the relationship is now. If it’s really flourishing and otherwise good I’d work hard to get over it

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 10:04

He told me he loved me after three months which threw me

OP posts:
CasaBonita · 17/11/2021 10:05

Have I got this straight, he went on a date with someone he wasn't really interested in having only met you once before and (possibly) shagged her?

museumum · 17/11/2021 10:07

It sounds like you're just trying to hurt yourself with all these 'what ifs'. Are you trying to push him away? feeling paranoid?

I wouldn't have been sleeping with more than one date at a time when Dh and i first met and i was OLD. I'd obviously rather he wasn't, but if he had then I could get over it. He chose me after all.

JumperandJacket · 17/11/2021 10:08

Sounds like you’re trying to sabotage your own relationship.

Frankzappa22 · 17/11/2021 10:09

Ps I don’t know how old you are but I’m going to hold my hands up and say it’s the kind of thing I could have done in my 20s. But would have been a kiss not a shag, and I wouldn’t have been unfaithful again. So I don’t necessarily believe that just because someone did it once, very early, that they’d be the type to do it again . And also to add it is something I grew out of!

jillandhersprite · 17/11/2021 10:09

This is messed up - its all hypothetical then?
At the time you didn't have an exclusivity chat, and you were aware he was going on dates... If you dump him because he had sex on one or more of those dates then yes you are being unfair.

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