To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

To me it’s his comments afterwards that are worse than what he said in the pub. My older sister died of meningitis as a child and when asked I say I have a younger sister, I don’t mention her. It’s not that I’ve ‘got over it’ or forgotten about her, she’s very much in my mind before/during/after the answer to their question but I’m a very closed book and don’t want to ‘bring conversations down’ (if that’s the right way to put it) with the sob story of my childhood. It’s a very selfless thing to do sometimes because you’re really doing it for the benefit of others and to stop them feeling bad. For me that was a long time ago though, so I keep it all in a little (metaphorical) box that I can open on my own, when I want to.

What happened to you was much more recent so I feel I’d struggle to answer the same way in that situation. It is possible your husband said 3 for the same reasons as I’ve said but the comments he made to you afterwards are more upsetting I think. Sorry for your loss, she will very much still be with you and you absolutely have 4 children, always.

Oh OP I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I’d feel exactly the same way. My brother died at 19 and I ALWAYS include him when people ask if I have siblings. If it makes people uncomfortable sorry but that’s not my concern, it’s trivial. I get that some people find it difficult to bring it up in social situations but it feels like more than that with your DH, his reaction when challenged implies because she is dead she is no longer your daughter. I’d be very hurt.

Oh op, I totally get you.

In that situation I would have been angry that he didn't mention her, and also angry if he did.

Its one of those completely crap situations that we, as bereaved parents, have to navigate, and there's no right or wrong, the answer is interchangeable too. If a checkout operator in Tesco asks how many kids I have then I just tell them how many living kids I have, it's just easier than the conversation going on and me either having to explain or lie, however if a potential friend were to ask, and I would be seeing them lots, I would tell them so it wasn't a massive deal further down the line.

The whole situation is just crap, and there's no guidebook or list of rules because it's such an unthinkable thing to be a bereaved parent there is no one way to cope.

I'm so sorry that you have to miss your girl op

I keep my grief in a tight box and don't open the lid. If I did, I can't control the outflow. Maybe your husband is doing similar OP.

Suddenly announcing a dead child to people you don't know well, just makes everyone feel awful. Sometimes well meaning sympathy is too much to bear.

He answered the question that he has 3 DC. He had 4, but now he has 3. That doesn't mean he's forgotten or didn't love your precious DD.

Time doesn't heal grief, but I hope you can see some of his perspective and find a way back together.

So sorry for your loss. Maybe he just didn't want to discuss your daughter's death in the pub with someone he doesn't know that well?

My dad does this, I'm one of three and our brother died a few years ago, my dad introduces me as his eldest when I'm not, I'm the middle one. He even changed his security question answers (at the bank, premium bonds etc) Where the answer used to be my brothers name for eldest child it's now mine.
It upsets me and my sister but we have to accept that we all deal with death in different ways and this is how my dad chooses to deal with the death of his son.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread and I am so sorry for your loss. I too think he didn't want to answer upsetting questions. He probably knows his colleagues more than you do and he has to work with them. He probably didnt want his colleagues knowing too much of his personal business. I'd cut him some slack.

@PoppyMonth

I think his response is completely logical.

You are entitled to phrase it your way - but he is entitled to his way too.

Do you think it was ok for him to repeatedly tell her to get over it? They lost an adult child two years ago. I don’t think I’d ever get over that.

Very probably he didn't want to talk about your daughter because it's upsetting for him, and not something he wants to have to go into with near-strangers (also would be very embarrassing for them). Just a different way of dealing with an awful loss.

As kite22 says, he have said or meant get over the fact I said it and not get over the fact your daughter died.

When he laughed in the pub that could have been nerves.

I've been in this type of situation but not because a child of our's has passed away, and I have to say I'm more with your DH in this scenario given these are new work colleagues.
I am a step mother of 2 and the adoptive mother of two with special needs, who's birth mother subsequently took her own life. My brother was killed in an accident at 30 and I have relatives who took their own lives. None of these things would I want to necessarily discuss with new acquaintances so I tend to brush over them. It keeps the conversation light, many people have no idea how to react at all.
My Bil bust out laughing when I told him my cousin had taken his own life by jumping off a bridge! So no I very rarely discuss such things with anyone other than close friends.

OP I am so sorry for your loss.

I have lost two children, and I have one living son. I've been in the position of being asked do you have children. If I don't feel that I can go into things, I usually say "We have a son who is X years old" and the conversation goes from there.

Sometimes someone will push "did you only want one" or "do you have any more" and at that point I will usually say "we had two more before him but we lost them."

My husband and I didn't grieve in the same way and he has struggled with the loss in ways that I haven't, and vice versa. But the one thing neither of us has ever done or ever tolerated is being told to "get over" or "forget" or "move on" from our losses, and we've never said those things to each other.

You have four children. That doesn't change. I was a mother as soon as I gave birth to our first child and I stayed a mother even though he died. I will always have three children.

People here who are saying they have lost their parents or their spouse, they might not say they have parents or are married now, but would they say they never had parents or were never married?

I don't think AIBU is the right place for this thread OP, and I'm sorry you've had some of the replies that you have. I think it sounds like you could both do with some sort of grief counselling (separately) to help you process what has just happened and the ways you have both dealt with your loss and the situation in the pub.

Do you think it was ok for him to repeatedly tell her to get over it? They lost an adult child two years ago. I don’t think I’d ever get over that

It’s more likely that he meant get over what happened in the pub- that make more sense in the context of repeatedly telling her that he loves her - something all the PPs slagging him off are glossing over because god forbid we see any man in a positive light when it’s so much more satisfying to stir up the pain of a recently bereaved couple.

I can't imagine how hurtful that must have been, and your reaction is very understandable. I'm assuming he's grieving for his daughter too, unless there's some backstory we don't know about. But losing her only two years ago must still feel brand new. It's only natural you'd be shocked by his behaviour.

Saying "people grieve differently" is very trite, but is it possible that he needs to feel like he is "over it" to be able to function in life? I know people who have lost loved ones who need to talk about them as though they are still with us, and others who can't stand to talk about them at all because it's too painful.

Maybe you'd benefit from (separate) grief counselling, so that you can see his viewpoint and he can see yours? Unless there's more to it.

But what you should not do is let someone tell you how you should feel. I notice a lot of commenters telling you to respect his view, but perhaps they need to remember you're a human being with feelings too.

I can see why you are upset but I suspect he just didn't want to have that conversation at that moment with people he presumably didn't know that well (I'm assuming that since they were asking about his family and obviously didn't already know).

However I can understand why him messaging you saying you need to get over her death has made you angry.

I think you need to meet in person and discuss it really.

Big hugs op ! I totally understand and your husband is in the wrong and very insensitive!
I lost my brother I still have a brother thou he’s passed I would never ever say I didn’t have a brother same if it was your mum dad sister she is your daughter but she is no longer with u only in your heart ❤️ xx

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Do you think it was ok for him to repeatedly tell her to get over it? They lost an adult child two years ago. I don’t think I’d ever get over that

It’s more likely that he meant get over what happened in the pub- that make more sense in the context of repeatedly telling her that he loves her - something all the PPs slagging him off are glossing over because god forbid we see any man in a positive light when it’s so much more satisfying to stir up the pain of a recently bereaved couple.

This was my thoughts too.

I'm really and truly sorry for your loss @LaGauchiste, I can't imagine your pain.

"had he not been laughing then sending me texts " X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth."

Is this really how it played out? Or how it made you feel? I find it hard to understand that a man could be this unfeeling but the marriage is otherwise ok? Laughing at your response (which is how it reads to me) is sociopathic.

I don't think you're wrong to want to mention her as your 4th child; I don't think your husband is wrong not to.

@Hairobsessed123

Big hugs op ! I totally understand and your husband is in the wrong and very insensitive! I lost my brother I still have a brother thou he’s passed I would never ever say I didn’t have a brother same if it was your mum dad sister she is your daughter but she is no longer with u only in your heart ❤️ xx

He really isn't insensitive to not mention her.

She is his daughter too and he is allowed to make decisions about who he feels able to talk to as well.

These are his colleagues and he really should be able to decide how much they know about his life as its him that will have to deal with them at work.

He said that those people didn’t matter enough to share our precious girl with. He neither needed their acknowledgment or their sympathy, because with that he runs the risk of being hurt or angered

Perfectly put by him.

OP, I can't help but feel that It could be your reaction over the last couple of days that's driven him to send that horrible message.

You simply won't let go and you're threatening divorce. You've left home. Clearly you have not accepted anything that he had said to explain why he did what he did (and which many many people have explained is a totally reasonable way to approach grief) and give just got more and more angry.

I hate the way that even mentioning that I'm widowed derails conversations and leads to awkward exchanges. It must be many times worse to been pushed into mentioning that you had a child that died. I completely understand why he took steps to avoid that with random new work colleagues in a pub setting.

@SoniaFouler

Oh wow. I can understand why you’re upset. YANBU but he is also right tbh.

He's right to say they don't have a diaghter anymore??? Because she died. What a terrible way to think

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough. It isn't enough for some people though. When I can't face the questions I sometimes say I have four children. At other times I say I have three. At other times I say "four, three surviving". Sometimes I just can't face the pain of the questions, or even the thought of the questions.

I'd say neither of you are being unreasonable. But you both need to communicate in order to move past the argument and understand how each other feels. Then you can move forward together.

But @ballsdeep plenty of people have said exactly that - they had a mum or a brother or a child or a husband but they don't have them anymore, they lost them.
You're responding like saying that means to my didn't matter! I don't understand that at all. It hurts because you had them and you lost them.

I feel like YABU for the initial situation, but YANBU to be upset and angry with him about his follow up comments after the fact.
In a private conversation those are quite awful things to say, even if your grieving processes are completely different.

I'm sorry. Maybe he didn't want to mention it in a blasé way to a stranger when it runs so much deeper for you both