To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

Disturbing is right.
I find it hard to fathom what makes people like that tick, and to imagine how they function and presumably thrive, in normal society.

It is appalling how many people prioritize the supposed discomfort of strangers.
I dont think anyone is saying that its rhe strangers discomfort keeping the ops dh from mentioning his dds death, more that thr conversations is too raw and painful for him. I dont tbink its up to anyone on here, to say how a father who has recently buried his child, ought to grieve. He, like the op, has to get through life the best he can

I don’t want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again.

My husband never really talks about his feelings. I am the one always pushing for discussion.

What you are describing here is a total mismatch of the way you both deal with your respective grief. You want to think and talk about your dd constantly, to submerge yourself in your identity of who she was, who you were when she was alive.

Your dh is dealing with it by never talking about her because it is too painful. Too painful and scary to even talk about her to you. Yet you expect him to talk about her to two new colleagues. And when he doesn’t, you have concluded he doesn’t care or care enough when in reality just mentioning her for him is too scary.

Unable to cope with talking about your dd to you, he shut down. She is dead… you need to get over it because this is how he deals with it.

Your ways of dealing with your grief could not be more opposing. The way I’m reading this is that your husband loves and cares deeply about you; he just can’t do and be the person you want him to be because he’s him. I can totally understand why it feels so cruel to you and I can only imagine your pain. .

But you are not ever going to get him to grieve the way you want him to grieve. Or to be the support that you need because he’s not really able to even support himself.

Rather like your dh is too scared to talk about your dd, I think you’re actually too scared to start living again and staying submerged in your grief feels more comfortable however strange that sounds. One day, you will perhaps make another choice, such as to find strength in living in the belief that living will also honour your dd.

You have both reached a stalemate. Your dh is too frightened and overwhelmed to talk about your dd and you’re too frightened and overwhelmed to have counselling.

If you ever do reach a point of both going to grief counselling together, a good counsellor will unpick this and give you both strength to support one another an ultimately be able to talk about your dd to one another. This is actually what you want, isn’t it? To be able to lean on your dh. Because right now, you’re doing the opposite. Tearing strips out of each other as neither can understand why the other is reacting in such a strange and alien want.

I feel so very sad for you. I’ve had a deep deep depression when my dad died when I was a child and I received no comfort or love to deal with my grief. There was something strangely comforting in staying in that place in a way and it took me so many years to get out of it. I feel as though you are in that place right now. At the bottom of that well, snuggling up in your pain and using it to comfort you.

@MultiStorey

Great post. Some of the comments on here have made me properly angry

I’m sure he doesn’t mean that your daughter never existed. It’s probably too painful for him to explain her death to strangers and have their condolences and pity. You both live with losing your daughter and I can see why he wouldn’t want to explain the circumstances to randoms.

@MultiStorey

This is one of the saddest most disturbing threads I’ve ever seen on Mumsnet, and could be used as a case study on dysfunctional death rituals in the UK.

It is appalling how many people prioritize the supposed discomfort of strangers. If you are an adult you should be able to cope with “we lost our daughter”. The reply is “I’m so so sorry, that is just awful.” Which leaves it open to the grieving parents to move the conversation on, or not.

Those who would say “you have no daughter” are as emotionally mature as the school yard bully chanting “your mother’s dead” to a grieving child. They should hang their heads in shame, at the ghastliness of saying that to a grieving mother.

How dare you, tell people how they should grieve. There's people on this thread who are in ops position and deal with it this way. Who are you to tell them that's not ok and they aren't 'adult' enough. And wrong.

Firstly, it's not often about prioritising strangers. It's about prioritising yourself. It's about what you need.

And some people do, do it (in part) for the comfort of strangers. But, really, usually it's because of the impact on themselves that comes our of the uncomfortableness. Sometimes, it's just nor a subject you want to bring up , sometimes you just can't. Sometimes you want sometime where ots nor dominating the immediate converstation.

And no, many adults don't want to say 'we lost our daughter' especially so early on.

There is no one way to deal with this. You have no right to tell anyone they are wrong. Or not they should be able to cope with saying X. That's your emotional immaturity. Because you believe, the way you think it should be is the only way.

My family is Irish. We talk about people we have lost all the time. They are still here and death isn't something taht isn't mentioned. But in those first few years, people all react differently. Some get comfort from taking about in the same way they did before. Some do not. Further down the line some do find comfort is talking about them. Grieving is a changeable state. People change how they deal with it.

I do agree, that people telling the op she doesn't have a daughter are wrong and vile, even if you feel that way from your loss. Its clear op does not.

But I don't think your post is any better.

@Multistorey there is no correct way to grieve and you can’t tell someone how they should do it.

Oh my goodness. That's so sad for the pair of you I'm really sorry. What an awful way to be put on the spot. Why didn't you say anything at the time?

What's he like emotionally in other circumstances? I only ask because in our society men have been expected to not show and hold in emotions at all times. Drummed into them by parent, teachers and the like ever since they were children. It's really sad that showing emotions is seen as a sign of weakness in men but normal for women.

Maybe at that moment he just didn't want to say as it would lead to more questions - how old was she, when did it happen etc. - a conversation that he didn't want to have as it's so personal.

Cut him a bit of slack. He's hurting but probably doesn't know what to do about it.

@MultiStorey

This is one of the saddest most disturbing threads I’ve ever seen on Mumsnet, and could be used as a case study on dysfunctional death rituals in the UK.

It is appalling how many people prioritize the supposed discomfort of strangers. If you are an adult you should be able to cope with “we lost our daughter”. The reply is “I’m so so sorry, that is just awful.” Which leaves it open to the grieving parents to move the conversation on, or not.

Those who would say “you have no daughter” are as emotionally mature as the school yard bully chanting “your mother’s dead” to a grieving child. They should hang their heads in shame, at the ghastliness of saying that to a grieving mother.

How dare you lecture bereaved people on how to handle their bereavement? What gives you the right to decide what is dysfunctional?

Maybe it would be nice if we lived in a society where devastating bereavements could be dropped into casual conversation without dropping a beat. But that’s not the world we live in.

Poster after poster on here has described how they prefer to not to mention their dead child to casual acquaintances. And you think you have the right to tell them that they are doing it wrong?

I can understand why he said three, it avoids further questioning which may lead to him having to explain that your DD has died.

YABU in your reaction, it is really OTT.

I think in this situation it's hard, I can see why he wouldn't want to get into a conversation about his daughters death with new colleague in a pub.

However yanbu to be upset and certainly he shouldn't be telling you to get over it. You'll always have 4 kids.

How you move on I don't know, I suppose this is why some relationships break down after the death of a child, because of different ways of grieving.

My heart goes out to you both.

@MultiStorey

This is one of the saddest most disturbing threads I’ve ever seen on Mumsnet, and could be used as a case study on dysfunctional death rituals in the UK.

It is appalling how many people prioritize the supposed discomfort of strangers. If you are an adult you should be able to cope with “we lost our daughter”. The reply is “I’m so so sorry, that is just awful.” Which leaves it open to the grieving parents to move the conversation on, or not.

Those who would say “you have no daughter” are as emotionally mature as the school yard bully chanting “your mother’s dead” to a grieving child. They should hang their heads in shame, at the ghastliness of saying that to a grieving mother.

Grieving parents aren't some homogenous group of people with a hive mind, they are still individuals who all behave, think and feel differently. Who are you to say what people should or shouldn't do?

It is dysfunctional that none of the other work colleagues/manager explained the husbands loss to the new colleagues so that they would be aware and considerate

I'd be furious if someone at work took it upon themselves to tell others about my personal life, it's up to me to do that if I feel comfortable. It's also not helpful to have people tiptoe round, feel awkward about what to say, apologise profousley if they feel they have put their foot in it; again, stop dictating what you think people want.

because the culture and society dictate that if she wants to grieve, it must be done in the grieving equivalent of a Period-Hut.

No they don't, but in this situation there were 2 grieving parents, one didn't want to talk about it and one did, why should the one who did (to people who weren't their workmates) have divine right to without the other getting annoyed, because you feel it smashes the status quo?

The important thing is that he loved your daughter and showed her that while she was living. I think you are being unfair to him, but I do understand your upset.

multistorey the husband has the right to feel and process his daughters death however he wishes. Some people don’t fall apart. They carry on.
This is equally true of men and women not everyone is locked in to grief and their own feelings they have to consider the wellbeing of others.

** I think him saying he has 3 sons is probably much easier to cope with than him having to tell 2 very new colleagues about the sad loss of your daughter in a social situation.
I can totally see why he did it.**

^This. YABU

@MultiStorey

* It is dysfunctional that none of the other work colleagues/manager explained the husbands loss to the new colleagues so that they would be aware and considerate.*

^Are you for real? I would be furious if my manager did this.

You need help OP. You don’t sound as if you’re dealing very well with grief and are making things worse. I hope you get the help you need

[quote MultiStorey]@Nyxly How dare I? Really easily- I just type the words.

I think the core point I made, and am now repeating is that the whole culture surrounding death and grief is dysfunctional.
It is dysfunctional that none of the other work colleagues/manager explained the husbands loss to the new colleagues so that they would be aware and considerate.
It is dysfunctional that grief has to be hidden and is seen as embarrassing or inappropriate.
It is dysfunctional that banishing the dead or forgetting them is seen as appropriate, normal or helpful.
It is dysfunctional that speaking about death or dying or the dead is seen as not normal or beyond what others should expect to have to listen to.

Just because OP’s husband is grieving to these dysfunctional rules, in no way reduces the dysfunctionality.
And the OP’s (metaphorical and literal) standing at the graveside because Society rejects her right to grieve within Society is another measure of the dysfunction. No wonder when she wants to die sad, because the culture and society dictate that if she wants to grieve, it must be done in the grieving equivalent of a Period-Hut.

You are a builder of Period Huts, and someone that sends women to them. Shame on you.[/quote]
You are a builder of Period Huts, and someone that sends women to them. Shame on you

You've heard her, bereaved parents. Be ashamed if you don't want to grieve the way @multistorey dictates 🙄

There are many, many different cultures of grieving. Some traditional societies never mention the dead person's name. Others take their dead relatives' bodies out of the tomb and dress them up once a year. No doubt you know better than all these people, too, @Multistorey? Why not pop over to Polynesia and give them the benefit of your wisdom? Don't hurry back.

Then you look at the distress of the OP, and her husband do you think “Well that’s one thing we’re doing a good job of?

Ah, so you think that it's society's handling of bereavement and not the loss of their beloved daughter that's causing their distress? And, if only we marked death like the Victorians/ancient Egyptians/Mexicans (insert whichever glib cultural reference you've just Googled), they would be just fine? You're not very bright, are you? People who want to dictate how everyone else should behave rarely are.

Anyway, I have work so can’t get back until this evening.

That's a real shame, how is anyone going to cope without you dictating how they should feel.