To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

Where is everyone getting that I wanted him to tell his coworkers about your daughter's death ???! I never ever said that. Stop. All I said is that I would have preferred if he said that he had 4 children. How does that transforms to " He doesn't want to discuss his daughter's death front of XY AND Z" ?

First of all, when I confronted him. I was crying and did ask him why he said that. As I said before, had he said he didn't want to discuss it. I would have respected it. I was crying, and he was angry. My husband never really talks about his feeling. I am always the one pushing for discussion. My 3 sons are adults and do not longer live with us. But I know they often speak about their sister, we visit her grave all together once a month. I go there every day. So I can understand that it might be too much for my husband. But I never force him to do anything.

Some comments are really cruel. I perfectly know that talking about her won't make her "less dead".

OP, my hear goes out to you. Losing a child is difficult but it's even harder when a couple grieve differently.

You way is your way and his way is his way. Both are the best way for each of you but neither is better.

Please don't let grief destroy your relationship. Have either of you received bereavement counselling, perhaps it can help you both individually but also to see that each others way of dealing with it is not intended to hurt or distress the other.

@LaGauchiste

Where is everyone getting that I wanted him to tell his coworkers about your daughter's death ???! I never ever said that. Stop. All I said is that I would have preferred if he said that he had 4 children. How does that transforms to " He doesn't want to discuss his daughter's death front of XY AND Z" ?

First of all, when I confronted him. I was crying and did ask him why he said that. As I said before, had he said he didn't want to discuss it. I would have respected it. I was crying, and he was angry. My husband never really talks about his feeling. I am always the one pushing for discussion. My 3 sons are adults and do not longer live with us. But I know they often speak about their sister, we visit her grave all together once a month. I go there every day. So I can understand that it might be too much for my husband. But I never force him to do anything.

Some comments are really cruel. I perfectly know that talking about her won't make her "less dead".

It COULD turn into a conversation about your daughters death though, which is probably why he didn't mention her. He has three alive children that it isn't painful to speak about in conversation. You don't know how a conversation is going to go. I understand why he wouldn't say 'four', just in case.

I'm sorry you lost your daughter, I couldn't imagine x

Where is everyone getting that I wanted him to tell his coworkers about your daughter's death ???! I never ever said that. Stop. All I said is that I would have preferred if he said that he had 4 children. How does that transforms to " He doesn't want to discuss his daughter's death front of XY AND Z" ?

You DH will be working with these people. At some point, if he had mentioned your DD, someone will ask about her while he's at work. Then he'd be faced with explaining that she'd died at a time he wasn't prepared for it. He was just trying to protect himself from a conversation he didn't feel prepared to have.

@LaGauchiste

Where is everyone getting that I wanted him to tell his coworkers about your daughter's death ???! I never ever said that. Stop. All I said is that I would have preferred if he said that he had 4 children. How does that transforms to " He doesn't want to discuss his daughter's death front of XY AND Z" ?

First of all, when I confronted him. I was crying and did ask him why he said that. As I said before, had he said he didn't want to discuss it. I would have respected it. I was crying, and he was angry. My husband never really talks about his feeling. I am always the one pushing for discussion. My 3 sons are adults and do not longer live with us. But I know they often speak about their sister, we visit her grave all together once a month. I go there every day. So I can understand that it might be too much for my husband. But I never force him to do anything.

Some comments are really cruel. I perfectly know that talking about her won't make her "less dead".

Gently op, the conversation may have moved on to ages and then what they are doing for work etc. It's not a leap to imagine that they would have wanted more information about what your children are doing.

I totally understand your feeling, I don't think there was a good way for it to be handled, you may have felt just as awful had he got into the situation where he mentioned her and then had to mention her death.

Its easy to say that you should have had a discussion rather than a confrontation, because its done now. A conversation about managing expectations in public and what to say would be a good way forward, you both have to listen and adapt if it's going to work because this will happen again unfortunately.

OP you must see that a comment about the four children you share could have easily led to further comments and questions (especially about your daughter as the only girl with several brothers). There is no way you can control what happens next when you tell someone something about your family. Not mentioning his dd was one way not to risk being asked about her.
It's such a shame you're not able to be the support for each other that you each need. Maybe time will improve your relationship - it is still such early days for your loss. Have you decided to return home Op?

How does that transforms to " He doesn't want to discuss his daughter's death front of XY AND Z" ?

Oh love. You are blinded by your grief.

He is thinking that it's not true to say he has four children, when for him, it's an important distinction that he has 3 but had four. It's important to him to acknowledge her death, and he realises that if he says the above it invites questions he really doesn't want to answer and a conversation he doesn't want to have.

It's important to you to acknowledge her as a child of yours in a different way. Neither of you are wrong. Please don't break up your marriage over this. Please speak to someone . There is no wrong way to grieve but there is a wrong way to deal with related events and you need an impartial person to talk this through with.

But OP, when you answer the ‘how many kids do you have’ question, you have no idea if they’ll say ‘oh that’s nice’ or ‘what ages are they? What jobs do they do? What does your daughter think of having 3 brothers?’

And before you know it, you’re having to explain to some strangers that your child has died, and you’ve shifted the entire dynamic of the room

Some people value the truth more than maintaining the status quo with colleagues

Others just want to move the conversation on without having to reveal their deepest pain to relative strangers.

OP I’m very sorry for your loss and I also had a daughter that died.
I’ve learned that everyone deals with their grief in very different ways.
I think of my daughter every single day but if relative strangers ask me how many children I have I answer 3 instead of 4.
I do have 3 children & TBH I don't want to share my heartbreak with a new work colleague & I don’t think it’s fair on them to have to scramble for the ‘right’ sentiment.

I think you are being too harsh on Him. Your husband hasn’t erased your daughter, he just didn’t want a stranger asking questions about her in the pub. It’s a natural response, even if yours would have been a different response.
I’m sorry for your immense loss, must feel so hard to put one foot in front of the other

Both of you are right. I am sure you are both grieving differently.

He probably didn't want to bring up her death on a night out. You both cope with the loss in your own way and I think you need to cut him some slack.

You're not wrong to feel upset, but he's not wrong to avoid the subject with work colleagues.

I can only think those saying yabu
have never lost immediate family at a young age.

I have. That would be me done.

I voted YABU, but acknowledge I might also be in your shoes. Was he just avoiding awkwardness? He is not being unreasonable to cope with things his own way. He was BU to say you need to get over it. YABU in saying you never want to see him again. He loves you and I bet will be feeling terrible.

Have you had grief counselling OP? You sound very very angry wit your husband and everyone on this thread. That emotion is completely understandable in the circumstances but I wonder whether you need some support in processing your grief?

I’m so sorry.

It’s not remotely similar but I always say I have three siblings even though one is dead. I can’t deny her existence even for social nicety. This will not be so for everyone, but it is so for me.

It’s also blatantly clear from this thread how many people have never suffered a devastating grief.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. You're both dealing with it in your own way and I think you both need to find a way to be more understanding of each other.

My sister died when we were teenagers and I always dread the question "do you have any brothers and sisters". Because there is no good way to answer it. Tell the truth and suddenly the atmosphere plummets like a sack of rocks, all the attention is diverted to me, all the levity and fun dissipates, possibly not to recover for the whole of the rest of the evening, and what was casual small-talk with acquaintances/strangers who you don't particularly care about has just turned into a deep and serious revelation of the darkest days of your life, bearing the deepest wounds of your soul for a bunch of near strangers in a pub.
But say "no" and I feel like I'm completely betraying her.
I have toyed with just saying "yeah, a sister" and not mentioning that she died, but the trouble is you never know where a conversation or relationship is going to lead and you can suddenly find yourself several months into a friendship with someone who thinks you've still got a sister because you haven't found a way to mention yet that actually she died.
So my go-to response now is to just bluntly tell the truth and then very quickly change the subject and make an awkward joke before the atmosphere has a chance to crash but it's taken me 15 years to hone that technique and it still half kills me every time. My mum has a better method... she tells the truth but then sweetens it by talking about some lovely memories. I can't keep my composure well enough for that though, for me it's either burst into tears or tell an awkward joke, so that's what I do.

I'm absolutely certain your husband has not forgotten your daughter. He probably doesn't know how to answer the question. Probably doesn't want to burst into tears in front of half strangers. And he's clearly shit at explaining his feelings, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have them. Would your daughter have wanted you to fall out?

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. But I know that potentially "awkward" subjects are often more easily avoided. You said yourself that these are "new" colleagues. Sometime people prefer to avoid topics whilst getting to know people. If he'd said four, what if they'd gone to ask what they do? Or how old they are?

I'm not saying he was right but that I can understand.

He's your husband and you need each other. Please find a way to understand each other.

Unless you have ever lost a child you simply can't understand how anguishing it is to answer how many kids. I had to avoid baby groups when DC was young because it was too traumatic to answer.

YANBU we all handle grief different but being callous and giving the attitude of 'get over it' is unforgivable for me.

I have 2 sons. My second was stillborn. Thats neither here nor there, I'm still a mother of 2 and that's what I say when people ask. I will never deny my boy or shy away from him.
DH is the opposite. He will say he has a daughter and a son. He doesn't want to discuss our second son with passing strangers. That's just his way. And it's fine.
He has almost single handedly raised £20,000 in our babys memory though. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he doesn't care to bring it up in light chit chat.
Everyone is different in how they cope with these things.
The only thing your DH has done wrong is tell you you should be over your DDs death. You'll never be over it. It be was a cruel thing to say.

I'm so sorry OP. Of course you have 4 children. You always will. The same way your sons will always have a sister.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to send my regards

@Willyoujustbequiet

I can only think those saying yabu have never lost immediate family at a young age.

I have. That would be me done.

I think that’s a little unfair. As PP have said; Everyone grieves differently. I lost my sister at a young age and when with relative strangers or acquaintances , even fifteen years on, if asked I would probably say I was an only child as I wouldn’t want to rake over wounds that remain raw, risk bursting into tears or make people feel awkward and change the atmosphere in the room. It doesn’t mean I loved her any less or am disrespecting her memory - quite the opposite in fact as the way I feel about her is something I don’t really want to share or discuss with people I barely know.

LaGauchiste

I am so sorry the pain must be unbearable.

You were not wrong your feelings are your feelings.

Why he said what he said maybe his way of dealing with his pain I don’t but but that was so hurtful which Is understandable

I hope you can come together and be honest how you both feel you both in pain

Please let’s all be kind to LaGauchiste yes this is aibu but at times if you can’t be kind it’s best not to put your opinion down

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and what your DH said when you got home was awful, but we've all said things we've gone on to deeply regret in the heat of a moment. Don't let this be what breaks you after so many years.

In the context of the pub I don't think he was unreasonable to avoid the subject, especially with new people and even more so colleagues. He may have done it clumsily but I can understand why. If may not have opened up a painful conversation on the spot, but he then has the potential for (well meaning) questions to answer and unwanted sympathy the next time he sees these colleagues. If he doesn't want that then that's absolutely fine.

Aww bless you OP. No wonder you’re feeling the way you do. What an awful situation for you.

I imagine your DH didn’t want to go in to something so tragic and personal with strangers. He probably doesn’t feel able to discus as a matter of course so finds it easier to bury his head in the sand.

I’m sure he’s as broken about your precious daughters passing