To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

It sounds like he’s worried about you. The way you say you’d feel you’re betraying her if you’re ever happy again makes me think his response comes from a place of being worries for you.

My brother died when I was 9, of SIDS, my mother as never the same again, it fundamentally changed her, but she never ever spoke of him. She claimed to have no memory of his birthday or anything. I think it was a huge factor in her subsequent mental breakdown as she just didn’t grieve she ignored it.

It’s not healthy to ignore it, but it’s also not healthy to want to be sad forever. You both sound so sad. I feel fit you both.

Sorry I missed the part in your OP where you said 2019, Christ it was so recent. Of course it's still so raw. Even if he didn't want to mention it to colleagues, what he said to you after is unforgivable. I'm not saying the pain goes away but if it was twenty years ago you might've had chance to develop coping mechanisms for these situations, it was two years ago and she's your child. He's horrendous.

@LaGauchiste

Thank you to all the sympathetic people who took their time to give me advice.

I don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad. However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.

don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again.

My friends feel the same.

I hope your husband apologises unreservedly to you.

I haven't voted.
I don't think he was initially wrong for saying 3 boys but when she mentioned specifically 'no girls' - he was wrong to deny that. I would have been extremely hurt but would have spoken up at the time and wouldn't have cared if it had caused any social discomfort.
It is one of those very sensitive subjects that can be difficult to discuss with people you are not overly familiar with.
I am so sorry for your loss x

@Slippy78 Enough.

Why are you persisting with this statement when you know how much distress it is causing the op? It's despicable.

@TaraR2020
I'm not persisting with anything. I just read the OP and gave an honest answer, I haven't had a chance to read any of the other replies yet.

That almost makes the insensitivity worse - that you couldn't wait to read further without making such a comment.

I sincerely (despite how vile you're being) hope you never have cause to listen to this kind of statement aimed at you slippy.

@Slippy78

But you don't have 4 children, you only have 3.

You used to have 4.

Do you think the op doesn't know her own situation.

What sort of person reads an emotional post from a bereaved mother and their first thought is to write that sort of utterly heartless statement.

Absolutely disgusting.

I see a lot of posts saying that his reasoning for saying 3 is because he doesn't want to get into it, it's too painful, he's in denial, etc... maybe he says 3 because he really does feel the answer is 3. It isn't denial or avoidance, it's just his honest answer. And OP feels like the honest answer is 4. Grammatically, I think his answer is more correct, but I don't think this issue can be solved with a grammar textbook.

@BrokenLampShade

There’s no reason he couldn’t have said 4 children and also not had to mention that your DD had died aswell if he didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable The next thing the colleagues were going to say was hardly going to be ‘and are they all alive?’ Was it?! He just had to say, ‘4 and you?’ And kept the conversation moving

You might not ask more but not everyone is the same. People usually love talking about their kids so if I’m making small talk with might follow it up with something like oh four, how lovely, are they local? Or do you get to see much of them? Etc. Usually people will then say well my oldest lives in the same village, the next one is living in Canada and the twins are at uni. Or whatever. I can see the OP’s point but I don’t think there’s any right or wrong here. We also have no idea how the OP and her DH have been dealing with their loss separately and together thus far.

My dh has 4 dc, he says to most people he has 3 as he'll do anything to avoid talking to people who aren't close about his eldest a ds, who died. Believe me, he never stops thinking of him and loves him every day of his life.

I'd be very upset at the "get over it" comment though.

I also agree with @ABCeasyasdohrayme that comment was disgusting.

I still don't understand how him telling her that she doesn't have three children anymore is unforgivable, but her threatening to divorce him for not telling his new colleagues that he had a child who died is perfectly fine.

@PurpleOkapi

I still don't understand how him telling her that she doesn't have three children anymore is unforgivable, but her threatening to divorce him for not telling his new colleagues that he had a child who died is perfectly fine.

Grief is such a complicated emotion. It isn't always rational.

I made some really questionable decisions, and definitely took my anger at the death of my children out on pretty innocent things because it was a tangible reason to be angry in the early days, and two years in is still very early days.

It was probably somewhere between 5-8 years that I actually began dealing with things in a more 'traditional' (for want of a better word) way.

I understand why you are so upset but I also see his point of view, he didn't want to discuss it with new colleagues in the pub. It doesn't mean he doesn't miss her but he chooses to deal with it differently to you. You need to sit down and talk calmly about how you deal with similar situations in the future so you aren't upset by his method of dealing with such an upsetting situation

@LaGauchiste

Thank you to all the sympathetic people who took their time to give me advice.

I don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad. However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.

Let me preface by saying that I respect your right to deal with this tragic loss in any way you deem fit. My sister hasn't mentioned the son she lost since his funeral over 40 years ago. Any mention of him is verboten. My niece visits her son's grave weekly, talks about him freely, and I think feels much the same way as you do.

But I also think that your husband loves you and that he will not be able to 'get better and manage to live with the grief' when you have chosen not to do so, yourself. And so he is being pulled in two directions; wanting to heal himself but yet not wanting to 'leave you behind' in your grief. This may be at the root of his what seem to be uncaring remarks.

Do your two ways of handling grief present an insurmountable problem? I don't know. But I do know that counseling can help. Not to change your feelings if you don't want to, but to help each of you to understand the other and to find a path that both of you can walk together.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I do, however, understand why your husband said what he said. Easier than discussing what happened to your daughter. It must be horrible having to bring it up to everyone who asks about children. Please, please try to forgive him for dealing with it differently to you.

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

Oh, I know. I can understand the strong emotions that drove her to react in that way. I just can't understand the posters telling her that what he did was so heinous that she's right to never want to speak to him again, as though he's 100% of the problem here. If she deserves the benefit of the doubt for being overwhelmed by grief, then it seems to me like he does, too.

I don’t think he was in the wrong when he initially gave the answer. I have a friend whose child died and they give a different answer for number of kids depending on where they are and who they are with. I guess it’s because there is a chance of follow up questions and with some people they are comfortable with that, and not with others. It’s understandable.

I do think his response to you at home was unreasonable but it seems you both have different grieving and coping mechanisms and can’t let the other do it their way.

I thought he was being unreasonable with how he was treating you until I read this ‘ I don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad. However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.’

I’ve lost both my dad and brother recently and I look at it like this- I can either be sad forever, which is pointless really since life is so valuable and they lost theirs prematurely, my brother spending nearly a year fighting for his life.

Or I can realise that I can’t change what’s happened, I was very lucky to have them in my life and I don’t have to feel sad for the rest of my life and it is ok to move on and enjoy what I have, since it’s what they wanted so much and couldn’t have it.

When someone has lost their life so young, do you really think they’d want someone to spend their life not getting help for their grief and wanting to feel sad forever? Or do you think they’d want you to enjoy what they couldn’t have op?

Please, get yourself some support with this. It really can’t be good for the other 3 to go through what they have and then see you like this.

*But you don't have 4 children, you only have 3.

You used to have 4*

You are a horrible, horrible person @Slippy78 hope you got the sick little kick you wanted out of upsetting an already grieving mother (of 4) more.

However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.
With the greatest respect, i don't tbink you do. You are punishing him for coping with it in a way ypu don't deem acceptable. Please stop the silent treatment, it is childish and unproductive You need to talk. Fundamentally you are in very different places. Neither of you is right or wrong, just different. If you don't respect that, i think staying together is going to destroy you both

Some of the posters on here are lower than a snakes belly. Always the same horrible bastards but even this is a new low for them. I'm so sorry for your loss OP, I am 100% with you, just because your daughter isn't here anymore she's still your daughter and your husband not acknowledging that I would find very painful too. Some people on here are bullies plain and simple, sad fuckers. I'm sorry that you've had to read some of their comments