To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

@LaGauchiste

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

Thank you for your support and for those who tell me " Technically he's right you have 3 now". No. I don't.

I'm sorry OP, no one should be telling you to "get over it" and I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

The problem with "just say 4" is it leads in, like it did when he said 3. Oh so one girl? Is she the oldest / youngest? Are they really protective? Do they get in well?

At which point he has to lie or talk about his daughters death, something it doesn't sound like he's fully processed, just pushed into a locked box. People grieve differently and there has to be some acceptance on both sides or it will be the bed of your marriage

@Skeumorph

So for all those being all understanding, what's the explain-away for him then shrugging at home and saying he sees nothing wrong with it and OP should just shut up, get over it, and come back home and get on with the wifing? Rather than saying, I'm sorry, I probably handled that wrong, I didn't mean to bring things up for you, I know how you feel'?

How bloody hard would it be for him to react like that? I mean especially as he's the OTHER PARENT?

Jeeez.

But he didn't handle it wrong. He said what many would say. And he's now being used as a punchbag by the OP because she is not getting the help to deal with her grief and prefers to make him the bad guy. It's not fair on him

It does make me wonder about the dynamics of their relationship generally

Horrible to lose your child. Not sure how you get over that.

However if your husband dies will you still say you’re married?
Would you want your boys to say we “have” a sister rather than saying “had” a sister?

I could forgive what he said in the pub (although laughing about having no girls is a bit weird). But I would be leaving him for him saying that you should get over it.

He probably didn't feel ready to talk about it with new colleagues who were just making polite small talk. Everyone reacts differently after a loss, and he shouldn't feel pressured to say x because that's what you feel is the right thing to say. Being upset at the get over it comment is harsh, but overall you can't police someone's reactions.

I’m so sorry for your loss first of all. But I can see why he replied in the way he did, I know a couple of people who sadly lost a child and how they answer the question of “how many kids do you have?” depends entirely on who they’re with, what sort of occasion it is, how fragile they’re feeling that day etc. I hope you can sort this out with him xx

I get it OP. I lost my brother at a young age many years ago, but despite the worry of what comes next, if anyone asks me I always say I have an older brother. I just can’t not. I’d feel disrespectful if I didn’t.

People deal with things differently but I’d feel exactly as you do. So sorry about your daughter. It’s still so very new and I know you’ll feel like he’s pretending she never existed. I’m sure that isn’t the case but I know it hurts just the same.

I met somebody once and only once (due to the setting in which we met), and I asked how many children he had and he explained 2 but 1 had died. It was very very upsetting to hear and I imagine it was very upsetting for him. I thought about it for weeks afterwards and I didn’t know what I would say if I was ever to suffer something so tragic. There isn’t a right or a wrong but I certainly didn’t feel that opening up a can of worms every time was something that would be easy for him as he was just so sad after talking about it. I can understand what your husband said but I think he should understand you too. I certainly don’t think anybody needs to be told to “get over” the death of a child. It’s something you will never get over and I’m extremely sorry for your loss.

A lot of people don't mention a child they have lost because explaining it is hard.

My father almost never, ever mentions my sibling that died in childhood. My mother does, upsetting though it is for her. My father doesnt. Each has their own way to process grief.

Can I just add that we have lost a child and now have another. If we are asked, we generally say we have just one child, both DH and I say that to avoid having the conversation, but neither of us have got over it (20 years on)

He never once mentioned wanting to avoid discussion about our daughter's death. The question wasn't about if we had living children or not,but how many we had.

So, to everyone telling me that exact thing,he never said anything of that kind. Just a loud "WELL SHE IS DEAD SO IT'S TRUE". I,myself, do not like discussing it with strangers,so I would have been more understanding , had he not been laughing then sending me texts " X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth.

I am not manipulating him. Ok I get it. It's his way of grieving. So what if I don't like it? What if I don't WANT and CAN'T move on ? Maybe we are no longer compatible. Thanks everyone for your answers whether or not they were pleasant.

I'm sorry for your loss. He's not wrong though is he? You do have 3 children right now, not 4. However maybe you could tell him to say from now on, "we had 4 but we have 3 now." However he probably doesn't like the way people enquire what happened to the 4th child. He's preempting any further questions. I understand that he doesn't want to have to discuss losing your daughter, and how.

But I would never forgive my husband for saying that I should get over it. (Was the daughter his?)

@supremelybaffled

So many people on this thread who have no comprehension of what it's like to lose a child.

Thankfully many of us haven't had that experience so we can't know what it will be like. Anyone who is a parent though has imagined what it would feel like to lose a child and has understood that what they imagine wouldn't compare to the reality.

But as someone who has suffered great losses (just not the worst one), I feel like I have a good amount of understanding of what it's like to go through the grieving process and to have to choose how to deal with well meaning questions like how many siblings do you have, or to have to explain that I'm a widow. Especially in a situation when you are simply trying to have a pleasant evening with some new acquaintances.

Yanbu @LaGauchiste what he said afterwards was brutal and insensitive.

Can I just say that there is no "help" tou can get that takes away the loss of a child.
The op is mourning the loss, it is early days for her/her husband, and that's just as it should be.
Sometimes anger just blows up like a storm, and for me, the biggest trigger of that is when I feel my girl has been forgotten.
To feel that a partner is the one forgetting must be hellish, but again, perhaps his response to her was because he too, is angry.

I too am sorry for your loss.

However, I totally agree with this.

I think he has the right to deal with the loss of your DD in his own way. If he doesn’t want to explain it to new colleagues then that’s up to him.

Not quite the same, but I lost a sibling, and sometime - particularly in 'light chat' like this with people you don't know well, it is easier to just mention my living siblings rather than going in to the death of my lovely sister.

I am 100% sure your dh was telling to to get over the fact that he said those words to his colleagues and not "get over" the death of your daughter. There is a world of difference.
No parent ever gets over the loss of a child.
People do deal with it differently though.
Many people need to work through this with someone from outside their close family / friends group to come to understand this. You are dealing with it differently. YABU to think that your way is any better or worse than his. Maybe now is the time to seek some support through some sort of bereavement group or support from the charity that supports families who have lost someone in the same way.
Of course you will never get over the death of your dd - nor will he, but as a couple you will have to learn to respect that you are 'coping' in different ways.

@Hermanfromguesswho

I think him saying he has 3 sons is probably much easier to cope with than him having to tell 2 very new colleagues about the sad loss of your daughter in a social situation. I can totally see why he did it. I can also see why you are upset but it’s absolutely not a kicking him out situation. More a chat to explain how both of you feel and then move on type situation

this. I don't immediately mention to strangers that I am a widow.

YANBU. There was no need for him to say 3, like you have said there was no obligation to tell them she had passed away. He does still have 4 children even if she's passed.

Like others have said it's likely to be a different way of grieving but I find it quite cold to act as if she didn't exist when I've no reason to do so.

The only possible thing I can think of is he was pre-empting further questions about his children and wanted to avoid them by saying he didnt have a daughter. Even then, I still don't like it at all.

@LaGauchiste

He never once mentioned wanting to avoid discussion about our daughter's death. The question wasn't about if we had living children or not,but how many we had.

So, to everyone telling me that exact thing,he never said anything of that kind. Just a loud "WELL SHE IS DEAD SO IT'S TRUE". I,myself, do not like discussing it with strangers,so I would have been more understanding , had he not been laughing then sending me texts " X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth.

I am not manipulating him. Ok I get it. It's his way of grieving. So what if I don't like it? What if I don't WANT and CAN'T move on ? Maybe we are no longer compatible. Thanks everyone for your answers whether or not they were pleasant.

We hear you OP, I think that posters have dwelled on the fact that he said 3 sons rather than the fact that he told you that you should get over it!!!! I could never forgive that and the marriage would be over. Take care x

@LaGauchiste

WorraLiberty

How is it manipulative. He can do whatever he likes, I am not forced to accept it. I hated that he told me to get over our child's death.

@LaGauchiste I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter dying it's something no parent should ever have to go through x

Did he actually say you need to get over your daughters death or did he just say you need to get over it? Could he possibly have meant 'get over being pissed off with him for saying he has 3 children, not 4'???

I'd need to clarify that if he meant at what he said we'd need a big conversation about how we both feel and our differences in answering that question & try to come to an agreement.

IF he did actually mean our daughters death, I'd have to leave him, no way could I stay with someone who could think or speak like that.

As for how many children you have, I would say we have 3 boys and depending on the situation I would add, or not, that we had a daughter who died. Conversations only start with how many children do you have? They always progress & it gets more difficult.

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss.. life is NOT FAIR! xx

I am not manipulating him. Ok I get it. It's his way of grieving. So what if I don't like it? What if I don't WANT and CAN'T move on ? Maybe we are no longer compatible. Thanks everyone for your answers whether or not they were pleasant.

Have you had grief counselling? Or do you both discussed your grief with each, before this episode?

I’m really torn here, but @LaGauchiste your pain is palpable and I’m so sorry.

My parents died when I was 12. They weren’t good parents so there’s no emotion involved for me; but peoples reactions are hard to manage. They feel bad, it gets awkward, some people struggle to talk to me again for a bit. I’ve been guilty of letting people presume my parents are still around just to avoid that. To avoid the explanation and awkwardness.

He shouldn’t have messaged you like he did. I’m presuming it was a mixture of alcohol and pain; and he’s not usually a dick.

I do feel for you. I think both of your coping mechanisms are valid - and hopefully you can find a middle ground that works for you both.

If anyone asks my parents how many children they have they would probably say 2 girls. That doesn't mean to they have forgotten my brother it's just a cripplingly sad story that they would never wish to discuss with someone in a pub who is obviously just getting to know them. I do the same for the same reasons when asked about siblings. I'd forgive him. If it upsets you this much then perhaps as PP suggested agree some stock responses. "We have 3 sons and a daughter that's passed. We'd by happy to tell you about the boys but we'd rather not discuss XX tonight."

I think he sounds cold and utterly unfeeling. What he said subsequently would be beyond my forgiveness