To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I think you're both grieving differently, you were both right. He was not right to tell you how to grieve though. Take a deep breath and let him apologise for that. I don't think he needs to say he has 4 children if he's avoiding further discussion with colleagues. He said he loves you, he's just in a different place with his grief right now.

My sister died when I was in my teens. When first meeting new people I often only say I have 1 brother. There isn't a single day we don't think about her but perhaps because she's so important to me I only tell people that I think well of and can trust.

I understand your pain, OP. I also understand why your husband didn't mention your daughter at the pub. Saying that she'll always be your daughter and her being dead doesn't change that. That's where your DH needs to think again.

Where is everyone getting that I wanted him to tell his coworkers about your daughter's death ???! I never ever said that. Stop. All I said is that I would have preferred if he said that he had 4 children. How does that transforms to " He doesn't want to discuss his daughter's death front of XY AND Z" ?

Because of the very strong possibility for follow-up questions, "what do they all do?" "Ooh, 3 boys and 1 girl eh? I bet she gets spoilt" which then force you to either keep lying by omission to the point where it starts getting awkward or straight up say "actually our daughter passed away".

Maybe I'm generalizing but maybe a woman would be more likely to say immediately when asked how many kids they have, that she has 3, she had 4 but one sadly passed away.

A bloke would tend to not go into that on first being asked.

I mean, not that it's the same but I had 2 miscarriages, but I don't go into that immediately with most people, especially men. I say 'It just didn't work out that way for me.'

I don't know many people who would talk as if a loved one they lost was still alive, deliberately, except maybe in the first year or so IDK. I suppose it's only been a couple of years.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I can only think those saying yabu have never lost immediate family at a young age.

I have. That would be me done.

Yes I have. Twice. I would have said exactly what her husband said.

@LaGauchiste

Where is everyone getting that I wanted him to tell his coworkers about your daughter's death ???! I never ever said that. Stop. All I said is that I would have preferred if he said that he had 4 children. How does that transforms to " He doesn't want to discuss his daughter's death front of XY AND Z" ?

First of all, when I confronted him. I was crying and did ask him why he said that. As I said before, had he said he didn't want to discuss it. I would have respected it. I was crying, and he was angry. My husband never really talks about his feeling. I am always the one pushing for discussion. My 3 sons are adults and do not longer live with us. But I know they often speak about their sister, we visit her grave all together once a month. I go there every day. So I can understand that it might be too much for my husband. But I never force him to do anything.

Some comments are really cruel. I perfectly know that talking about her won't make her "less dead".

In the nicest possible way this… As I said before, had he said he didn't want to discuss it. I would have respected it completely contradicts this My husband never really talks about his feeling. I am always the one pushing for discussion.

You are both dealing with your grief very differently and I think you should consider counselling (together ideally) to work out how to mesh those ways.

You were being unreasonable confronting him over his way of dealing with the loss of your DD in general conversation.

You’ve had a lot to deal with dealing with the loss of your DD and a global pandemic. Good quality therapy really can change your life. It doesn’t make loss less, or pain less, but it can really help with dealing with each other and life generally better.

As I said before, had he said he didn't want to discuss it. I would have respected it. I was crying, and he was angry.

@LaGauchiste You told him off for saying how many children he currently has when asked, and not putting it in the 'right' way that you wanted. He didn't do anything wrong except maybe lose his temper/be a bit impatient, when you had already gone off on one at him for not saying someone's alive who's not.

@LaGauchiste

Where is everyone getting that I wanted him to tell his coworkers about your daughter's death ???! I never ever said that. Stop. All I said is that I would have preferred if he said that he had 4 children. How does that transforms to " He doesn't want to discuss his daughter's death front of XY AND Z" ?

First of all, when I confronted him. I was crying and did ask him why he said that. As I said before, had he said he didn't want to discuss it. I would have respected it. I was crying, and he was angry. My husband never really talks about his feeling. I am always the one pushing for discussion. My 3 sons are adults and do not longer live with us. But I know they often speak about their sister, we visit her grave all together once a month. I go there every day. So I can understand that it might be too much for my husband. But I never force him to do anything.

Some comments are really cruel. I perfectly know that talking about her won't make her "less dead".

OP I think that is your answer, he doesn’t talk about his feelings. I also think that he can’t cope with your emotions as he doesn’t know how to fix,help or heal you.like when someone gives you and hug and says dry your tears it’s not about you but their helplessness. I have a feeling he feels completely helpless as he couldn’t save your daughter either. I don’t believe he wants you to get over it, he just can’t cope with grief, his or yours.

Thank you to all the sympathetic people who took their time to give me advice.

I don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad. However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.

@Twasacceptableinthe80s

I'm the exact opposite. I am not and never was an only child. If I said I was the weight of disloyalty I would feel would break me. I will never deny my brother. I don't give a fuck if it makes people awkward or uncomfortable. I will always honour him by acknowledging he is and always will be my brother. It's the very least I can do.

He's not unreasonable for not wanting to discuss such a sensitive subject in a casual chat in a pub - I don't blame him in the slightest. He is unreasonable for telling you that you need to get over it though.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I can only think those saying yabu have never lost immediate family at a young age.

I have. That would be me done.

So you think you have an absolute right to dictate how a partner grieves, to the point of divorcing them if they don’t comply with what you want? That’s incredibly controlling behaviour that would have MN screaming LTB if it came from a man.

I am so truly sorry for your loss Op. I hope you and your DH manage to find a way through this together (assuming he's an ordinarily decent man).

I also hope you manage to find some peace for yourself

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When we were grieving, the best advice we were given was never judge how the other person grieves. Grief comes in waves and your lows might come at a time when your partner feels like he's coping and vice versa. Also we all deal with it in such different ways that it becomes a very lonely place to be.

From your post it seems like he was just trying to keep the conversation light hearted at the pub. Only you know if this is the case or if he genuinely doesn't care about your daughter.

You need some help OP not the Internet. Raging on here won't help nor will raging at your husband....he lost her too. You're picking a fight with him. Maybe try to find a counsellor to help. You must be in unbearable pain.

@LaGauchiste

Thank you to all the sympathetic people who took their time to give me advice.

I don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad. However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.

Oh OP, this just makes my heart break even more for you. You are allowed to be sad forever. Of course you are. But you and your husband sound lost in the pain of the grief. Seeking grief councelling isn’t to stop you being sad. It’s to help you and your husband find each other again. Don’t let this break you up. I strongly suspect your daughter would not have wanted her parents to be broken apart by this.

@LaGauchiste

Thank you to all the sympathetic people who took their time to give me advice.

I don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad. However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.

I can’t believe some of the unkind and inconsiderate/insensitive comments here. Just stop. OP, I am so sorry for your loss and totally get why you feel like that. Your daughter will always be a part of your family and you felt that should be acknowledged. I hope you and your husband can talk this out between you and come to an understanding you are both happy with. I would love to give you a hug irl and say from the bottom of my heart that I am sorry for your pain xx

I would take the 'get over it' as get over your anger that I didn't say I had a daughter while we were out socializing.

Without hearing your husband's side of the story and given your still very raw grief - I think you are coming at this in two very different ways and not able to see the other's point of view.

It isn't healthy for you or your family to want to stay as sad as possible forever.

And the silent treatment is manipulative / passive aggressive.

@SoniaFouler

I meant the first part, not the “you need to get over it” part

I don't think you ever get over the loss of a child. OP needs to learn to live with it.

OP, you have 4 children. But you need to respect your DHs views too.

My dad died (suicide) when I was young. Very young. My grandma tells people she has one son, my uncle. She says she hates making people feel awkward if she has to mention her son that died, so it’s easier just to say one son.

Could he have been saying you need to get over the conversation rather than get over your dds death.

Everyone deals with their own grief in different ways, I think not talking to him is bei unreasonable.

OP,
My sincerest sympathy to you.

Of course you will grieve forever, how could you not.

Of course he could have said 4 and nothing more.

He chose not to and of course that is doubly painful.

Him telling you to get over it is extraordinarily insensitive.

The sad thruth is that many marriages do not survive such a loss.

Perhaps yours won't.

People do handle grief differently and that can indeed become a huge area of conflict.

I have no advice because I just can't imagine the grief you are going through.

2 years is nothing on the road that has been foisted on you.

So sorry for your loss, it’s something that you’ll never get over. I hope you can learn to live with it though and be happy and smile. It would never be a betrayal of your daughter.

@LaGauchiste

Thank you to all the sympathetic people who took their time to give me advice.

I don't want any counselling, I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again. I want to die sad. However, I want my husband to get better and manage to live with the grief.

Do you think your dd would want you to be sad forever? No she would want you to have happy times with her brothers, making more memories,

@LaGauchiste It’s still very early days, very raw, and you will be in the deepest, darkest depths of grief. It’ll ease a little with time, and when that happens it’ll be the right thing for you; you absolutely won’t be betraying your much loved and very precious daughter if once in a while you manage to feel okay. However I completely understand why you feel the way you do.

Don’t let the grief tear your marriage apart. If you love him and if in your heart of hearts you know he’s a good man, then forgive and let your anger dissipate. Try to be generous toward your DH, as he is suffering too.

I can’t believe some of the unkind and inconsiderate/insensitive comments here

Where? The only dubious comments I have seen are from posters egging the OP on to think the worst of her husband at a time when they desperately need each other’s support.