To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

I was reading up on time travel theory and I wonder if it’s best to see your daughter as just being on a different time line to you. I don’t know if that helps you or not, but yes she will always be your daughter you are just no longer on the same timeline.

I think people deal with this kind of thing very differently.
For some, they need to talk about it, others prefer to "get over" it (although of course, that's not possible really)
I no longer have my daughter, and I react differently every time I'm faced with this kind of situation.

I find myself blurring it out to virtual strangers sometimes, and at others I keep a tight reign on it all.

I’m so sorry for your loss but in all honesty I don’t think you can expect him to explain to everyone he chats to in the pub that one of his children died. If they are close work colleagues then perhaps that’s slightly different.

@LaGauchiste

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

Sincerely hope you are getting some sort of therapy. A loss like this is the toughest of them all. So sorry, OP. Maybe it was just his way to not talk about a difficult thing? you are entitled to be upset, but gently, you are being a bit tough on him here.

This is so sad and I don't think YABU. But they are new colleagues and it's a very personal thing to discuss. Maybe he wanted to keep it light. He could have said this to you, though, instead of telling you to get over it. I am so sorry for your loss. I'd imagine it's not something you ever 'get over'. I hope you can talk it out and listen and respect how the other feels without judging, hopefully you can continue to support each other through this even if you are coping in different ways.

@RandomLondoner

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

I think he should change the locks and stop messaging. He's done nothing wrong.

Other people on this thread are being kind to you, but frankly I have only so much tolerance of people who want to use their grief to make themselves the centre of some emotional drama. I can believe you're so upset you can't help it, but that doesn't change the fact that he's done nothing wrong and you're abusing him for not behaving in some other way that's more acceptable to you.,

It's abusive to make him feel bad when there is literally not a single thing wrong with what he's said. Either about having three children, or telling you to get over the death. There may not be much chance that him telling you to get over it is going to do any good, but the fact is that he's trying to make you not be upset, you not being upset is a good thing, so in fact he's try to do you good. At worst he's trying to help in a way that makes you get more upset, but it's not his fault that your brain doesn't work like his.

But it's not 'abusive' for him to callously tell his wife to 'get over' their daughter's death?

No two brains work the same doesn't mean a body can't show a bit of empathy, care, love and validation. What a shitty post. About as callous and as emotionally devoid as OP's H.

He probably doesn’t like being asked. People are very nosey and will want to know what things like your children’s names, what their jobs/ how old they are, what are they studying etc. My aunt lost her son too. But she only had 2 children. I can imagine if people asked how many children she had and she said one, they would probably say why did you only have one. And if she said she has two sons , people will want to know what they’re up to. It’s not easy either way.

Does OP's husband literally have, in their 'possession', four children? No, I guess technically not, if you want to go by the definition of a physical person you can touch. But how does one 'have' a child? Do you still have a child if they're in prison for the rest of their life, for example, and you'll never be able to physically see them again? What if they don't talk to you any more, so you can't even talk to them, do you cease to 'have' the child then?

Surely we can see that having a child is not physically being able to see them, or audibly hearing them, or being geographically close to them - it's about the shift in your mindset from non-parent to parent (or parent of 2, 3, 4). That's why women who have miscarriages or stillborn babies often still regard themselves as parents. Parenthood isn't an on/off switch - once it's happened, you're a parent. A grieving parent, yes, but you still 'have' parenthood. Therefore 'having' a child is not about the physical number of children you could round up into one place.

I disagree with those examples being the same as someone dying. Completely different. Otherwise, we may as well scrap talking about people who died in the past tense. We can try to make it sound as correct as we like but there's a difference between 'how many children you have (currently)' and 'how many children you've had'.

However, people who lost someone can choose to speak about them however they want. So I won't be telling someone how to describe their situation. It doesn't mean they're technically or literally correct but it's not hurting anyone.

This is a really hard situation. I, too, lost a child and I dread the how many children question. I now say “ I have two boys living at home” as then I don’t feel I have betrayed my precious child but I also know that it is a lot for someone to take on board if it is only a casual conversation and the memory of my child is somehow too precious to share with people who I don’t know and trust yet. My husband and I weren’t always on the same page in our grief; we grieved deeply but differently and for a time it blew us apart. I am so sorry for your loss- it is an awful time. X

Tricky one and I get why your hurt. I have four children however one is no longer with me and if I was in that circumstance in the pub I would of said the same as your husband as it's a private thing that I wouldn't then feel comfortable explaining to strangers. If I am in my own home with family and friends then that is different
💐

@FlowersNoScent

Skeumorph I get what you mean but I think you're weaving a tale based on assumptions and getting worked up about it. OP seems understandably upset still about her loss but we don't know exactly what happened, how it happened, what was said and wasn't said, the tone and intent, etc besides what OP has told us. We don't know if he hugged her and tried to apologise but OP wasn't having it and was telling him how much he's forgotten their child. Then he too decided to throw it right back at the OP (See, we can weave different scenarios here).

So I won't join in alienating OP further from her dh by adding to an incomplete scenario.

Yes, I do see what you mean. Fair point.

You don't stop being a parent to a child that has passed, you stop actively parenting them, but they are always your child.

And I can never "get over" my grief at cremating one of my children. It's just got further away, and less raw.

DH doesn't talk about our DS really either. He died just after birth so it's a different situation, but sometimes he'll say "I have two living sons" other times "I have 2 boys" depending on who he is with. He's very private and wouldn't discuss DS2 with people as a rule.

I could forgive your dh for not discussing her in the context your talking about, public place, new colleagues etc. I would struggle to forgive what your dh said to you once you got home. He is the person who knows best how broken you are, it was callous of him to say what he said to you knowing how you feel.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl

I lost my brother and it's very awkward when people ask how many siblings I have. There was 5 of us and only 1 boy. When I say 3 sisters it normally follows with wow! All girls eh. It never fails to make me feel a horrible feeling as my brother was closest to me in age and we were best friends. However, I got sick of making conversations awkward and it's just easier to say 3 sisters. He probably didn't enjoy saying that.

You're allowed to feel these feelings but I think you are being very unreasonable not allowing your husband to also grieve. It's horrible when people follow that answer with questions like: what do they do etc. It is a very very difficult time for everyone when a child dies. So many couples don't make it. I think you both need to sit down and make up. You need each other more than you may realise and he is likely to be one of few others who loved your child as you do and understands your pain.
FWIW my brother was the same age as your daughter when he died. The next couple of years will be tough as you watch their friends create adult lives.
You need each other for that OP.

No one is wrong. Well he is for telling you you need to get over it as you never will. But as for saying he has 3 children at - right now he does.

I think for the setting, I would also choose that answer - people ask follow up questions. And then it's like how far do you go with acting as if she is still here.

He could say yeah I have 4 kids, 3 boys and a girl. Then conversation could flow to their ages etc etc what they do for a living - he would then have to explain well actually he has 3 boys but daughter sadly passed away.

Depending on his relationship with these people it may just be something he wanted to avoid.

He didn’t want to open up to his colleagues. YANBU to be upset by the conversation up I had afterwards but I think he was likely to be feeling guilty and defensive about it. I cannot image how hard it must be for the both of you

YABU!

If you said to someone you have a daughter, then you are mis-leading them. What are you going to say when they answer, "oh really, and how old is your daughter?", or "what does your daughter do for a living?" etc.

Poor DH!

So many people on this thread who have no comprehension of what it's like to lose a child.

I can see why you’re upset but people handle things differently. I can also see why he’d say three because otherwise it could lead to questions about your daughter where he’d then be in a position where he’d have to talk about it/tell them he died, which he may well not have wanted to do.

So neither of you are being unreasonable.

@supremelybaffled

So many people on this thread who have no comprehension of what it's like to lose a child.

Completely untrue.

OP has recieved pretty much the same advice from every poster - many of whom have experience of losing kids too.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your desire to recognise your daughter in conversation does not trump your husband’s desire to avoid talking to his colleagues about his daughter’s death. I’m afraid I think you were being unreasonable.

You're both dealing with your loss in different ways.

Neither is wrong. Neither love her more or less.

Don't let your daughters death lead to the death of your marriage. Accept that you both grieve differently.

I voted YABU simply because if I had been through something so tragic I wouldn’t be able to talk about it to strangers. Chances are they would have asked how old she is and what she does for a living etc and that would kill me.

However you are obviously not BU to be upset over it.

I'm so sorry, it's such a difficult one.
My younger sister died in 2019 and the question about children was the reason that my mum didn't go out for ages.
She and my dad will never get over losing their DD and my brother and I will never get over losing DSis.
I don't know what they would answer.
I don't know what I would answer. We talk about her all the time but it's safe to do it among ourselves.

So sorry for your loss OP.

YANBU to be upset, but it feels like your DH has - as others have said - tried to avoid a painful, upsetting and difficult conversation with new colleagues on a social evening. And his 'get over it' comment is probably clumsy language around compartmentising feelings, which rightly or wrongly is a coping strategy many men do have to rely on as there's not the same support structure or acceptance of them showing emotion.

Please do talk to him and consider the pair of you getting some grief support together, if nothing else to help you understand each others point on the grief journey and 'grief lamguage'. Sending you love ❤

Totally understandable why he said that then in the pub but utterly appalling that when you confronted him about it later he bluntly said 'well we do only have 3, she's dead' seriously who says stuff like that.

'Yabu It’s not a light easy thing to say in a pub conversation so it’s easier to say three Did you have some counselling? It sounds really difficult for you still'

I am so sorry for your loss .