@LaGauchiste
Dear OP,
When my sister died, my Dad said the hospital staff told him and my mum that they should “go to counselling because most couples don’t survive this and the majority get divorced”
They didn’t get counselling.
But they also didn’t divorce.
I think they dealt with things differently but they somehow managed to draw strength from one another... perhaps because they allowed each other to grieve in their own way.
The pain will never go away.
When my Dad died, someone sent a card that said the pain of grief will never go completely, because grief is the price we pay for love. The greater the love, the greater the pain.
It might be that your husband cannot connect with those feelings of grief because they will overwhelm him if he does. So he keeps them at arms length and in doing so, there’s a distance created between the two of you.
He may be doing it to avoid distressing conversations. And be unaware of what he’s doing.
You need each other. Your sons need you both.
I needed my parents, even when grief was suffocating them.
Don’t let anyone tell you there is a right or wrong way to grieve.
You will always have a daughter.
I will always have a sister.
But not everybody knows how to navigate grief the same way as you... and your husband is grieving too- even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like the same as your grief.
My Dad said that the hardest part is when the funeral is over and everyone carries on. The world keeps spinning and people stop asking, stop mentioning your daughter, stop acknowledging your loss- scared of making you feel worse.
You are not alone. You’re feelings are valid. Grief is devastating.
Try communicating with your husband. Acknowledge his feelings, even if he finds it hard or does it differently to you.
I am so sorry that your daughter has died. I cannot even begin to fathom how you must feel.
All I know, is that time will not diminish your loss. But your love for her will always be greater. And that’s why your grief will stay with you forever.
I hope you find some peace in the small things. And that you allow yourself to live in a way that pays tribute your daughter. To honour each day and not feel guilty for smiling.
My Dad and my sister never got to grow old. So I try and honour the time I have and remember that each day I get is a privilege not a guarantee.
But I have lost a parent and a sibling. Not a child. And even if I had, everyone is unique.
It’s been 30 years and my Mum still cries.
I wouldn’t dream of telling her it’s time to move on.
Feelings are not mutually exclusive. You can be happy and devastated in the same breath.
You will always be a mother to four.
Most importantly, making the most of everything you still have doesn’t mean you have forgotten her.
Even at my happiest, when I’m laughing out loud, I am always just a gasp away from tears. But my God, I fight to be happy and when I smile, I think of them and say: “I’m wearing the smile you gave me”
Torturing ourselves won’t bring them back.
But like you, I struggle to let the sadness go, it would feel like an abandonment. But I’m working on it.
And I know my Dad would want me to make the most of all I have.
What would your daughter have wanted for you? 