To think that if partner of two years was found to have been unfaithful during the first month of dating, it is a dumpable offence?

[namechangemark3]

Just that.
Would you let it go or dump partner.
Great relationship two years on but if partner had been with another in the first month , while you and partner were dating/ getting to know each other ; what would you do?

@JumperandJacket

Sounds like you’re trying to sabotage your own relationship.

Agreed. If it's the best relationship you've ever had, why are you trying to sabotage it? Maybe think about that instead of focusing on something that may not have even happened.

@namechangemark3

Relationship is the best I've ever had but if I thought he had been intimate in the first month of us being together, I'm not sure I could get over that.

So two years down the line you're suddenly obsessing if he had a ONS with this date and was sleeping with other people? But you're not concerned he might have being doing it later than that? Has something been said or do you just have a tendency to sabotage your own happiness?

Another here pointing out that you are looking for issues where there aren't any. Only you can know the reason why you are doing that.

It was after a first date , before any I love yous , before any conversation about commitment exists. Its irrelevant what you had decided in your own head about exclusivity at the time. Your decisions about the relationship at the time have no impact on his unless they were discussed.

This serves absolutely no purpose other than creating silly drama. Sorry harsh but the truth. There is no betrayal even if he did sleep with someone then.

@JumperandJacket

Sounds like you’re trying to sabotage your own relationship.

This ^^

You hadn't agreed to be exclusive.

In the situation you describe I just wouldn’t ask; if it’s a good relationship and you’ve got no suspicions he would currently cheat then I wouldn’t cause yourself pain about something from so early on.

So just to be clear, you've been with a guy you love for 2 years, things are good and now you're dwelling on something that might not have actually happened 2 years ago??

I mean this nicely..... get a hobby and stop looking for drama or just dump the fella if you're no longer interested

@EmeraldShamrock

Within the first month before the exclusive talk is a grey area.

That was my situation and when I found out it was the trigger FOR the exlcusive conversation.

Within the first month, just dating, then not a dumpable offence by any means, IMO.

@JumperandJacket

Sounds like you’re trying to sabotage your own relationship.

and this.

Forget all about it if you want the relationship to continue. Don't use this as a spurious excuse to dump him if you do not want to continue the relaitonship.

If exclusivity hadn't been discussed, I wouldn't have expected it.

I completely disagree. I don't get this whole having a discussion about exclusivity crap.

If I was seeing someone and it went past a couple of dates and we were getting on well and sleeping together it wouldn't even cross my mind that we weren't 'exclusive'. Surely that's the bare minimum when you're both building something with that other person.

You don't get to keep your options open, you make a decision surely if this is who you want to build a potential relationship with.

Not fucking someone else should be the default, not the other way around.

Different if there was no relationship building going on, but this does not appear to be the case here.
OP assumed they were exclusive, as would I.

OP I'd be totally gutted. And yes I'd dump for it because I don't think I could get past the knowing I was trying to build a future with this person, letting them in, and they thought it ok to cheat on me. I'd feel like the whole start of the relationship was a bit fat lie.

You either try to build a relationship with someone - which to me means you don't fuck other people as the absolute bare minimum. Or you make it clear right from the start you are are going to be sleeping around.

You are clearly having doubts over something... work out what that is instead fo looking for stuff that may or may not be there!

I completely disagree. I don't get this whole having a discussion about exclusivity crap.

You're right. Communication about expectations in a relationship is a terrible idea. Better to just make assumptions based on your own expectations.

Let it go 💯

Early days, no exclusivity chat, no lies told? No issue.

There is no absolute litmus test here.

Either you are happy and trusting in your relationship NOW, or you are not really happy. If not you don’t need to dig around for justification to end it.

Some people cannot bear any reference to previous partners at all, others are more pragmatic.

It depends on you, how you feel, the relationship.

And actually true deep love is generally able to make room for some forgiveness if no actual harm / dishonesty has taken place. If there was a mistake, a misunderstanding. IMO.

I would leave the relationship.

@steff13

I completely disagree. I don't get this whole having a discussion about exclusivity crap.

You're right. Communication about expectations in a relationship is a terrible idea. Better to just make assumptions based on your own expectations.

So you think the default communication when building a new relationship should be 'shall we not fuck other people'?

Why is not fucking other people not the default?

How are you supposed to build a relationship with someone while they are out there testing the waters to see if something better might come along. And you're supposed to just accept it because you haven't asked them politely to refrain from sticking their dick in someone else whilst you get to know each other intimately

@namechangemark3

It's really good and we are mad about each other but I know I'd be gutted to hear if he had been intimate with another woman while dating me.

You're being silly. He didn't know you properly back then and you're torturing yourself over whether he slept with someone or not. Are you also jealous of his ex girlfriends, because I doubt he was a virgin? If you don't want to know, then don't ask, but it sounds like you need to work on yourself a bit.

How old are you @Bookworm20? What you’re describing sounds like the pre-OLD world, when you usually got to know someone socially, then started ‘going out’ (dating), at which point exclusivity was the default. You usually were only seeing one person at a time, even at the ‘getting to know you’ pre-dating stage.

That’s totally different from OLD, when you’re meeting total strangers and you start with the dates. It’s normal to be dating a few people at the early stages.

I’d let that go provided he understands it wasn’t appropriate and the reasons for doing so are valid (not confirmed exclusive etc).

Interestingly my friend was in a very similar position. She ended it and he realised what a fool he’d been (still sleeping with his ex). She forgave him and they’re married with 3 children. He’s devoted to her and they’re very happy.

@namechangemark3

Not exclusive, or at least Not discussed. Presumed

Well, you know what they say about assuming.

What happened after there was actually a discussion and clear mutual agreement is much more important.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

I'm not 'young' but i'm not 'old' either. And I have dated recently. Now in a relationship.

But I guess I'm not normal then.

I think its sad when you have to ask someone not to sleep with other people when you are in a relationship with them or trying to form one, albeit early on, rather than just assume they had enough respect for you not to carry on sleeping around.

I couldn't imagine disrespecting someone I really liked and wanted to get to know better for a potential relationship by thinking it ok to shag a few more blokes because thats what is considered normal.

I think I prefer to just be not normal then.

But in answer to OP's question. Yes I'd be gutted and yes I'd finish the relationship over that.

No not unless exclusive and had been discussed and confirmed by both parties

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I’m from the era of before OLD and I agree, we never had the ‘exclusive’ conversation back then.

So you think the default communication when building a new relationship should be 'shall we not fuck other people'?

I think default is that different people have different expectations and therefore it's important to communicate those expectations so everyone is on the same page.

Sounds like there is quite some room for doubt. You cannot presume you are exclusive without agreeing it with him. You can end a relationship for any reason, but this sounds a bit harsh.

@steff13

I see your point, but its pretty depressing when you have to communicate your expectation of not being cheated on. Its depressing that it isn't the bare minimum of a relationship, but something you have to voice and agree on.