To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

OP you need help, real professional help and it sound like your DH knows that too and is trying to make you realise that. Just because you visit her grave daily in your grief doesn't mean his way of dealing with grief is any less than yours.

WRT to the 4 vs 3, I would have answered the same as your DH, as in I have 3, later on if I knew them well I might tell them I did had 4 but one passed away to avoid confusion.

FGS @MultiStorey who put you in charge of how everyone should behave? When my Dad died, I was MORE than happy to talk about it with friends and family. I needed to. I grieved and talking was part of that process.

But work was MY ESCAPE. Of course my close colleagues knew, but they had the decency to take the lead from me and carry on as normal. I would have been FURIOUS if someone had decided they knew better me as to what should happen.

Some of your arguments are reasonable but your die on a hill attitude that it should be blanket applied to everyone is skewed.

OP, my heart is breaking for you. I understand that you want to stay sad forever, it helps you to feel connected to your daughter. You may be worried that if you start to feel happy again that means you are forgetting her or that you don't love her as much.

The intensity of your grief reflects the intensity of your love for her. However, you can still love her deeply and profoundly without this level of suffering.

I know you don't want grief counselling but it won't dampen your feelings for her. You won't feel less connected to her.

I hear you that you want to suffer, but your DH and sons don't want that for you and I'm sure you wouldn't want them to still be in the amount of pain you are in.

Please reconsider specialist grief counseling. It will be an opportunity to talk about your daughter at length and discuss how much your DHs comments hurt you, how you want to stay in pain etc. It would be better to take to a professional about it than ask all of us unqualified mumsnetters.
It won't stop you loving her and it won't stop your pain, but it will be someone to talk to about all your feelings.

💐

You need help OP. You don’t sound as if you’re dealing very well with grief

OP lost her daughter quite recently. I don't think many would be "dealing well" with that.
Person after person berating her both for not respecting her husband's way of grieving, but also telling her she's doing hers wrong.

Easy to infer that according to society, the correct way is to not speak about it and move on as quickly as possible lest it cause someone discomfort.

OP, I'm not sure if you're reading or not still and I hope you're ok.

My sibling died when I was a teenager. It was obviously really terrible for my DM and everyone rallied around her for a long time. However, she became very angry that everyone else was going at a different pace to her - I and my remaining siblings had their lives to live.

She had very elaborate, all encompassing and ongoing grief rituals which impacted on everyone else and if we didn't agree with some of the things she did or said she would lash out at us saying that nobody else cared about my sibling dying.

I was very relieved to leave home and went off the rails a bit for a while when I started Uni, largely as a way of processing everything. I've had MH problems since. DM unfortunately can be quite unsympathetic about other people's losses, including a pregnancy losses.

The whole situation was also really terrible for my siblings, one became an alcoholic and also died before her time.

It has had a lasting impact as unfortunately and inevitably there have been other family bereavements and I'm very cautious about how much support I offer DM now.

To echo previous posters, I think some counselling or formal support may help you. I realise that nothing will make your DD's loss better. However, people aren't naturally wired to deal with catastrophic, out-of-order loss, and it might help you and your family for years if you get some advice and support now.

@MultiStorey

Of course you would be… keeping death ‘private’ hidden (in the period hut) is part of the culture.

It isn’t about keeping death hidden. It is about my private business being told to new colleagues. They have no need to know.

[quote MultiStorey]@Nyxly How dare I? Really easily- I just type the words.

I think the core point I made, and am now repeating is that the whole culture surrounding death and grief is dysfunctional.
It is dysfunctional that none of the other work colleagues/manager explained the husbands loss to the new colleagues so that they would be aware and considerate.
It is dysfunctional that grief has to be hidden and is seen as embarrassing or inappropriate.
It is dysfunctional that banishing the dead or forgetting them is seen as appropriate, normal or helpful.
It is dysfunctional that speaking about death or dying or the dead is seen as not normal or beyond what others should expect to have to listen to.

Just because OP’s husband is grieving to these dysfunctional rules, in no way reduces the dysfunctionality.
And the OP’s (metaphorical and literal) standing at the graveside because Society rejects her right to grieve within Society is another measure of the dysfunction. No wonder when she wants to die sad, because the culture and society dictate that if she wants to grieve, it must be done in the grieving equivalent of a Period-Hut.

You are a builder of Period Huts, and someone that sends women to them. Shame on you.[/quote]
No the shame is on you.

Yes you can type words. Well done. You can't have any empathy for people who think and feel differently. The level on entitlement you have is astounding.

I have said several times that the OP should be able to grieve how she wants. So should the husband. Then, hopefully, some how find a way to support eachother.

I am not rejecting her right to grieve. I am simply not rejecting people who choose to grieve in a different way. Callling people 'not adult enough' or 'disfunctional' is vile. Its not better than forcing the OP to grieve in a certain way.

You are doing to other people exactly what you are complaining people are doing to the op.

I feel no shame, for understand different people have different needs.

You should feel shame, for the way you are talking about people in this thread and the way they have found their way through.

@MultiStorey how dare you.

Giving birth to my dead son is the worst and most traumatic experience of my life. Standing watching him being lowered into a grave and coming home recovering from the physical aspects of giving birth with no child and the absolute heartbreak of my husband and our other children very nearly killed me.

He is one of the most precious parts of my life and its up to me to decide who I want to discuss him with. I wear his name on my neck every day with my other children. He isn't a secret but I don't owe his story to any one else any more than I do my other children's.

That doesn't make me dysfunctional.

So far, I'm not in your sad position. I think I'd say that we have three living children, which makes it clear that you have more. A close relative had three out of four DC die; cancer, knocked down by a van and car crash. She said she had one surviving DC out of four.

The OP’s husband said she should forget her daughter. Do you think that’s good advice, that should generally be offered to bereaved parents or does it horrify you as it horrified me?

He didn't say that she should forget her daughter and no one has told op to forget her.

You simply berated people for not grieving how you deem acceptable.

He shouldn't have told her to get over it, which is what he said. But neither should she dictate how he chose to speak in public, to his own colleagues.

Both are trying to dictate how the other is grieving. Neither is right to do that.

Well at least we are uniting in horror over Multistorey's twattish remarks.

@MultiStorey you are one of the most arrogant people I have ever seen on here.

You are not the authority on grieving.

WE lost one of our two sons seven years ago and if we are asked how many children we have we always say one because its easier thatn having to go into our son's death with people who didnt know him

What this thread brings into sharp focus is surely this: that everyone copes with grief differently. What is appropriate for one person can be highly inappropriate for another. And that’s why it’s such a minefield. A pp upthread mentioned that her friend is delighted that she mentions her stillborn baby on cards; my lovely friend who went through a similarly awful situation never wanted it mentioned again and would be utterly horrified if I did such a thing. So what’s the right way to react to a third grieving woman? That’s the reason for the discomfort (I think). Not that people are dysfunctional, just that they really, really don’t want to cause hurt or offence to someone who has suffered a dreadful loss….and there really, really isn’t a rule book about what to say or do. And the most well meaning person can easily inadvertently cause huge upset and offence. The OP isn’t unreasonable. The OP’s DH isn’t unreasonable. The lady who likes her stillborn baby isn’t - but neither is my friend. It’s a very personal thing….

The OP’s husband said she should forget her daughter

www.google.com/amp/s/bookriot.com/improve-your-reading-comprehension/amp/

….eek - sorry - dreadful fail there. Last bit should read “the lady who likes to see her stillborn baby mentioned as part of the family”…

@LaGauchiste

Thank you to all the sympathetic people who took their time to give me advice.

I don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad. However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.

Regarding counselling, a therapist once told me that she had realised when counselling people whose children had died that they never ‘get over it’ and that really they could talk and talk about that child forever. I don’t think counselling is about trying to stop you being sad or betraying your child’s memory. It might give you a space to talk about your child or help you manage dealing with situations like the one with your husband though

@MultiStorey who told the op they should 'stfu'?

A few minutes ago you were claiming the husband told her to forget her daughter.

Now people told her to shut the fuck up?

I think most people have told her, in varying ways of sensitivity, that she can't dictate how he is his grieving and dealing with it.

You seem to think she can because she is dealing with it, how you think is acceptable.

She of course can race how she wants. You can't think what you want, but it won't stop others thinking that she is unreasonable and its not ok.

If someone, in real life, tells you they would prefer to not speak about a dead loved one do you tell them in real life they are nor adults and dysfunctional?

Your loss is so recent; you will both say things that come out wrong, you will both lash out and you're both hurting just the same. Don't lose each other OP over this. I'm so sorry about your daughter

I’m sorry for your loss.

But I think you’re overreacting. He maybe didn’t want to explain in the pub that he used to have 4 children, but his daughter tragically died.

YANBU for how you feel, but YABU for how you're reacting to your husband's way of grieving. Men & women grieve very differently, and that's before you take into account personal differences.

Going forward you should speak and agree on how you speak about your children in future and bear in mind that you both don't have to say the same things.

The thread is about a grieving couple
The OP could talk to anyone about her loss, she can't insist her husband does the same.
I don't expect you to understand that, involves considering two people's points of view.