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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if partner of two years was found to have been unfaithful during the first month of dating, it is a dumpable offence?

119 replies

namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:25

Just that.
Would you let it go or dump partner.
Great relationship two years on but if partner had been with another in the first month , while you and partner were dating/ getting to know each other ; what would you do?

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 17/11/2021 09:26

First month of dating? Or first month of being exclusive?

MRex · 17/11/2021 09:27

That's very early days, it depends how the relationship is but if it was just casual early dating then I'd ignore it. Even add much as 3 months in would be problematic, but initial weeks - meh. Many people will date several people at once in the early days.

JadeTrinket · 17/11/2021 09:27

I'd assume that during the first month of dating both people were potentially seeing other people still, unless they'd specifically agreed not to.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 17/11/2021 09:28

Were you exclusive at that point or just dating? If you'd just started dating and hadn't established you weren't seeing others then they haven't done anything wrong although I understand it doesn't feel great. Why have you/ they found out now? It's not something I'd need to hear about.

AlleZusammen · 17/11/2021 09:28

I wouldn't be forgiving of it later on in the relationship but would if they were unsure of their feelings between two people at the beginning/maybe trying to move on from a previous relationship

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:28

One partner not seeing anyone and believed the couple to be exclusive but not discussed.

OP posts:
TammyTwoSwanson · 17/11/2021 09:29

The fact that it took 2 years to come clean is a bigger issue than the actual cheating in this circumstance I think. Yes it's not ideal that they cheated in the first month, but month one of dating is very very different to a 2 year, committed relationship.

If everything else is good, and your partner honestly never thought it was important or never told you as he wasn't sure what the boundaries were at the start or whatever, I'd let this one go.

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:30

Even though the couple had just started sleeping together?

OP posts:
TammyTwoSwanson · 17/11/2021 09:30

I mean, let the issue go, not the partner!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2021 09:30

@namechangemark3

One partner not seeing anyone and believed the couple to be exclusive but not discussed.
Then you weren't exclusive.
Willyoujustbequiet · 17/11/2021 09:30

If exclusive then yes I would dump. Its the lie.

Original poster
namechangemark3 · 17/11/2021 09:31

Not exclusive, or at least
Not discussed. Presumed

OP posts:
steff13 · 17/11/2021 09:31

@namechangemark3

One partner not seeing anyone and believed the couple to be exclusive but not discussed.
If exclusivity hadn't been discussed, I wouldn't have expected it.
jusdepamplemousse · 17/11/2021 09:32

I think really you need to have had an exclusivity conversation…it’s just not a given in first couple of months.

JadeTrinket · 17/11/2021 09:32

@namechangemark3

Not exclusive, or at least Not discussed. Presumed
Then no, I wouldn't have presumed exclusivity that early on, and I certainly wouldn't be getting upset about it now if, as you say, the relationship is a good one.
EmeraldShamrock · 17/11/2021 09:33

Within the first month before the exclusive talk is a grey area.

SelkieQualia · 17/11/2021 09:33

First month and had not discussed being exclusive? Don't be ridiculous.

PingedPotato · 17/11/2021 09:34

It shouldn't be presumed that early on. Not unless you've had "the chat"

NurseButtercup · 17/11/2021 09:35

Two to three months dating is a realistic time to declare being exclusive. Anything prior to this is still getting to know each other & trying out other people.

If you're two years in, happy let this go. It's NOT cheating.

Greenmarmalade · 17/11/2021 09:36

I’d try to let it go but it would be hard.

NurseButtercup · 17/11/2021 09:36

If you're two years into the relationship and happy together, and planning your future then let this go.

LittleOwl153 · 17/11/2021 09:36

To me the question is how do you/the 'non cheating' partner feel about it? If you are not comfortable with it and don't like the lies it represents- then dump.

You can choose to be in a relationship with someone or not you do not have to justify either action. If something makes you uncomfortable it's not right and will only eat away at your relationship anyway.

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/11/2021 09:37

If your relationship is as great as you say, then ask yourself why you are clutching at straws to try a justify dumping him?

Changechangychange · 17/11/2021 09:37

Wouldn’t bother me two years in. I’d be making it very clear that it would bother me going forwards though.

HeartsAndClubs · 17/11/2021 09:38

I don’t get this need to agree exclusivity otherwise you’re essentially free to do as you please.

If I was sleeping with someone then I would expect that to be exclusive and wouldn’t feel that I should have to have to clarify that point. Although obviously things appear to be different now and people seem to feel free to shag whoever they want just as long as the word exclusive hasn’t been mentioned.

It’s a personal thing. If someone felt that within the first month they didn’t have issue with it then that’s up to them. But equally dumping someone for sleeping with others at the same time they were sleeping with them isn’t wrong either.