Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

632 replies

LaGauchiste · 15/11/2021 16:05

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

OP posts:
Ryannah · 15/11/2021 18:27

He currently has 3 children. He didn’t want to get into a personal conversation about what happened to the 4th. You’re being ridiculous imo.

Tailendofsummer · 15/11/2021 18:27

There is also the well-being of three other children to consider. You can be in the shadow of a deceased sibling it is not easy. (I do not know if these are adult children or younger, who will definitely need the support of their parents).

TuftyMarmoset · 15/11/2021 18:30

Probably he views the question ‘how many do you HAVE” as present tense and in that frame of reference your daughter is no longer with us, so you don’t have her anymore. You have had four children but in this world you have three.
This isn’t the point though. The point is how you feel. Clearly the grief is still very powerful and fresh for you - are you having any counselling or anything? Never wanting to see him again is an extreme reaction.

Staryflight445 · 15/11/2021 18:36

They’re new people and it’s none of their business what you’ve been through, there’s an appropriate time to discuss these things and I think your husband was right to respond how he did in the circumstances.

Runmybathforme · 15/11/2021 18:37

@Shoxfordian

Yabu It’s not a light easy thing to say in a pub conversation so it’s easier to say three

Did you have some counselling? It sounds really difficult for you still

Of course it’s still difficult, it always will be, for the rest of her life. No counselling will ever change that. OP, as someone who has also lost a child, I completely understand your POV. I hate it when new people ask how many children I have as it often leads onto an awkward situation. I will never say that I have one child, I have two. I would feel as if I were denying him in some way. If we’re going somewhere with new people, my DH will stick with me in case this situation should occur. The thing is, I can understand why your DH said what he did, as it does avoid any awkwardness, his reaction to your distress is not okay. Please just talk to him. Perhaps this is his way of coping.
Staryflight445 · 15/11/2021 18:38

@tootiredtospeak it’s hard to speak about loss with new people. It feels really awkward and inappropriate.
You’re not erasing someone’s life or your love for them by not mentioning it to every person you meet.

Changethetoner · 15/11/2021 18:43

He was probably trying to protect you from having to talk about the death. YABU.

QueeniesCroft · 15/11/2021 18:47

My husband is the opposite, he will happily tell complete strangers all about our daughter's death. I think he feeds off the sympathy. I hate it (and him) when he does this, because it makes me feel so exposed and vulnerable to have the most painful thing that ever happened to me laid out in public (usually I can't really get away from the conversation) and to have strangers staring at me. If I'm not expecting it, it can feel like it's all happening to me again, and once or twice I've had flashbacks to her death.

I don't think for a moment that you are like this, OP, but maybe his reasons were genuine, even though his delivery was ,um, sub-optimal. Saying that about her being dead so you don't have four children any more was cruel, but hopefully not intentionally so.

Perhaps it would be worth agreeing on how you will deal with questions like this in the future? It's always going to be difficult, but at least if you know it's just a formulaic answer, it might not be so hurtful to you.

PurpleOkapi · 15/11/2021 18:49

You're completely unreasonable to expect him to answer this question with "I have four children, but one of them is dead" every time anyone attempts to make small talk for the rest of his life. That's not a conversation he wants to have with every random stranger, and you of all people should be more sympathetic to that. Don't allow your grief for the child you lost to further harm the children you still have by coming between you and their father.

thenewduchessofhastings · 15/11/2021 18:51

When anyone asks me how many siblings I always say 2 but I do tell people who I know abit better I have 3 but one passed as a child.

The issue here is the unkind and thoughtless comments your DH made;a simple I don't know these people well enough to tell them about DD yet would have been enough.It's the "you need to get over losing your DD" thing that's really awful.

Is he normally so cut and dry about things?

HappyDays40 · 15/11/2021 18:53

I don't think he dealt with it very sensitively but I can see why he said you have three. Its easier than saying you have four for the person to then ask what they do or where they are ( general chit chat) for hin then to reply that she passed away. Im sorry Op it must be heart breaking but sometimes some people are more "factual " and lietral than others.

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 15/11/2021 18:55

@Ryannah

He currently has 3 children. He didn’t want to get into a personal conversation about what happened to the 4th. You’re being ridiculous imo.
Ridiculous?! Jesus, where is your compassion?! Nasty, nasty comment, you clearly have no concept of the pain OP is going through. She’s lost a child, not a tenner.
Gilly12345 · 15/11/2021 18:55

I do feel for you and I am sorry you have lost a child.

However you now have 3 children so your Husband was answering the question honestly, perhaps he didn’t want to go into such a sad personal thing with these new work colleagues?

whynotwhatknot · 15/11/2021 18:57

im baffled by people not reading the get over it comment and it shes dead so its true

he sounds so cold im so sorry op

Luminousnose · 15/11/2021 18:58

I’m not normally someone who would automatically recommend counselling op, but in your situation it was the first thought that sprang to mind. People react very differently to death and bereavement and I think that it would benefit both you and your husband to see someone. I’m not talking about grief counselling per se, rather a chance to help you both understand how each other is feeling, with someone independent to guide you. Flowers

MrsBobDylan · 15/11/2021 18:59

Please talk to your dh op. You have both experienced so much pain that I hate the thought of you both unable to talk this through and hurting even more.

Tell him how much he has hurt you, that you will never get over dd's death. Ask him what was going through his head when he gave his answer.

Please, please talk to him.

Zwellers · 15/11/2021 19:01

But you have three children. Is he supposed to tell every casual acquaintance about your deceased daughter. You don't have the monopoly on what he tells people. You sound controlling.

HaroldSteptoesHorse · 15/11/2021 19:02

My mother always said she has 4 girls, she never mentioned the twins she lost at birth. For me I think you need to explain to your husband why you’re upset and ask why he didn’t mentioned your daughter. If he doesn’t fee it necessary to mention her to others then you’ll have to accept this. He could also have not mentioned her so to avoid the l’m sorrys from the people you were with. Sounds like he was also protecting you and him from this.

JustLyra · 15/11/2021 19:03

She’s lost a child, not a tenner.

So has her husband.

Something a lot of people on this thread seem to be forgetting.

FluffyBooBoo · 15/11/2021 19:04

@whynotwhatknot

im baffled by people not reading the get over it comment and it shes dead so its true

he sounds so cold im so sorry op

I don't think he sounds cold.

I think he sounds like someone that is dealing with it the best way he can - but his way of coping and ops way of coping are different, so it's causing friction on both sides. (After all, op said she confronted him. That's not a great way to open a conversation).

The way he sees it, he has three children. He had four. It's not cold for him to see things that way, or to say it. It's simply factual.

Op is struggling to deal with the fact that he sees things that way.

The 'get over it' comment is poor, but haven't we all said things the wrong way in the heat of the moment? It may well be meant with the best of intentions, thinking about what he thinks will be best for her.

I think they both sound like people trying to deal with the worst thing that can happen in life, and unfortunately because they deal with it differently, one thinks the other is wrong. It's not wrong. It's just different.

callmeadoctor · 15/11/2021 19:05

@Ryannah

He currently has 3 children. He didn’t want to get into a personal conversation about what happened to the 4th. You’re being ridiculous imo.
Do you mean to be so cruel to the OP?
User123654123654 · 15/11/2021 19:05

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. But I don’t think he meant anything horrible by saying that. I have a sister who passed away and if anyone asks me how many siblings I have I wouldn’t mention her, especially to two “new” colleagues, as you’ve mentioned.

Greenmarmalade · 15/11/2021 19:06

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

TuftyMarmoset · 15/11/2021 19:07

@whynotwhatknot

im baffled by people not reading the get over it comment and it shes dead so its true

he sounds so cold im so sorry op

I read it and wondered if he is concerned that OP is not processing their DD’s death and trying to act as if she is still alive. Which is why OP needs to discuss this with her DH.
callmeadoctor · 15/11/2021 19:09

Have posters on here not seen what the OP posted?

"had he not been laughing then sending me texts " X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth."

Swipe left for the next trending thread