To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

@LaGauchiste

He never once mentioned wanting to avoid discussion about our daughter's death. The question wasn't about if we had living children or not,but how many we had.

So, to everyone telling me that exact thing,he never said anything of that kind. Just a loud "WELL SHE IS DEAD SO IT'S TRUE". I,myself, do not like discussing it with strangers,so I would have been more understanding , had he not been laughing then sending me texts " X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth.

I am not manipulating him. Ok I get it. It's his way of grieving. So what if I don't like it? What if I don't WANT and CAN'T move on ? Maybe we are no longer compatible. Thanks everyone for your answers whether or not they were pleasant.

It's such a sad situation and I feel terribly for both you and him. He's right though that your marriage is going to be ruined if you can't somehow find a way to accept the reality of your daughter's death and move forward from it.

I find the comments of “well he’s not wrong you do only have 3 now” etc very very very insensitive

I don't agree that you have someone who had died - I don't have a mother, I don't have a big sister, I don't have a dad, I don't have an unborn baby - I did have all of these before they stopped living. Now I hold them all in my heart but it's not remotely the same as having them in my life with me.
I wouldn't tell anyone they shouldn't say "have" if they want to, but it isn't the way many grieving people would choose to refer to their lost, loved ones. I've lost my mum to me means I don't have her.
I am not saying this to disagree with the OP but to make the point that her dh saying this doesn't mean he doesn't feel his loss.
Maybe you do need some time apart OP or some counselling to help you talk together about your feelings more constructively.

I know we're all different but my grandma lost her son(my uncle) 5 years ago and still refers to him as one of her children, he always will be!

Yanbu.

But you also have to respect we all have different coping mechanisms, he isnt wrong to not want to have to bring up the death of his daughter to people who don't know her.

@Aderyn21

I think he sounds cold and utterly unfeeling. What he said subsequently would be beyond my forgiveness

This. I'm so sorry for your loss, op

@LaGauchiste

I cross posted with your last post.
M sorry he's such an arse, it would be the end of our marriage for me! I'd be telling him that I have not ruined our marriage, he has.

I'm SO sorry. It's the last thing you probably want to face right now, but you may find more peace not living with him x

@LaGauchiste

He never once mentioned wanting to avoid discussion about our daughter's death. The question wasn't about if we had living children or not,but how many we had.

So, to everyone telling me that exact thing,he never said anything of that kind. Just a loud "WELL SHE IS DEAD SO IT'S TRUE". I,myself, do not like discussing it with strangers,so I would have been more understanding , had he not been laughing then sending me texts " X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth.

I am not manipulating him. Ok I get it. It's his way of grieving. So what if I don't like it? What if I don't WANT and CAN'T move on ? Maybe we are no longer compatible. Thanks everyone for your answers whether or not they were pleasant.

Op, as you know the problem with grief, is that it's not always rational.

He clearly felt uncomfortable in the pub and said what he said. You then 'confronted' him and now he is being defensive. He shouldn't be telling f you to get over it and you shouldn't be telling him how he answers questions like that.

The fact the he came back with 'she is dead so it's true' sounds like he is trying to tell you where he is at. He may find it so painful, he can't think of her. I know loads of people who ha e gone down that route. Almost pretending it didn't happen. They don't like to hear people talk a iut the person who has gone, they just want to pretend.

Your marriage doesn't have to be over. Some joint counselling may help. I think you both just need to understand you are grieving differently and neither should be telling the other 'you must do x....'

I am so very sorry for your loss. He may prefer to answer this way because saying he has a daughter might result in questions about her and maybe he doesn't want to share with strangers what is very personal to him. People handle their grief differently.

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

Yanbu.

But you also have to respect we all have different coping mechanisms, he isnt wrong to not want to have to bring up the death of his daughter to people who don't know her.

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

But that's not the issue here, the issue is him telling LaGauchiste to get over the death of her daughter & to stop making a big deal if it.

Bastard.

" X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth.

If that is how he is actually speaking to you then he is being way to insensitive. Brutal, in fact. It might well have me questioning the relationship.

It's his way of grieving. So what if I don't like it? What if I don't WANT and CAN'T move on ? Maybe we are no longer compatible. Thanks everyone for your answers whether or not they were pleasant.

Absolutely, if you can't both discuss and respect eachother then perhaps it is time to move on.

I can also be brutal and unkind, at times when the pain is rearing up and it's unbearable.
I am not the same person I was, and I tend to keep to myself sooner than lumber anyone else with the burden I carry.
It has made me cold and unfeeling at times.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I don't think you're unreasonable to have reacted to what your DH said but I also don't think he's unreasonable for saying it. You've both then said some unkind things to each other as a result.

People grieve and remember and cope with terrible losses and events in very different ways. It's not about right and wrong, it's just different. Just because he's not doing things in a carbon copy to the way you are, it doesn't mean he's forgotten (or wants to forget).

I get why you are angry and hurt, I get that you are not over the death of your daughter. I don't get why you would be considering breaking up your family over this. Your DH sounds blunt and tactless but both of you seem to have forgotten that you cannot tell someone how they must cope with bereavement. Your DCs lost a sibling too, where are they in this thinking?

But that's not the issue here, the issue is him telling LaGauchiste to get over the death of her daughter & to stop making a big deal if it.

To be fair, the issue here is OP telling him that he must still talk about their daughter as if she's alive and her husband telling her to stop talking about their daughter as if she's alive...or to stop expecting him to talk about their daughter in that way.

I doubt her husband wakes up everyday and just says get over it if OP didn't make demands of his own grieving process. If he does, then fair enough.

OP's pain is still raw and that's valid too. People can grieve for 2, 5+ years in the same way they did when it just happened. I think this is what's clouding OP's judgement at this time. I hope she doesn't make a quick decision on their marriage in her grieving state.

You had four. You now have only three.

But hugely difficult to talk about in light company. Or even with people you know better.

I'm sorry for your loss, that is horrendous to lose a child and my heart goes out to you. He's factually correct though. However, if that had been me I would have followed up with we also had a daughter but unfortunately she died several years ago. Because by saying he only had three sons is actually wrong in itself.

@Beautiful3

I'm sorry for your loss. He's not wrong though is he? You do have 3 children right now, not 4. However maybe you could tell him to say from now on, "we had 4 but we have 3 now." However he probably doesn't like the way people enquire what happened to the 4th child. He's preempting any further questions. I understand that he doesn't want to have to discuss losing your daughter, and how.

You have no idea how hurtful ‘he’s not wrong though is he?’ is. I am actually disgusted with those of you who have said this. It’s like saying, ‘oh that one doesn’t count anymore because they’re dead.’

Awful. Just think about what you’re saying and be thankful you’ve never had to go through something so horrific. I can assure you it’s something you never get over.

When I’m asked about my children I often omit mentioning my daughter who has died. It’s not because I have forgotten about her or that I am not still completely devastated by her death, it’s just because it can change the dynamics of a conversation and sometimes I want to keep her to myself.

I’m really sorry your daughter died and I don’t think either of you are BU.

I’m so sorry op about your daughter op. During the grieving process I think it’s important to try not to attack each other if the other doesn’t behave as you feel is right. You need to try to be kind to each other.

I suspect he finds it hard to talk about and this is his way of dealing with it. It isn’t yours, just try to accept that. 💐

On a side note, I met a new woman at work a few weeks ago, she asked about any children I had, I then asked her the same back, she responded with yes I have one child, she died when she was a few days old. I felt impressed by her openness, but understood how hard it must be for her to say it to a stranger.

I think his response is completely logical.

You are entitled to phrase it your way - but he is entitled to his way too.

He is not wrong though is he? He DOES have three children. He had four, but that is not what he was asked. And in the pub with new colleagues, I expect he didn't want to say "I had four but now I have three"
I had a friend whose sister died in a tragedy. When he was asked (later on) do you have any siblings, he would say no. Because he didn't want to discuss it socially. Didn't mean he didn't love her and wasn't hurting.

OP I am so so sorry for your loss. 2 years is no time at all.
I was with him (a little) when he said you have 3 in that maybe he didn’t want to go in to it with people he didn’t know well. However, he certainly hasn’t redeemed himself with the messages he has been sending you since.

I mean he could have said we have 4 sons and a daughter that sadly passed away but I do understand why maybe he didnt especially with new people. I am sorry it hurts and I totally understand why but I think no dont get mad just let it out.